Thursday, October 6, 2016

We're All a Bunch of Assholes and Psychos

I've come to accept it as fact that all men are assholes. They vary in degrees of severity and perhaps they don't behave as such with everyone, but I firmly believe each and every hot blooded male is an asshole in some way, shape or form. Yes, even our loving fathers can be assholes sometimes, if not to you then surely to others. I think they just have a genetic predisposition, something in the Y chromosome allows for this immense capacity to behave as a total asshole. Accepting it allowed me to accept and love all the men in my life, what I believe it means to love unconditionally; notwithstanding the asshole condition, I am still capable of loving you. Also, accepting that fact allows me to better understand how to better deal with men; I expect them to be assholes and anticipate assholosity. 

What's interesting is the split reaction I get: some men agree without shame and others play the wounded victim while disagreeing. A - mad respect for those who own up to it. B - come here little wounded deer and let's have a chat. 

Oh, women can be assholes too? Yeah, I totally agree, I'm proud to be one. Well, if all men are assholes then all women are bitches? Although they have the capacity to be bitches, I believe - usually - some man/men in their lives pushed them to be that way. Also, no, not all. I can't generalize, you say? Watch me! 

ALL. MEN. ARE. ASSHOLES. 

Dare me to say it again?

For the sake of humanity, and in an effort to try to understand each other in this chronic gender war, can we assume I'm right? Okay, now that we've done that, let me tell you what all women are: all women are bat shit crazy.  They vary in degrees of severity and perhaps they don't behave as such with everyone, but I firmly believe each and every hot blooded female is bat shit crazy in some way, shape or form. Yes, including myself. But here's the thing, it's not our fault, at least not all the time. From the moment a girl hits puberty we start this hormonal roller coaster that lasts decades and we don't really know we're on it either. Once I realized this I was able to understand myself and other women in my life a lot better, and likewise love them unconditionally despite it. Perhaps the asshole thing is hormonal, too? Could be "manstruation" but I don't have any personal experience to base it on. What I can tell you is that I've felt the crazy, though. It's made me second guess everything I decide to do on a whim - from shopping to working to contemplating taking a sledge hammer to his brand new car - and that's mainly because in retrospect, I usually regret such rash decisions more often than not (never regret shopping though, only regret being broke, totally unrelated). But during a bat-shit-crazy spell I manage to have such conviction and somehow firmly believe it is perfectly reasonable to light all his possessions on fire. And again, part of it does usually have to do with men; more often than not the crazy comes along as a reaction to their action(s) or lack thereof. Not pointing fingers or blame, this is the honest truth. You guys drive us insane, sometimes very literally. 



I say all this and share it with you all knowing full well it probably won't be very well received. But I genuinely do believe in it all and it really has allowed me to better understand, accept and love the people in my life of both genders. Go ahead and call me bat-shit-crazy (call me an asshole if you like, too) but do me a favor and pretend I'm right for a second here, try to even believe it for a few days and see if that seemingly negative outlook doesn't positively affect your human relationships. Then and only then can you come back and tell me what I already know: that I'm a bat-shit-crazy asshole that speaks the truth!