Actions and RE-Actions

Meet Mike Falzone. An unexpected but endless source of wisdom. My favorite part is @1:25.

Actions really do speak louder than words. They are more potent. Doing the action without the commentary is even better. Let your actions speak for themselves because proclaiming what you do or why you do it does not really say much, especially before the deed is done (if in fact it is done). If anything, such self-made proclamations are usually false; it's usually what you think you do or what you'd like to see yourself as rather than what you actually do. If you want to be the person you claim to be, prove it. Show it in the way you carry yourself, in the way you treat others, in your attitude towards life. Don't just do so in front of those you wish to impress, turn around and put on a different mask. It's all about intentions - al-niyya - and believing that really having the right intention will ultimately guide your actions and guide it well. Even when it doesn't work out so well, as long as the true good intention is there it does actually count. At least it does in my eyes.

This is where introspection comes into play. This is why you need to spend time examining yourself; your intentions, your thoughts, your values and opinions. What is it that you see in yourself as good? How does that affect your conduct, if it affects it at all? What is it that you wish to see in yourself? How do you achieve that? How can you improve? What is it that you value most in life? Does it deserve such value? You start to ask yourself such questions, all the while examining your behavior as it is. Put them side to side, does it bode well for you? If you find yourself talking a lot of shit and never really backing it up it's okay, as long as you realize you're a bullshitter and attempt to sort that out. Now if you talk a lot of shit and don't think you do, you got problems. The problem isn't just that you lie to others but you lie to yourself in the process. What do you gain from peddling all that bullshit which more often than not is obvious to be so? You lose credibility as a person - as a fellow human - and people normally can sense the BS.

I can't stand people who just say crap which is usually wildly untrue just for the sake of pretending they know about said crap; the know-it-alls. Although this trait is not exclusive to a particular gender, men are far more likely to be in such situations. Men have a real problem admitting they don't know something. They only do when they know that 'knowing something' will lead them to doing something they just don't feel like doing, so in that case not knowing is more convenient. Otherwise, some people just can't accept the fact that there are some things they just don't know about, life has not led them down that path just yet. We are only human, it's okay to not know something. Even if yo do know quite a bit more than your average Joe, humility is a beautiful quality. However we are also in an age where information is so easily accessible, if you want to know about something, you very well can in minutes. Educate yourself and broaden your horizons! You don't have to wait for someone to push you to. There is a downfall to that though, because with all that information readily available, we have almost become dependent on it. We no longer attempt to withhold information because we can always go back and ask the same question again and again, no judgement from Google. But I digress.

Just as important as actions are one's reactions; how you react to certain situations or others' actions. Since you cannot control people's behavior, you can surely control your own to better react to the situation and sometimes even appease the person before you a little. But if - for example - someone explodes and you explode back, I assure you it will go nowhere.

I am a huge believer in taking the time to understand the person standing before you, regardless of who that person is. Everyone is going through stuff in their lives and it tends to spill all over the place. Even when it doesn't remotely concern you, you may end up being a target or a punching-bag of sorts. Try to envision what could cause them to spontaneously explode and make an effort to prevent the explosion or stop it in its tracks instead of adding fuel to the flame. The way you react could very well embarrass them as they realize how things have been blown hugely out of proportion, and that more often than not, it is over a trivial matter that could surely be resolved more peacefully. Empathy, my dear Watson, I assure you can go a long way.

If you can manage to adjust your conduct so that your initial response is not a vehement one, you will realize that life will run a bit more smoothly, for you and everyone else too. You could relieve yourself of that little bit of tension everyday until it all rolls away. Now I'm not saying we should all be passive in such situations, just gauge your reactions accordingly. I honestly feel we could attract more bees with honey than with vinegar. Even if you owe the person nothing, if they scowl.....then you smile. Kill 'em with kindness.

