Live and Let Live

Before I get into the heart of the matter, I wanted to share what I feel is a very powerful video displaying the realities we face today, and in some way could prepare your mind for the topic at hand. It helps you step back and look at the bigger picture to fully comprehend what is going on around you. Sometimes we are trapped in a bubble for so long, we need to step out and look at the bubble from the outside to better understand what is going on around us, and what choice(s) we have in the matter.

No one can control everything around them, least of all the people around them. The only thing you are in control of is yourself. How you behave, sometimes how you think, very rarely can you control how you feel. Regardless, you can never manipulate those around you into saying and thinking what you want them to about you. Despite your best efforts, there will always be those who will find some thing or another to nitpick at. So why bother yourself with adjusting your conduct and the way you live your life for the sake of what others 'might' say or think?

It....is.....exhausting!

It is near impossible to lead a pristine, socially-accepted life. Not because we are all bad people, but because there will always be not-so-pristine assholes who are so miserable and unhappy with their lives, so much so that they feel the need to somehow hate on yours. You cannot control that. So why let it get to you? Why force yourself into this little box that society set up for you when there will always be people that will expect you to fit in a tube instead. Why bother?! You form yourself into whatever polygonal shape you please and don't let anyone tell you any different. Doesn't even have to be a polygon, whatever form or anti-form you want!

I really fail to see the point in this charade. All it does is keep you from really living and enjoying life. All you should really be concerned with is your own life, and by extension those who are intrinsically a part of your life. Anyone else; if they like it, hey come on in, otherwise there's the door. There is absolutely no need to concern yourself with such people at all and more importantly allow them to affect you, your life, and your happiness. Don't let anyone rain on your parade, they're only making it rain over in their parade so just take another route.

We all reach a point in our lives where the ideals, values and principles we develop can sometimes clash with that of society or even to those around us from family and friends. When that point comes you are faced with choices; one must decide what kind of man/woman you want to be, how you want to live out your life, how you can sleep at night, how you can be happy with the way you are and the way you would like to be. More importantly, how to do that without isolating yourself from those you may disagree with. The question is...is that possible? I don't know, I hope so. Surely it is better to try that rather than to conform or isolate oneself.

I cannot stress this enough:

Live and let live!

Live. Live life. Live openly, honestly and with conviction. Make your own choices in your life believing wholeheartedly they are the choices you want to make for yourself. Eliminate all the unnecessary buzzing around you and strip it back to the basics; you. What matters to you and only you.

I want to start some sort of campaign all over the world to spread the good word. You get off my case, I'll get off yours, and there you have it. That easy. Best part is, even if they don't get off your case, get off theirs anyway and don't trouble yourself with such pettiness. Brush it off your shoulder. Let it roll off like water off a duck's back. Cuz in the end..

Peace out...

Every Arab Man is Sultan of his Harem

I made sure to post a little something about women (previous post) before putting this up as to avoid being seen as biased/feminist/sexist/etc. Don't flatter yourselves; men, women, all y'all crazy.

And as you probably can guess from the title...Yeah, I have been unashamedly watching one too many Turkish soaps....

But there is no denying that idea kind of stuck with us over time; every man is king of his castle. In a world where "democracy" is reigned supreme, you'd think maybe we can start at home, no? What was once a position of great duty, honor and respect, is now a position some abuse in the most horrific ways. Our culture, along with the Islamic religion, has given the man great responsibilities towards his household. That somehow has led some men to believe they have power rather than a duty to fulfill, and they brutally abuse that power. Possibly one of my least favorite examples of this is polygamy; something Islam has permitted with the condition of equality, as a solution to a societal problem, has instead been used in most cases as a man's right to indulge in multiple partners in a way destructive to once stable homes.

