So far, everything up till now has been one long introduction, this post being the final part of the intro.
As a young Arab
female, the topic of marriage was always a topic of heated discussion with
similarly young Arabs, male and female alike, of various backgrounds and
cultures. Within the Arab world there are differences in the tradition of
marriage and finding a partner. However the process is very similar among
everyone, as well as the concerns that this generation has begun to have
towards how we are expected to choose a partner. As this realization becomes
stronger, surrendering to the customs and traditions of marriage in our
societies becomes more difficult to accept or even circumvent. Consequently, social expectations have limited our choices of a suitable partner.
It is from these
various discussions among friends that my ‘5 pillars of marriage’ were
developed and became my personal view on the important factors one should
consider when approaching marriage, especially in our culture. I have come to
believe that many people fail to address a lot of important issues, getting
lost in the excitement of it all. When I saw that there was agreement among
many on the importance of these factors, I was encouraged – by myself and
others – to write it down and share it with a wider audience. These are all
things I find fairly obvious, but in the context of Arabia greatly neglected.
Although I lack the professional qualifications to preach on such matters with
credibility, nor do I possess the proper skills to write such a thing, I still
feel what I have compiled has bearing on the topic of marriage in our culture.
This is what I learned from the school of life; not that I myself am married or
have been in a relationship of any kind, but I have observed much around me,
heard what has been said, shared stories with various people from countries all
over the Middle East and beyond. This is marriage as I see it, and what a
complicated web I see.
Since this has come
about discussions with friends, I will share this message as if I am discussing
it with a friend, and address you as a friend. It will be full of hypothetical
situations and rhetorical questions. But in all fairness it will be a one-sided
discussion but you are still free to agree and disagree. These are in no way
set in stone, they are mere thoughts always subject to change. Who knows, maybe
once I am part of that marital league, all this will change. Even if I remain a
spinster forever it could change. But for now, I believe in this with all my
heart. People like to picture their perfect partner, perfect wedding, etc. I
tend to imagine things like: how will I know if the person I’m marrying is
someone I can live a relatively happy life with? What questions do I need to
ask to really figure out the truth behind the man? What characteristics can I
live with, and those I cannot live without? Will that person accept me as I am
and vice versa? Is this person someone I can put up with for the rest of my
life (and honestly, can he put up with me too)? I know, how romantic of me. But
there will be room for romance later. No point investing in something
emotionally if I’m not sure it is going to last! You want romance? You bloody well
should prove you deserve it…!
Now onto the not- so-long
awaited ‘5 pillars of marriage’. Each will be discussed separately in a
dedicated post or two, with compromise and communication being a common thread – the most
important enabling factors. Compromise is not a pillar on its own because every
aspect of a marriage must include compromise, it is the common thread
throughout. The pillars are as follows:
Emotional – Mental – Physical
– Financial – Life
That’s all you get for
now. Stay tuned for more…
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