I came across this video which gives a small peak into various lives that are going in and out of a hospital, and ultimately in and out of our lives. As we pass by countless nameless people each day, we rarely think beyond our own life story. To us, they are mere extras. So try to envision those around you in a similar way; you rarely know of all the things anyone in your life is going through at any point in time, even those close to you. And I'm not saying we should always excuse people's behaviors, just seek to understand them better and understand what could be causing the behavior. Even so, lines can still be crossed just make sure they are reasonably placed lines.

I read something around the world wide web that really stuck with me:

Time decides who you meet in your life, your heart decides who you want in your life, but behavior decides who will stay in your life.

Listen...

It's not as easy as it appears...listening. You may be hearing something but listening actually requires you to process what you hear a little further. The wonders of listening are endless, but people seem to be doing it less and less. They may hear what you're saying, they may even sense your tone, but they could just pick up a word you said and just run with it hoping to God they have not exposed themselves to be far away from the conversation. Miscommunication from poor listening or lack thereof give rise to many issues most of which are trivial. Have you ever witnessed a conversation (more like an argument) where both parties are saying so much but it seems neither one actually heard what the other said? Instead, each party is more concerned with expelling what it is THEY want to say with complete disregard to what the other is saying.

Maybe the digital age is to blame. Have we gotten so used to reading and re-reading text at our 'earliest' convenience to reply only to confirm that we read? Only to take our time to calculate what to say; type, delete, type, erase, type, edit, type, send. When read off a screen, what is being typed in is sometimes not understood the same way when read out. Written and telephonic methods of communication are a blessing sometimes, but they certainly cannot compare to or do the job of face-to-face contact. That is also another cause of miscommunication in my opinion. But I digress.

There are various ways to categorize the different kinds of listening, but the following is more relevant and also sums it up quite nicely. The categories are as follows:

1. Inactive listening: That's when you hear noise but your mind is elsewhere.
2. Selective listening: You choose what you want to hear and run with it like an idiot.
3. Active listening: When the noise is actually processed as words and you are aware of what those words mean.
4. Reflective listening: This is listening while you engage with what is being said. This is like advanced level stuff, not a lot of people seem to be capable of doing it.

I know it seems a bit much to be fully aware and ready to really 'listen' at a moment's notice. You're brain is sometimes preoccupied making it difficult to focus when it is time to. And sometimes you really don't need to be listening intently. Other times, listening is so valuable.

I don't know about guys in this respect, but girls sometimes feel the need to talk and have someone actively listen.

Just listen.

We don't want an opinion,. We don't want a solution. We certainly don't want criticism. We just want to unload the matter off our chest. In some situations we may want your opinion or help, but you will know when that is. Just because you don't need to really have any input, doesn't mean you don't need to listen. On the contrary, it is vital that you listen intently! It's a sign of intimacy, and not necessarily in a romantic way. This could be our version of a cry for help I suppose. Or maybe this is something we are telling you because we want you to know. We feel comfortable and close enough to you to just let you in our heads for a brief time - guard down and completely vulnerable - as we regurgitate our thoughts and emotions that we have been struggling to suppress. So when we are in such a fragile state and you can't be bothered to pay attention long enough for that, forgive us for being upset, but I believe in such cases we have every right to be.

This applies to every possible form of human relationship, certainly the close ones at least. Just being there for someone to simply listen is a testament of how the person before you loves and cares for you. Allowing someone to just talk while you just listen with very little input on your part may not seem like much, but showing someone you care to hear what they have been thinking/feeling is.

Bad listeners: those who simply like to hear themselves talk, or are arrogant enough - even rude enough - to belittle what's being said, always cutting in to say what THEY think of the matter, ignoring how others may feel. Those who always have an answer for everything, and it's usually the wrong one. Those who always somehow turn the whole ship around and have the audacity to make it about themselves. Yeah, those assholes..not the best listeners. That could be because they simply don't care, or they are in desperate need of a listener themselves but are probably too proud to admit it or allow it.