It is this very thinking that makes the Arab man believe that he should only hold certain prestigious jobs and positions. Just like on Kuwaiti soaps where nearly every male character has a company or sharikah and every son works for his dad and eventually takes over. It is also this very thinking that makes the Arab man feel he is invincible, he is above the law. Hence the cutting of legal corners at nearly every corner. And let us not forget the fantastic traffic on our Middle Eastern roads where everyone drives by their own rules and 3 lanes magically become 7, and people feel they are in the right to do so! It is that diseased mind that believes the Arab man is supreme, it is this very thinking that makes the Arab man treat his wife and even other women in his life like some sort of possession to the point of insult and abuse, believing wholeheartedly he has the right to do so. And in some places where there is no law to protect women in these cases from such power-hungry and hugely insecure thugs, the women are left defenseless. But I digress.

I feel as women the world over progressed to assert their position in the world, some men didn't get the memo, and are still bewildered at the changes occurring in what was once the natural order. The whole archaic notion of me-man-me-go-hunting/you-woman-you-cook-meat just does not want to go away (trying to convey the cave man voice through text, message received?). Although I know some women like it that way, especially some Arab women with men who go hunting and 'the help' cooking the meat. But that notion extends far beyond household duties. It's that the man makes all the decisions, the man is always right. It is that possessiveness where a woman loses her identity because she is now under his roof, therefore she must follow his rules, completely disregarding the fact that she is a grown-ass woman (pardon my French). Granted, some women do not behave like adults and are in constant need of authority throughout their lives, but that's only because she's never been given a chance. Forgive me, but a woman having to ask her husband for permission to, let's say, go to the mall...quoi? It's like a college student asking his professor to go to the restroom in the middle of a lecture; that stopped the minute you graduated high school kid, you don't need to raise your hand to ask permission to relieve yourself. Sometimes I think to myself: are we really still making this an issue? I mean really? Expecting her to ask permission, demanding she dress/behave a certain way, telling her what she can and can't do is all robbing her of her identity and any voice she ever or probably never had. And get this, for this reason some men prefer to marry (real) young girls to continue on where the father left off and raise her into the wife he wants her to be.....

*Mind explodes*

So I say this to you, pompous Arab man: get over yourself. Who do you think you are? You ain't no Sultan of no Harem.

The Arab man - in my eyes - is somewhat massively confused. If not confused, then perhaps conflicted? As open-minded as some men start out, once they are knee-deep in the pool of the stereotypical Arab, they feel the need to conform. They don't realize they can just get out of the pool! What gets me is at some point in their lives they had a sound mind, sound logic and sound judgement. Then somehow they do a 180 and become the stereotypical Arab they once despised. I find that they, more than women, conform to what society expects of them and are sometimes crushed by the pressure of that expectation. Hence some men marry only to meet that expectation knowing their hearts are not in it. That could sentence them to a lifetime of discontent or lead them to a downright nasty divorce. Worst part is he plays the victim and punishes the wrong person. And what with the poor girl you feel you 'settled' for? It's just not fair on her or even you to go into marriage for such reasons. But so long as you did, do right by her at least.

There is a certain species of Arab men that have been said to be somewhat robotic; lacking in any emotion, programmed to clock in and clock out, covering all the basics out of obligation rather than out of love. I've observed a few men of this species, and I can't help but feel sorry for them. I am wholeheartedly convinced that those who are seen as robotic and heartless, are those who have suffered deep, severe sorrow and heartache most. It's almost as if they reached a point in their lives where they sacrificed who they are, what they want in life, their dreams and aspirations because they felt compelled or obligated to do so. They grow up to be bitter and cold as they carry out their obligations to the fullest, but those closest to them are the ones who pay the price. He's a prisoner in his own life, and he imprisons the one sleeping next to him along with him.

To conclude, I wanted to share a story I heard about this Egyptian woman who killed her husband, chopped him up into little pieces and slowly fed it to the dogs (she actually researched how to do it through the internet). When I did a quick Google search I was surprised to find more than one story along those lines, each more heinous than the other. I can't help but think maybe, just maybe, the husband actually deserved it. I mean, it may not be the humane thing to say, and surely I don't like the idea of a man dying at the hands of his own wife, or anyone else for that matter. But it takes a lot of pent up anger, humiliation, desperation, helplessness and psychological damage to drive someone to do such a thing to their own spouse. Something to think about I suppose.

Always More Than Friends?

It has been argued the world over: can men and women be friends and keep it strictly platonic?

