Always More Than Friends?

It has been argued the world over: can men and women be friends and keep it strictly platonic?

There are those who answer yes (myself included), and there are those who answer no.

Some people believe it’s not possible and would say so for one of two reasons:

•        Every connection with the opposite sex carries with it some form of sexual tension. Now let’s think about that statement for a second. It seems that there are people in this world who actually believe they are so irresistible that every person of the opposite sex they meet actually wants them (and vice versa of course). How lucky are you that you are able to be attracted to (and also attract) such a wide range of people!  People like that are quick to ‘fall in love’ and just as quickly fall out of it. My advice, if someone believes men and women can’t be friends for such reasons, don’t waste your time, platonic or otherwise.
•       There are others who don’t believe men and women could not be friends as much as they believe men and women should not be friends. Those who are a bit more traditional and/or conservative view such casual relationships as not so casual. Whether they feel it inappropriate, unnecessary or even forbidden. Some go so far as to firmly believe that any contact with the opposite sex under any circumstances will lead to indecency, or is in fact indecent. I guess this has a lot to do with the culture/faith as well as upbringing, and despite my disagreement with the idea as a whole I have to respect people who have such limitations.

Why the limitations though? I think such limited contact with the opposite sex is unhealthy and has adverse effects. Why lock yourself up and allow the opposite sex to be seen as such a foreign creature? They won't bite, I promise! We already know that men and women behave differently. Not just that, but within the gender group there are differences in behavior. This knowledge only comes with first-hand experience. Only by experiencing this would one then be able to handle themselves around them. Not just that, but also knowing what kind of guys/girls are out there will help you form a clearer picture of what it is you want in your future partner. Without this exposure the image of perfection in your head - which bears no resemblance to reality - will only set you up for disappointment. Know what's actually out there. Find out what are the qualities you've actually seen in people; which ones you liked and which ones you didn't. 

Being told how men/women think – whether from books, music, TV, grandmothers or any other medium – is usually a rash generalization that rarely tells you much about the people you are actually surrounded by and dealing with. It is only through being exposed to the opposite sex do they appear less foreign and unfamiliar, hence they become less of a mystery. This exposure does not necessarily have to be through actual relationships (be it romantic or platonic), any sort of interaction even in academic or professional settings eases the mystery of it all. At least you are able to interact on some level to get used to the fact that they are people too, there's no need to be so nervous or anxious or cold, find a way to be yourself around the opposite sex and it will do wonders to your self-esteem and self confidence. 

Although you do learn much more through relationships, do whatever you find comfortable, nothing should feel forced.  And I’ve seen a lot of examples of strange relationships and limitations. I’ve seen those who befriend but don’t date, those who date but don’t befriend, those who tag along with a sibling/friend but only observe from the sidelines (third wheel), those who date and/or befriend everyone under the sun but will never allow their sibling to do so or live freely till that ring is on their finger and it’s game over (hypocrisy at its best!). As long as people do it out of their own choosing and they did what they felt was right, total respect. I just think one shouldn’t underestimate the advantage of such exposure in the long run i.e. marriage. The more insight you have on the opposite gender, the more you can focus on what really counts.

My answer to the question is of course we can be strictly platonic. The more the issue is over-hyped, the more it becomes an issue when it doesn’t need to be. Of course if someone is just plain shy by nature and doesn’t see themselves being friendly around guys/girls, that’s a different story, it’s part of their character. I suppose it does require a bit of maturity and perhaps even some modesty! One must be humble enough to accept not every guy/girl they meet is a potential. I see that is the case with many people more often than I care to admit. Just by getting along with someone, people might imagine sparks where there are none. To these people I say be honest with yourselves, do you genuinely feel the chemistry and is it mutual, or are you just over-excited you hit it off so well? I even saw cases where the sparks were a hallucination from both sides, plain disastrous. I do believe that the key to keeping things strictly platonic is respect, and lots of it. Both parties must behave respectfully in order to be deserving of respect, it ain't given away for free. I don't mean be stiff and frigid, just know where the lines are and draw them firmly.

This does, however, present another concern….

What about friends of the opposite sex while married?

Later addition (10/12/2012). Nicely said! Just get over yourself...

With a Little Help from Marvin and Barry (Part 2 of 2)

'Bride & Groom/Female dominance' - from the series, An Intimate Geography. 
by Aziz Qahtani © 2010 - 2011
http://azizqahtani.com/

From the brilliant work of the young artist Abdulaziz Qahtani, the boundaries of social taboos in our region have been tested. Each and every piece in the series entitled An Intimate Geography speaks volumes, very bold, daring and thought provoking to both Middle Eastern and Western minds. This particular piece is one of my personal favorites. I look at this and cannot help but find it humorously ironic how despite the clear sexual connotations, they stand up straight, indifferent, side by side, not even touching. How very Arab! The shock and awe induced by the imagery is a testament to how we have been conditioned to denounce any connection between culture and the mere essence of sexual activity. So much so that for some people it's hard to shake that idea off when the time comes to do so. Change the cultural background of the subjects to something more Western and it would not have made nearly as bold a statement. But beyond the shock and awe, I wonder if this depiction is more true than we care to believe. Maybe, just maybe, appearances really are deceiving and things aren't as they seem. I admit it is a tantalizing thought; that behind our high walls and closed doors it is in fact the man who submits to the woman (if the woman is smart enough, she could do so and make him believe he's the one in control). Are we that good at keeping up appearances?