It does require a little sensitivity to recognize when someone needs you to be there for them to listen. But it really does allow you to get closer and closer to a person; to understand them better and consequently show them that you deserve their trust. You'll slowly be able to read beyond what is being said to what is being  thought and even felt. If you are with someone you cannot be bothered to do such a thing for, you are with the wrong person. You should not be with someone if you have to censor your thoughts and feelings with them either, calculating everything that's being said.

Some people have it the wrong way, though. They are always on alert and firmly believe that whatever words you use to form whatever sentences you make is not what you mean, when that's exactly what it boils down to. You know them, they over-analyze and insist there's something 'up' when there's absolutely nothing up or down. That's taking it a bit to far, me thinks. Then you have some people who just fail to properly communicate what they think and have the worst choice of words. Put those two together and the relationship just might work out, or be one disastrous miscommunication after the other.

Don't underestimate the simple power of listening, but don't push it Freud...

Every Arab Man is Sultan of his Harem

I made sure to post a little something about women (previous post) before putting this up as to avoid being seen as biased/feminist/sexist/etc. Don't flatter yourselves; men, women, all y'all crazy.

And as you probably can guess from the title...Yeah, I have been unashamedly watching one too many Turkish soaps....

But there is no denying that idea kind of stuck with us over time; every man is king of his castle. In a world where "democracy" is reigned supreme, you'd think maybe we can start at home, no? What was once a position of great duty, honor and respect, is now a position some abuse in the most horrific ways. Our culture, along with the Islamic religion, has given the man great responsibilities towards his household. That somehow has led some men to believe they have power rather than a duty to fulfill, and they brutally abuse that power. Possibly one of my least favorite examples of this is polygamy; something Islam has permitted with the condition of equality, as a solution to a societal problem, has instead been used in most cases as a man's right to indulge in multiple partners in a way destructive to once stable homes.

It is this very thinking that makes the Arab man believe that he should only hold certain prestigious jobs and positions. Just like on Kuwaiti soaps where nearly every male character has a company or sharikah and every son works for his dad and eventually takes over. It is also this very thinking that makes the Arab man feel he is invincible, he is above the law. Hence the cutting of legal corners at nearly every corner. And let us not forget the fantastic traffic on our Middle Eastern roads where everyone drives by their own rules and 3 lanes magically become 7, and people feel they are in the right to do so! It is that diseased mind that believes the Arab man is supreme, it is this very thinking that makes the Arab man treat his wife and even other women in his life like some sort of possession to the point of insult and abuse, believing wholeheartedly he has the right to do so. And in some places where there is no law to protect women in these cases from such power-hungry and hugely insecure thugs, the women are left defenseless. But I digress.

I feel as women the world over progressed to assert their position in the world, some men didn't get the memo, and are still bewildered at the changes occurring in what was once the natural order. The whole archaic notion of me-man-me-go-hunting/you-woman-you-cook-meat just does not want to go away (trying to convey the cave man voice through text, message received?). Although I know some women like it that way, especially some Arab women with men who go hunting and 'the help' cooking the meat. But that notion extends far beyond household duties. It's that the man makes all the decisions, the man is always right. It is that possessiveness where a woman loses her identity because she is now under his roof, therefore she must follow his rules, completely disregarding the fact that she is a grown-ass woman (pardon my French). Granted, some women do not behave like adults and are in constant need of authority throughout their lives, but that's only because she's never been given a chance. Forgive me, but a woman having to ask her husband for permission to, let's say, go to the mall...quoi? It's like a college student asking his professor to go to the restroom in the middle of a lecture; that stopped the minute you graduated high school kid, you don't need to raise your hand to ask permission to relieve yourself. Sometimes I think to myself: are we really still making this an issue? I mean really? Expecting her to ask permission, demanding she dress/behave a certain way, telling her what she can and can't do is all robbing her of her identity and any voice she ever or probably never had. And get this, for this reason some men prefer to marry (real) young girls to continue on where the father left off and raise her into the wife he wants her to be.....