There are those who answer yes (myself included), and there are those who answer no.

Some people believe it’s not possible and would say so for one of two reasons:

•        Every connection with the opposite sex carries with it some form of sexual tension. Now let’s think about that statement for a second. It seems that there are people in this world who actually believe they are so irresistible that every person of the opposite sex they meet actually wants them (and vice versa of course). How lucky are you that you are able to be attracted to (and also attract) such a wide range of people!  People like that are quick to ‘fall in love’ and just as quickly fall out of it. My advice, if someone believes men and women can’t be friends for such reasons, don’t waste your time, platonic or otherwise.
•       There are others who don’t believe men and women could not be friends as much as they believe men and women should not be friends. Those who are a bit more traditional and/or conservative view such casual relationships as not so casual. Whether they feel it inappropriate, unnecessary or even forbidden. Some go so far as to firmly believe that any contact with the opposite sex under any circumstances will lead to indecency, or is in fact indecent. I guess this has a lot to do with the culture/faith as well as upbringing, and despite my disagreement with the idea as a whole I have to respect people who have such limitations.

Why the limitations though? I think such limited contact with the opposite sex is unhealthy and has adverse effects. Why lock yourself up and allow the opposite sex to be seen as such a foreign creature? They won't bite, I promise! We already know that men and women behave differently. Not just that, but within the gender group there are differences in behavior. This knowledge only comes with first-hand experience. Only by experiencing this would one then be able to handle themselves around them. Not just that, but also knowing what kind of guys/girls are out there will help you form a clearer picture of what it is you want in your future partner. Without this exposure the image of perfection in your head - which bears no resemblance to reality - will only set you up for disappointment. Know what's actually out there. Find out what are the qualities you've actually seen in people; which ones you liked and which ones you didn't. 

Being told how men/women think – whether from books, music, TV, grandmothers or any other medium – is usually a rash generalization that rarely tells you much about the people you are actually surrounded by and dealing with. It is only through being exposed to the opposite sex do they appear less foreign and unfamiliar, hence they become less of a mystery. This exposure does not necessarily have to be through actual relationships (be it romantic or platonic), any sort of interaction even in academic or professional settings eases the mystery of it all. At least you are able to interact on some level to get used to the fact that they are people too, there's no need to be so nervous or anxious or cold, find a way to be yourself around the opposite sex and it will do wonders to your self-esteem and self confidence. 

Although you do learn much more through relationships, do whatever you find comfortable, nothing should feel forced.  And I’ve seen a lot of examples of strange relationships and limitations. I’ve seen those who befriend but don’t date, those who date but don’t befriend, those who tag along with a sibling/friend but only observe from the sidelines (third wheel), those who date and/or befriend everyone under the sun but will never allow their sibling to do so or live freely till that ring is on their finger and it’s game over (hypocrisy at its best!). As long as people do it out of their own choosing and they did what they felt was right, total respect. I just think one shouldn’t underestimate the advantage of such exposure in the long run i.e. marriage. The more insight you have on the opposite gender, the more you can focus on what really counts.

My answer to the question is of course we can be strictly platonic. The more the issue is over-hyped, the more it becomes an issue when it doesn’t need to be. Of course if someone is just plain shy by nature and doesn’t see themselves being friendly around guys/girls, that’s a different story, it’s part of their character. I suppose it does require a bit of maturity and perhaps even some modesty! One must be humble enough to accept not every guy/girl they meet is a potential. I see that is the case with many people more often than I care to admit. Just by getting along with someone, people might imagine sparks where there are none. To these people I say be honest with yourselves, do you genuinely feel the chemistry and is it mutual, or are you just over-excited you hit it off so well? I even saw cases where the sparks were a hallucination from both sides, plain disastrous. I do believe that the key to keeping things strictly platonic is respect, and lots of it. Both parties must behave respectfully in order to be deserving of respect, it ain't given away for free. I don't mean be stiff and frigid, just know where the lines are and draw them firmly.

This does, however, present another concern….

What about friends of the opposite sex while married?

Later addition (10/12/2012). Nicely said! Just get over yourself...