We all know that appearances do make a difference to some extent. We tend to analyse things based on appearance and from that form a first impression. The way you present yourself does indeed say a lot about you. This applies to nearly everything from job interviews to the people we meet on a daily basis. But there's a difference between general appearance and looks. There are those who judge potential partners based on looks; either they want someone good-looking or surprisingly they don’t (they know themselves to be the jealous type). To those who insist on a pretty face I tell you looks will fade. looks mean nothing. A message perhaps Disney failed to deliver. From experience I believe that when you get to know someone even as a friend, and you like their character and personality, you somehow get drawn to them and in time they become beautiful in your eyes. You see every imperfection is perfect. It’s an unexplainable phenomenon in my eyes; how genuinely loving a person lets you see them in such a different light. Even with someone who is pretty, with little to no substance beyond it you tend to get bored; what once dazzled you will eventually appear lackluster over time.

Meanwhile, those who deliberately dodge people who are good-looking I find are equally judgmental.  Pretty people need love too. If it’s a matter of jealousy, I commend you for knowing yourself well enough not to put yourself in that position, knowing you will be insanely jealous if you were with someone beautiful. But at the same time, come on! Beautiful or not, it’s the character and conduct of the person that you should judge not their looks. You might be with a total ugo (ugly one) who instead of attracting attention from the opposite sex, would go after it (tends to be the case with ugoes, insecurity issues coupled with the need for validation). How would that be any better?!

Save your impression on their looks, and just go with it. You might be surprised who you end up connecting with, it might not be what you have imagined her/him to be like at all! Don’t put extra limitations on yourself, you’ve already got limited room to maneuver as is.

Equally problematic though, is having insane chemistry or attraction towards someone and not much else. That kind of animalistic, primal attraction is fleeting, not to mention potentially destructive. It’s usually the young and foolish who tend to believe this kind of thing is the real thing. That level of passion could so easily flip into passionate hate and even flip back and forth again and again. This is the kind of chemistry that is what they call unstable. Now let’s go back to the labs; what happens to an unstable chemical compound? When shocked, it leads to a reaction, possibly (likely) an explosive reaction. That kind of explosive attraction will make everything else explosive. We don’t want that now, do we? But if that attraction is there (explosive or not), and everything else seems to have fallen into place also, congratulations! You have won the marital jackpot! But being caught up in a whirlwind of passion is downright dangerous to me.

Now it’s no big secret that ideally, our culture does not condone premarital sex. Because of this ban some people rush to change the pre- to post- to avoid eternity in hell (forgive the bluntness, I mean no disrespect just trying to get to the point). At this point I am left confused though. Because some people really just can’t keep it in their pants, and their religion dictates they do so until marriage, I can’t help but feel sorry for them because that surely is one big moral dilemma right there. Hence they are quick to bind themselves to a partner for life just to avoid sin. This kind of thing makes sense one second and then it just makes no sense the next. So let me get this straight; you decided to make such a monumental life decision and choose your life partner just so you can bump uglies with divine consent, completely neglecting what it means to take on another human being to join you on life’s journey? What about all the other aspects of marriage; is your partner merely a play thing strictly for your pleasure? But then again, it’s either that or premarital sex (or maybe a little self restraint, although easier said than done I’m sure), hence my confusion and sympathy. What I have always wondered though is that if we are a part of a society which does not publicly condone premarital sex, and some people go ahead with it anyway, what happens if they finally do get married? Do they fess up to their soon-to-be partners about their previous sexual 'experience' or do they build the marriage on lies?

The solution to some [Islamic] religious folk is: Muta’a (temporary) marriage. A marriage tailored for those who cannot keep it in their pants, do not feel prepared to embark on a full-on marital life and just do not want to burn in hell. In a nutshell, basically it entails paying a women a dowry to enter a marriage with a predetermined expiration date, she has no rights in this arrangement as the average wife does e.g. not included in his inheritance, not expected to be provided for and any children born will go to him no questions asked. Oh ok, that totally makes sense. Totally. Also another alternative which also acts as a remedy for spinsterhood is Misyar marriage where a woman gives up more or less all marital rights owed to her in a traditional marriage. All she gets is regular visits (at her own home) from her 'husband' who does no provide for her in any way or even live with her. Most of the men resorting to this convenient set up do so to take up a second wife in secret. 