*Mind explodes*

So I say this to you, pompous Arab man: get over yourself. Who do you think you are? You ain't no Sultan of no Harem.

The Arab man - in my eyes - is somewhat massively confused. If not confused, then perhaps conflicted? As open-minded as some men start out, once they are knee-deep in the pool of the stereotypical Arab, they feel the need to conform. They don't realize they can just get out of the pool! What gets me is at some point in their lives they had a sound mind, sound logic and sound judgement. Then somehow they do a 180 and become the stereotypical Arab they once despised. I find that they, more than women, conform to what society expects of them and are sometimes crushed by the pressure of that expectation. Hence some men marry only to meet that expectation knowing their hearts are not in it. That could sentence them to a lifetime of discontent or lead them to a downright nasty divorce. Worst part is he plays the victim and punishes the wrong person. And what with the poor girl you feel you 'settled' for? It's just not fair on her or even you to go into marriage for such reasons. But so long as you did, do right by her at least.

There is a certain species of Arab men that have been said to be somewhat robotic; lacking in any emotion, programmed to clock in and clock out, covering all the basics out of obligation rather than out of love. I've observed a few men of this species, and I can't help but feel sorry for them. I am wholeheartedly convinced that those who are seen as robotic and heartless, are those who have suffered deep, severe sorrow and heartache most. It's almost as if they reached a point in their lives where they sacrificed who they are, what they want in life, their dreams and aspirations because they felt compelled or obligated to do so. They grow up to be bitter and cold as they carry out their obligations to the fullest, but those closest to them are the ones who pay the price. He's a prisoner in his own life, and he imprisons the one sleeping next to him along with him.

To conclude, I wanted to share a story I heard about this Egyptian woman who killed her husband, chopped him up into little pieces and slowly fed it to the dogs (she actually researched how to do it through the internet). When I did a quick Google search I was surprised to find more than one story along those lines, each more heinous than the other. I can't help but think maybe, just maybe, the husband actually deserved it. I mean, it may not be the humane thing to say, and surely I don't like the idea of a man dying at the hands of his own wife, or anyone else for that matter. But it takes a lot of pent up anger, humiliation, desperation, helplessness and psychological damage to drive someone to do such a thing to their own spouse. Something to think about I suppose.

Behind Every Happy Peacock is a Clever Peahen

There is a growing trend giving rise to brazen, impertinent women in the Middle East, myself included. Who can blame us though? We've been pushed around long enough! But admittedly, some women do take it a bit too far (I am no exception). Since childhood, even as good little school girls we have been led to believe we should stick to what we're good at and what we know, being confined to a certain role (read: The Trouble with Bright Girls). Frankly, I imagine we are getting quite sick of it. But perhaps the years of oppression has led to an unruly backlash sometimes targeted towards the wrong people.

Ladies. Ladies, ladies, ladies! Stand up, but ease up. Don’t allow others to step all over you, but don’t go and do the stepping yourself. If only you knew the innate power of your femininity. There is no shame in being emotional. There is no shame in being considerate of others. There is no shame in being giving. Own it! It is what makes you superior to man.

Acting like a man will never get you a man. Being the dominant one in the relationship is insanely emasculating and insulting to a man and he may never recover from you doing so. He may even resist entirely and punish you eternally for it just to ‘put you in your place’. Don’t be a total pushover but don't let it get to that either. Let him wear the pants but be the one who puts the pants on for him instead (slightly disturbing sight, hopefully the point has been made). The way I see it, let the man be the man. A man likes to know he is needed and appreciated. Let him feel like he is in control for the most part. Fluff up their egos from time to time; let the peacocks display their feathers and give them the awe they are looking for. Show him you are impressed by the display and have chosen him as your peacock. 

Similarly, don’t act like a child and pour all over him, either. It may be cute for a while, but no man can put up with a grown woman who is constantly immature. With the immaturity comes the irresponsibility, mild cases of stupidity and various forms of juvenile behavior. To me, this is a clear sign that the decision to be in a relationship is a bit premature. If you lose yourself in him, you will struggle to find her again at the first sign of his absence.