With a Little Help from Marvin and Barry (Part 2 of 2)

'Bride & Groom/Female dominance' - from the series, An Intimate Geography. 
by Aziz Qahtani © 2010 - 2011
http://azizqahtani.com/

From the brilliant work of the young artist Abdulaziz Qahtani, the boundaries of social taboos in our region have been tested. Each and every piece in the series entitled An Intimate Geography speaks volumes, very bold, daring and thought provoking to both Middle Eastern and Western minds. This particular piece is one of my personal favorites. I look at this and cannot help but find it humorously ironic how despite the clear sexual connotations, they stand up straight, indifferent, side by side, not even touching. How very Arab! The shock and awe induced by the imagery is a testament to how we have been conditioned to denounce any connection between culture and the mere essence of sexual activity. So much so that for some people it's hard to shake that idea off when the time comes to do so. Change the cultural background of the subjects to something more Western and it would not have made nearly as bold a statement. But beyond the shock and awe, I wonder if this depiction is more true than we care to believe. Maybe, just maybe, appearances really are deceiving and things aren't as they seem. I admit it is a tantalizing thought; that behind our high walls and closed doors it is in fact the man who submits to the woman (if the woman is smart enough, she could do so and make him believe he's the one in control). Are we that good at keeping up appearances?

We all know that appearances do make a difference to some extent. We tend to analyse things based on appearance and from that form a first impression. The way you present yourself does indeed say a lot about you. This applies to nearly everything from job interviews to the people we meet on a daily basis. But there's a difference between general appearance and looks. There are those who judge potential partners based on looks; either they want someone good-looking or surprisingly they don’t (they know themselves to be the jealous type). To those who insist on a pretty face I tell you looks will fade. looks mean nothing. A message perhaps Disney failed to deliver. From experience I believe that when you get to know someone even as a friend, and you like their character and personality, you somehow get drawn to them and in time they become beautiful in your eyes. You see every imperfection is perfect. It’s an unexplainable phenomenon in my eyes; how genuinely loving a person lets you see them in such a different light. Even with someone who is pretty, with little to no substance beyond it you tend to get bored; what once dazzled you will eventually appear lackluster over time.

Meanwhile, those who deliberately dodge people who are good-looking I find are equally judgmental.  Pretty people need love too. If it’s a matter of jealousy, I commend you for knowing yourself well enough not to put yourself in that position, knowing you will be insanely jealous if you were with someone beautiful. But at the same time, come on! Beautiful or not, it’s the character and conduct of the person that you should judge not their looks. You might be with a total ugo (ugly one) who instead of attracting attention from the opposite sex, would go after it (tends to be the case with ugoes, insecurity issues coupled with the need for validation). How would that be any better?!

Save your impression on their looks, and just go with it. You might be surprised who you end up connecting with, it might not be what you have imagined her/him to be like at all! Don’t put extra limitations on yourself, you’ve already got limited room to maneuver as is.

Equally problematic though, is having insane chemistry or attraction towards someone and not much else. That kind of animalistic, primal attraction is fleeting, not to mention potentially destructive. It’s usually the young and foolish who tend to believe this kind of thing is the real thing. That level of passion could so easily flip into passionate hate and even flip back and forth again and again. This is the kind of chemistry that is what they call unstable. Now let’s go back to the labs; what happens to an unstable chemical compound? When shocked, it leads to a reaction, possibly (likely) an explosive reaction. That kind of explosive attraction will make everything else explosive. We don’t want that now, do we? But if that attraction is there (explosive or not), and everything else seems to have fallen into place also, congratulations! You have won the marital jackpot! But being caught up in a whirlwind of passion is downright dangerous to me.