(The term ‘dickheaded’ suddenly holds a whole new meaning in this context)

Now you can agree with this or not, but I personally find that idea revolting. In my eyes it is a legitimized affair or contractual prostitution with consent of a cleric. Concepts such as this are ruining the image and sanctity of marriage; a quick fix to avoid commitment and damnation all-in-one! With such a tempting offer why would anyone settle for an old fashioned marriage, eh? Even more worrying is what happens to the 'wife' after this arrangement is over? This is clearly designed with the male in mind. This type of religiously-condoned thinking is producing a social disease instead of addressing the root of the problem. If our society is having trouble with marriage, there is clearly a problem in how we socialize. Therefore it is a social issue, not a religious one.

It’s about time we briefly address those who simply cannot wait till marriage. Without even thinking twice about it, they just go for it (and go for it, and go for it, etc). I may come off a little self-righteous here but abstinence really is the way to go, one thing Bush Jr. actually got right (a message which fell on deaf ears). Yay abstinence! Some may think saving oneself until marriage is for religious purposes only, completely oblivious of the negative impact it may have on your sex life and sex drive once you do get married. An experience you are only meant to share with your other half you have already shared with someone else (or multiple someones), consequently tainting what should be a unique experience between husband and wife. 

And girls don't think if you spread your legs it's a done deal and he WILL marry you. The definition of gullible right there. If you do it just for the heck of it, hey, power to ya! Just don't think for a second that doing so will guarantee a ring. That is literally all I'm willing to say on this point, it's just that stupid. 

So consider saving yourself for your first, your last, your everything. Now with the help of the one and only Mr. Barry White....let's boogie!

With a Little Help from Marvin and Barry (Part 1 of 2)

Upon making the marriage official, and all the paperwork is done, the cleric turned to the husband and said:

“ستكون أقرب إليها من أبيها”

(Translation: You will be closer to her than her father)

Pillar number three: Physical. 

We come to the third pillar. I have a feeling this is going to be brief because I want to keep it PG. In a nutshell, in addition to the emotional and mental connection, there must be a physical connection (altogether I believe they form what is referred to as 'chemistry' between two people). If you are not physically attracted to the person before you, soon to be your wife/husband, there could be problems. If you don’t, at some point(s), feel the urge to rip each others’ clothes off and just pounce, then there is no attraction. If you don’t have that urge, don’t think it is civil or respectful of you, not each and every thought that crosses your mind has to be decent, and don’t try to convince me otherwise. Parts of marriage are, let’s say, indecent and that would mean you have less than decent thoughts when thinking of your other half (not all the time though, that’s a whole other problem altogether). Our culture has always deemed this issue indecent, something people don’t normally discuss openly and we don’t see much of it as they do in the West (don’t get me wrong, that’s a part of our culture I actually like!). The downside however is because of lack of exposure people tend to feel it is indecent or ‘aib and never get over that notion, always feeling shy or embarrassed when it comes to matters of pleasure. It is more than natural; people have been doing it for centuries. Your chance has finally arrived, just enjoy it!

"There's nothing wrong with me loving you. And giving yourself to me could never be wrong if the love is true." - Marvin Gaye

(WARNING: This song may result in pregnancy)

It’s only logical that one has chemistry with their partner, to me that is a combination of emotional, mental and physical compatibility. And that physical compatibility is a physical manifestation of the emotional and mental connection between two people. By physical compatibility I don’t mean that you look good together (although to me that is a must, but that’s just me being superficial), it’s that you have that attraction that makes you gravitate towards each other. You feel this magnetic pull towards one another.

In my eyes, this aspect of marriage is by far the most difficult to determine until the marriage is done and dusted. All you have to work off of is a feeling of attraction and nothing more. Whether or not that chemistry will meet each person’s expectations, there’s no way of really knowing. I admit, that is scary. Because what a huge bloody let down that would be, eh?! In all seriousness though, it is tricky to detect. This physical connection is an extension of the love you share and therefore vital to the relationship, it will bring you closer. And this is what makes marriage such a unique relationship; since this is a closeness you will only ever have with your other half. This is something that shouldn’t be embarrassing to think about or even talk about between the two of you. You have to be open about what you like and what you want. If you don’t get it out of your marriage, where else can you get it? (Again, this is another driver for infidelity.)

This aspect of marriage is often reduced to 'making babies' or perhaps it is the marital right of the male alone; just wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Now that's unfair, and fairly primitive if you ask me. We ladies need some lovin' too, we have needs! Things like this make me understand how one could believe man came from monkeys. Then we have the opposite end of the spectrum, porn-addicts. As far as I'm concerned, no good can come of it. It completely warps and deforms one's expectations and with time it could make one desensitized (figuratively and literally). Excessive porn leads to a more behavioral addiction which in my view is worse than substance addiction. From a very insightful (albeit lengthy, still well worth a read) article in The Guardian on the subject, it seems the effects are more deep-rooted than one would care to admit:

'....the user of pornography is also psychologically on the run...."People who use pornography feel dead inside, and they are trying to avoid being aware of that pain. There is a sense of liberation, which is temporary: that's why pornography is so repetitive - you have to go back again and again."' Men and Porn by Edward Marriott, The Guardian

Now that the awkward subject is out of the way, I want to talk a bit about physical appearances, but I'll get to that later.