“My persuasion can build a nation” – “Who Run The World”, Beyonce

That line simply resonates with truth. Initially, I thought the song was irritating and unnecessarily aggressive, but the older I got, the more of life I experienced, the more I understood the source of that apropos aggression. Women tend to focus so much on how they are oppressed and what to do in order to combat that oppression. However it is my humble opinion that this battle began because women simply forgot how to be women. A clever woman can always get her way, without having to appear weak or be a total bitch. We just need to realize what we are instinctively capable of and pick our battles. Not everything is worth putting up a fight, direct your energies where it would have maximum impact.

Since I was a young girl, I have always been fascinated by Cleopatra. Although her wit and charm did get her in a world of trouble which led her to tragically end her own life, you have to admire her ability to get not one, but two of the most powerful men of the Roman Empire at the time to do her bidding and protect her own kingdom. Some would attribute this to the power of seduction i.e. it was purely physical and emotional manipulation that got world leaders wrapped around her finger. However there has been skepticism towards her actual appearance. Simply put, there’s a chance she wasn’t that pretty. Regardless, surely she couldn’t have achieved what she did with her beauty alone. Her character, charisma, charm and wit are what others believe to be how she managed to influence both Marc Anthony and Julius Caesar before him. However many fail to mention the intelligence of Cleopatra; that she spoke 9 languages and was a brilliant mathematician (a trait she shared with Caesar, not so much Anthony). What it really was about her that made her story legendary, we may never really know. More importantly is how she managed to keep her kingdom afloat through these two men, which makes her all the more intriguing to me.

It is that innate capability that we women have that I believe Cleopatra took full advantage of (perhaps even abused?). There is no denying the greatly underestimated strength of a woman. Sadly, women are the ones who have difficulty recognizing that. Greatness is not something a woman can achieve by acting like a man (we were created differently for a reason!). It is in realizing your own inherent strength that comes with being a woman and knowing how to utilize it. I am not referring to physical assets and sexual seduction - although there is plenty of room for that in a marriage - it’s more about knowing how to deal with the man before you. It’s about knowing how to read him; when he needs your attention, when he needs space, when he needs compassion, even when he needs food. Knowing how to deal with him when he’s in a mood or knowing what ticks him off are all things that should be kept in a mental bank and referred to regularly and perhaps even used to your advantage. Open your eyes, pay attention, use your mind and you will know the secrets to making him happy and it will return to you ten-fold.

This isn’t to say that there is one successful formula in how to treat a man – every man is different – nor is it 100 % successful (more of a hit and miss) but the approach I guess is similar. Don’t ignore him, but don’t pour all over him either. Don’t be a slave to his every whim, yet don’t neglect him altogether. Just be aware of him and his needs. A lot of women take the petty road and turn to manipulation and mind games. This could be a quick fix, but it could very well backfire somewhere down the line. Also, it's fucking exhausting and borderline frustrating.

“As I said, though, a woman has a wonderful influence over a man’s whole life. If I had a chance to change the great social fabric any, though, I should ask woman to be more thoughtful of her husband, and, if possible, less severe. I would say to woman, be a man. Rise above these petty little tyrannical ways. Instead of asking your husband what he does with every cent you give him, learn to trust him. Teach him that you have confidence in him. Make him think you have anyway, whether you have or not. Do not seek to get a whiff of his breath every ten minutes to see whether he has been drinking or not. If you keep doing that you will sock him into a drunkard’s grave, sure pop….. So I say to you that woman, in one way or another, either by strategy and winnin’ ways or by main strength and awkwardness, is absolutely sure to wield an all-fired influence over poor, weak man, and while grass grows and water runs, pardner, you will always find her presiding over man’s destinies and his ducats.” 