Now it’s no big secret that ideally, our culture does not condone premarital sex. Because of this ban some people rush to change the pre- to post- to avoid eternity in hell (forgive the bluntness, I mean no disrespect just trying to get to the point). At this point I am left confused though. Because some people really just can’t keep it in their pants, and their religion dictates they do so until marriage, I can’t help but feel sorry for them because that surely is one big moral dilemma right there. Hence they are quick to bind themselves to a partner for life just to avoid sin. This kind of thing makes sense one second and then it just makes no sense the next. So let me get this straight; you decided to make such a monumental life decision and choose your life partner just so you can bump uglies with divine consent, completely neglecting what it means to take on another human being to join you on life’s journey? What about all the other aspects of marriage; is your partner merely a play thing strictly for your pleasure? But then again, it’s either that or premarital sex (or maybe a little self restraint, although easier said than done I’m sure), hence my confusion and sympathy. What I have always wondered though is that if we are a part of a society which does not publicly condone premarital sex, and some people go ahead with it anyway, what happens if they finally do get married? Do they fess up to their soon-to-be partners about their previous sexual 'experience' or do they build the marriage on lies?

The solution to some [Islamic] religious folk is: Muta’a (temporary) marriage. A marriage tailored for those who cannot keep it in their pants, do not feel prepared to embark on a full-on marital life and just do not want to burn in hell. In a nutshell, basically it entails paying a women a dowry to enter a marriage with a predetermined expiration date, she has no rights in this arrangement as the average wife does e.g. not included in his inheritance, not expected to be provided for and any children born will go to him no questions asked. Oh ok, that totally makes sense. Totally. Also another alternative which also acts as a remedy for spinsterhood is Misyar marriage where a woman gives up more or less all marital rights owed to her in a traditional marriage. All she gets is regular visits (at her own home) from her 'husband' who does no provide for her in any way or even live with her. Most of the men resorting to this convenient set up do so to take up a second wife in secret. 

(The term ‘dickheaded’ suddenly holds a whole new meaning in this context)

Now you can agree with this or not, but I personally find that idea revolting. In my eyes it is a legitimized affair or contractual prostitution with consent of a cleric. Concepts such as this are ruining the image and sanctity of marriage; a quick fix to avoid commitment and damnation all-in-one! With such a tempting offer why would anyone settle for an old fashioned marriage, eh? Even more worrying is what happens to the 'wife' after this arrangement is over? This is clearly designed with the male in mind. This type of religiously-condoned thinking is producing a social disease instead of addressing the root of the problem. If our society is having trouble with marriage, there is clearly a problem in how we socialize. Therefore it is a social issue, not a religious one.

It’s about time we briefly address those who simply cannot wait till marriage. Without even thinking twice about it, they just go for it (and go for it, and go for it, etc). I may come off a little self-righteous here but abstinence really is the way to go, one thing Bush Jr. actually got right (a message which fell on deaf ears). Yay abstinence! Some may think saving oneself until marriage is for religious purposes only, completely oblivious of the negative impact it may have on your sex life and sex drive once you do get married. An experience you are only meant to share with your other half you have already shared with someone else (or multiple someones), consequently tainting what should be a unique experience between husband and wife. 

And girls don't think if you spread your legs it's a done deal and he WILL marry you. The definition of gullible right there. If you do it just for the heck of it, hey, power to ya! Just don't think for a second that doing so will guarantee a ring. That is literally all I'm willing to say on this point, it's just that stupid. 

So consider saving yourself for your first, your last, your everything. Now with the help of the one and only Mr. Barry White....let's boogie!

With a Little Help from Marvin and Barry (Part 1 of 2)

Upon making the marriage official, and all the paperwork is done, the cleric turned to the husband and said:

“ستكون أقرب إليها من أبيها”

(Translation: You will be closer to her than her father)

Pillar number three: Physical. 

We come to the third pillar. I have a feeling this is going to be brief because I want to keep it PG. In a nutshell, in addition to the emotional and mental connection, there must be a physical connection (altogether I believe they form what is referred to as 'chemistry' between two people). If you are not physically attracted to the person before you, soon to be your wife/husband, there could be problems. If you don’t, at some point(s), feel the urge to rip each others’ clothes off and just pounce, then there is no attraction. If you don’t have that urge, don’t think it is civil or respectful of you, not each and every thought that crosses your mind has to be decent, and don’t try to convince me otherwise. Parts of marriage are, let’s say, indecent and that would mean you have less than decent thoughts when thinking of your other half (not all the time though, that’s a whole other problem altogether). Our culture has always deemed this issue indecent, something people don’t normally discuss openly and we don’t see much of it as they do in the West (don’t get me wrong, that’s a part of our culture I actually like!). The downside however is because of lack of exposure people tend to feel it is indecent or ‘aib and never get over that notion, always feeling shy or embarrassed when it comes to matters of pleasure. It is more than natural; people have been doing it for centuries. Your chance has finally arrived, just enjoy it!

