Thursday, April 20, 2017

The Fuck It Threshold

Growing up Arab, you tend to notice how people have an obscene interest in other people's business. Growing up human, you realize there are different motives for such interest. This creates a breeding ground for judgment and criticism, giving a false sense of moral superiority. You are free to disagree, you are free to dislike, but who are you to pass judgement on anyone? People get preoccupied with other people's lives, so much so that they tend to forget to live their own. I was once that person, dismissing anyone who did not think like me, act like me, live like me. It wasn't until I hit a point in my life where none of that mattered anymore. I saw how it broke people apart. I saw how it created such animosity, dividing friends and family even. Rejecting any form of 'other', usually because one doesn't understand the other, is a sad and lonely existence to me. There's such beauty in diversity, and I find normalcy to be so overrated. That's why I said: fuck it! Live and let live!

I found myself choosing to be around people I felt comfortable being myself with. It created a healthy environment for self discovery even. Having people accept me as I am allowed me to become the person that I am in a sense. Over time I would gravitate more towards those who felt the same, and I was better able to understand and coexist with those who didn't. I witnessed how people crossed over from the latter to the former when they reached what I like to call the "Fuck It Threshold". It is a point in someone's life where the magnitude of negativity and animosity that stems from judging others is so intense, it pushes you over the edge. More often than not, it occurs following some form of heart ache; real heart ache can push you to denounce much, and 'people' are usually the first to go. It's when you say to yourself fuck it. Fuck it all. Fuck what everyone says or thinks and take ownership of your life. Life is too precious to waste it hating, scrutinizing, discriminating. I would say it's about concerning yourself less with what people think and say about you and focus more on how they feel. So long as how you choose to exist doesn't hurt anyone's feelings, they can think/say what they want, and you can sleep at night. 

It's such a liberating feeling, you'll find yourself becoming more content with who you are and life becomes so much sweeter. You begin to examine your life, your surroundings, your values, your ideals, your beliefs, your relationships, etc. You focus on you, your life, your present, rather than wasting precious time fretting about what is entirely out of your control; other people's thoughts and actions, past, present or future. All you can do is control your own, so invest in developing your own. 

How and when you reach these glorious gates of self-liberation, of course, is very subjective, but ever so magical nonetheless. I have since tried to find ways to induce that state, or even nudge people over myself. But alas, it does not work that way. Also, I've discovered there's a knock-off threshold that people go through where they talk the talk but secretly still judge you. Those imposters are worse than the judge-y types in my opinion. They give you a false sense of security then throw you under the bus. Whether intentionally or not, it is hurtful nonetheless. I feel they suffer with an inner struggle that usually manifests in the ugliest ways, harming themselves more than anyone. You owe it to yourself to be at peace with who you are, who you want to be, not who you are expected to be. It's your prerogative to dictate what that means exactly, and when you do just own it! 

I really believe when you're sitting on what you believe to be the moral high ground, looking down on others, the harder you fall when you falter. And you are human, so you will falter. And then you will struggle to consolidate what you did with what you believe, or what you think you believe. You will push it to the back of your mind and convince yourself you're case is different. You tell yourself you're not like others who have faltered as you did. Then you tell yourself that it will end there, and you will never falter again. But you are human, so you will falter. And thus begins the duality inside; you don't like the person you are because you will judge yourself as you do others. The solution? Don't be so hard on yourself for starters. And stop comparing yourself to others. Your journey is your own, if you do something, do it with conviction otherwise don't do it at all. Focus on being at peace with yourself and whatever higher power you believe in first and foremost. In essence, you need to learn to b-b-b-block out all the haters!