"There's nothing wrong with me loving you. And giving yourself to me could never be wrong if the love is true." - Marvin Gaye

(WARNING: This song may result in pregnancy)

It’s only logical that one has chemistry with their partner, to me that is a combination of emotional, mental and physical compatibility. And that physical compatibility is a physical manifestation of the emotional and mental connection between two people. By physical compatibility I don’t mean that you look good together (although to me that is a must, but that’s just me being superficial), it’s that you have that attraction that makes you gravitate towards each other. You feel this magnetic pull towards one another.

In my eyes, this aspect of marriage is by far the most difficult to determine until the marriage is done and dusted. All you have to work off of is a feeling of attraction and nothing more. Whether or not that chemistry will meet each person’s expectations, there’s no way of really knowing. I admit, that is scary. Because what a huge bloody let down that would be, eh?! In all seriousness though, it is tricky to detect. This physical connection is an extension of the love you share and therefore vital to the relationship, it will bring you closer. And this is what makes marriage such a unique relationship; since this is a closeness you will only ever have with your other half. This is something that shouldn’t be embarrassing to think about or even talk about between the two of you. You have to be open about what you like and what you want. If you don’t get it out of your marriage, where else can you get it? (Again, this is another driver for infidelity.)

This aspect of marriage is often reduced to 'making babies' or perhaps it is the marital right of the male alone; just wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Now that's unfair, and fairly primitive if you ask me. We ladies need some lovin' too, we have needs! Things like this make me understand how one could believe man came from monkeys. Then we have the opposite end of the spectrum, porn-addicts. As far as I'm concerned, no good can come of it. It completely warps and deforms one's expectations and with time it could make one desensitized (figuratively and literally). Excessive porn leads to a more behavioral addiction which in my view is worse than substance addiction. From a very insightful (albeit lengthy, still well worth a read) article in The Guardian on the subject, it seems the effects are more deep-rooted than one would care to admit:

'....the user of pornography is also psychologically on the run...."People who use pornography feel dead inside, and they are trying to avoid being aware of that pain. There is a sense of liberation, which is temporary: that's why pornography is so repetitive - you have to go back again and again."' Men and Porn by Edward Marriott, The Guardian

Now that the awkward subject is out of the way, I want to talk a bit about physical appearances, but I'll get to that later.

Let's make babies!

Some humor to start with (click CC for English subtitles)

It’s not all society’s fault though. It’s human nature to want to get married. Our animalistic instinct is to find a suitable mate to procreate. However, what sets us from the animals is (supposedly) al’aqil – our intelligence. We are civil beings and therefore have monogamous, committed relationships in order to procreate (actually, we have polygamous relationships too but that is something which in my personal opinion is a bit more animalistic). So that urge to settle down and start a family is only natural. Even without starting a family, it’s natural to want to share your life with another.

It does become a problem when people are so hell-bent on satisfying that urge, no matter what the cost. It is also a problem when trying to fight or suppress that ever-so-natural feeling. However people still manage to procreate without trying to satisfy, fight, or even acknowledge the urge, but I digress.

Hence fulfilling that urge is only natural, but it takes time and patience to do it right. If you feel the need for a life partner, make sure you carefully select the one you can actually share your life with, and you are at a point in your life where you are mature enough and ready to do so. If you are dying to have children, make sure it’s with someone who can care for and raise them with you in a way you would like to see your children raised. These aspects are often neglected in our society, settling for generic qualities of ‘a good partner’ when you must search for YOUR good partner.

Denying that urge is equally problematic. People tend to deny it when the limited options available to them is not exactly to their liking, and the powers that be – be it family or society etc. – would not accept anything other than those options. People may deny it believing they are better off without it, or refusing to settle. More often than not, those people who do deny it are likely those who know what they want in life best and refuse to settle for anything less, knowing that in doing so could possibly sentence them to a life of unhappiness. Is it fair for them to remain alone simply because the qualities of their partner have been set for them, and it is not what they want?

I have come to believe that our misconception of marriage and how we go about doing it has immense consequences. People have been settling to be unhappy, something that is relatively not a huge disaster if you compare it with all the woes of the world. But…it’s still not okay though. Being unhappy affects your conduct with the people around you, affects your performance at work, affects your ability to parent and raise children. Before you know it, someone in an unhappy marriage turns into a bitter, miserable person. Take that bitter and miserable person and give them children to raise. These children sometimes pay the price for their parents’ unhappiness, until they grow up to be bitter and miserable themselves and do the same with their children.  If people insist to stay in an unhappy marriage to save face or for whatever reason, I do not comprehend why they bring kids into the equation. People assume it makes things better, I don’t believe it ever did or even could. One of the reasons I believe finding a suitable partner is so important is to allow for a stable household to bring children into. If the adults are having issues, how on earth can an innocent child be expected to fix it?! 

"Where's That Ring?!"

“…..First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage”

-          Children’s playground song                      

Society plays a huge role in how as well as who we choose to marry. For some reason we are fascinated with other people’s lives; who they married, what they do, where they’re from, where they got married, where they spent their honeymoon, where they’re living, what they’re driving, what they’re wearing, etc. Somehow all this becomes a measure of a good match, completely neglecting the compatibility between husband and wife. If they ‘appear’ to be a good match from the outside, that’s enough for marriage. Whether directly or indirectly, there is always that social pressure to get married. Directly, the pressure can be in the form of constant questions from family and friends about when you plan to tie that damn knot, parents constantly bringing up the topic, making suggestions of this person from the lovely family or so-and-so’s child followed by their curriculum vitae. If you’re lucky you can even get pictures to sweeten the deal!

Society dictates our lives indirectly with the common pattern in which we have been conditioned to believe should be followed. It kind of goes like this:

School – Higher education – Work(men)/Marriage(women) – Marriage(men)/Work(optional – women) – Children (yes, multiple) – Repeat cycle with next generation

So for those who don’t have nagging parents, being part of the society we are in automatically puts pressure on us. Some people may refuse to acknowledge such pressures and choose to live their life the way they see fit. But all it takes is that one moment of weakness; that one moment when the solitude becomes loneliness, when the void inside is screaming out for a partner, when the need to share life’s simple pleasures with another grows, that one moment that could possibly turn that carefree life around forever. Before you know it, this eternal bachelor/bachelorette has succumbed to social expectation of marriage. In that weak state, one could feel desperate, rushed, and not having given marriage much thought in the past, settle for the wrong partner. You can see how this sort of scenario can easily lead to marital problems, possibly leaving either party or both to turn to infidelity, because just as we are pressured to marry, we are pressured to stay married.

Any sort of pressure to marry could lead to very similar scenarios. The minute we cave to the pressures around us, and feel rushed to marry, it stops becoming about you and becomes about pleasing others, worst of all when these ‘others’ are people we don’t even really know, just faceless, nameless members of society. And one side effect of this is infidelity. Being unfaithful becomes a way to cope with an unhappy marriage. Before you know it, this becomes a common way of life and people feel that in their situation, it’s okay to cheat. I know it may be a bit blunt to say it that way, and not all roads lead to infidelity. But with high divorce rates these days coupled with widespread infidelity - which has almost become a standard - it’s clear that there’s something wrong in the way we go around choosing our partners. Different people have different views on the matter, as to why it is how it is, and this is my view.

Any accomplishments in any other aspect of your life is deemed worthless without marriage. You got a degree? Great! So when are you getting married? New job? Fantastic! When's the wedding? And even once you do get married: bravo! Where are the kids?

Personally, I don’t like the idea of compromising on how I want to live my life simply for the sake of being a stranger’s potential wife. Yet my sentiments aren’t shared by many, especially the older generation. In their minds’ eye, if they put up with it, so should we. But the way I see it, why continue with this silly charade which leaves us stuck in this cycle, generation after generation. When did appearing to be happy become more important than actually being happy?

Iz Hard!

Let's start by stating the obvious....this is my first post. Allow me to start by saying one thing:

These are my thoughts on marriage in the Middle East.

Other than that, all will be explained as we go along, so I invite you to please read on....

Relationships are hard. Whatever kind of relationship it is, it is difficult. Acquaintances are difficult because you can never know exactly where the line is drawn, or why it is drawn there and who exactly drew it. Why can’t an acquaintance reach friendship status or how can I keep this acquaintance from becoming a full-fledged friend? If you are not a homeowner and you rent your property, you must know the difficulty in the landlord/tenant relationship. That very basic relationship could ultimately determine what your life in that property would be like, a bad one especially could possibly be very costly too! And don't get me started on roommates. 

Business relationships can be a bit funny to handle at times also. For example, co-workers are difficult because you don’t choose to be around them. You may or may not get along with the people you work with on daily basis, regardless you have to find that point where the relationship does not interfere with your professional performance. Business partners always have the potential to be shaky (mainly because there is money involved – yours AND theirs) especially if you started off as friends. 

Then we turn to that oh-so-wide spectrum of the ‘friends’ category. Describing a fraction of such  would need its own blog or two (or ten). The point I’m trying to make here is that we as social beings have a distinct connection and relationship with each and every person in our lives. With most – such as the ones mentioned above – when faced with conflict, you can choose to walk away without so much as a scratch (business partners may incur monetary loss/gain through legal disputes and whatnot, but when that’s over you’re free!). Not necessarily walk away altogether, which is still always an option, but step back, re-adjust the boundaries of the relationship and move on, no hard feelings. Even without a conflict, it would be okay if you somehow drift apart, lose contact, life goes on.

One exception to this of course are familial relationships, some of which can be addressed similar to those previously mentioned, but others e.g. parents, not so much. The difference here being, at the end of the day, they are your family, your blood, like it or not you HAVE to put up with them. That notion helps accept not being able to completely walk away at times when that is precisely what you would want to do. Even so, the older you get the more distant you are with your family, especially once you start one of your own. That itself could relieve a bit of the strain on the relationships, if there is any.

With that said, imagine how possibly excruciating a relationship would be if it was with someone you don’t just share a home with, but a life, and possibly share a few little ones too. In my opinion, all this makes marital relationships the single most difficult type of human interaction to deal with. Through marriage, you are bound to this other person who was once a total stranger to you. Now this person is entitled to know you in ways no one else has; living under one roof, sharing a bed, sharing a home, building a family, building a life…together. With every other relationship, it can be said that you, as an individual, act as a whole within that equation, always maintaining ‘you’ as an entity. With marriage, you become part of a whole living together as one in harmony. There are those who insist on denying this for fear of losing ‘who they are’, but there is no need to be stubborn about it, marriage is beyond merely 'coexisting'. This is only natural, having this balance where husband and wife – within themselves – are equally dependent on themselves as well as each other. This is not to say that couples should walk around as a single unit, living among the world as one person. This is strictly in terms of the nature of the relationship between the two parties, a notion we are to accept to fully be able to commit to another person. Just as the pious give themselves wholly to their God without question, as should husband and wife submit to each other (to a certain extent, I regret saying that already). And unless you feel like this is something you can do with the person you are marrying, you need to seriously reconsider such a decision and make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. 

Divorce to marriage ratio

Hence it makes this relationship all the more complex, one that is not to be taken lightly in any way. Until people begin to view marriage in such a complex light and appreciate the amount of personal sacrifice and compromise that comes with it, the world will continue to have failed marriages. Not to say that this view alone is the key to a successful marriage, but it sure is a start in the right direction. This is where the blog comes in. It was upon realizing the hugely underestimated complexity of marriage in our society that I decided to compile my thoughts on the matter. There are countless factors to consider upon marriage which, it seems, not many people adequately address. That, to me, is a scary thought! No relationship should be taken lightly, especially marriage...Iz Hard!