– Woman’s Wonderful Influence, an excerpt from the book Remarks by Bill Nye

Women have an immense capacity to love and care for others yet I feel the modern woman holds that particular instinct back as to not appear weak or fragile. There really is a way to have your cake and eat it too. You can be a badass Miss Independent also capable of some affection and compassion. Embrace the qualities that make you who you are, and be sure he sees those qualities and loves you for who you are.

Never. Settle.

A Little Space Goes a Long Way

As promised, the issue of couples having the same group of friends will be addressed! 

It sounds ideal doesn’t it; socializing together with other couples (or singles), having everything out in the open. Just one big happy shillah. Something about the idea I find unsettling though. In my head, couples who always socialize together have one heck of a car ride home to look forward to! A lot of “why did you say this?” and “what did you do that for?” I’m sure. Let’s not forget “you embarrassed me in front of all our friends!” oh dear! What you see on the ever-so-popular TV show FRIENDS is not normal. It is not normal to always and forever be involved in a single group of friends together with very limited friendships beyond that. It is not healthy! It’s always good to diversify.

Sharing friends, or situations where ‘my friends become your friends’ are slightly worrying. Maybe I’m thinking with the end in mind here, and how bloody awkward it would be for everyone involved if the relationship didn't work out. Who gets custody of the friends?! Or if you're in the middle of an argument, who gets to hang out with the friends?

Seriously though, without being too cynical, it’s nice to have friends outside the marriage who are your friends alone. Sure your friends can come round with their spouses for a couples’ night every now and then, and maybe you even do share some friends. But make sure you have a social life beyond that, one that is your own. You don’t have to be attached at the hip and do everything together. Not every event has to be attended together; you’re no Hollywood or royal couple where people will talk if one of you doesn’t show. As Khalil Gibran so wisely said in the The Prophet: 

‘Let there be spaces in your togetherness’.

I can never ever deny the truth in the saying ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’. And that goes duly for a marriage. I mean your spouse becomes the single person you see the most on a daily basis, day-in and day-out. As much as the thought of being away from your partner might be too much to bear sometimes, you need a healthy dose of you! You need to allow yourselves to miss one another. So any chance to do so should be welcomed. True, you do share a life now, but that shouldn't keep you from tending to yourself - love thyself!

I don’t believe one must wait for an excuse to get some space either. Let him have his boys' nights and let her have her girls' nights. If you don’t get a chance to get space, then create it! I suppose people might be sensitive towards the idea and feel their spouse is running away from them or is fed up with them, or that in doing so you are actively creating distance. However with the right amount of distance every now and then it could ultimately strengthen your relationship (too much would be a piss take). Both of you should allow the other to get this space without any hard feelings. Let it be something you both accept from time to time - before the space appears after an argument or fall-out of any kind by force. Just a regular dose of space can do wonders to a relationship. Sometimes this space can be in the form of a weekly or monthly trip/ritual e.g. he goes hunting while she spends the day at the spa. Or it can be in the form of a longer trip like visiting a friend or relative in another city/country. Through such absence you can actually miss each other and renew that excitement of reuniting.

Just be careful you don’t drift too far apart. Allow there to be space between you but make sure that space is not constant. Allow yourselves to lead separate lives but do not squeeze each other out. To me this is also a sign of trust; you trust your partner enough to not have to be a part of and actively involved in each and every aspect of their life. However, if I am with someone whom cannot be trusted this way, actually I wouldn't be with them in the first place! I wouldn't be comfortable with someone who I have to track their every move to keep them in check. Don't live your life supervising your spouse; you will both grow to be paranoid and find yourself doing things you never dreamed of doing because of it. Also, make sure it's mutual; he can't get his guy trips if you can't get some sort of equivalent.

Believe it or not,  I've seen married couples who have assigned certain days in which their spouses can see their friends. Please don't let it get to that, that's just sad. I honestly didn't know what to say to that when I first saw it, and I honestly still don't know what to say to that now. You're not a parent here, you're a spouse. This level of control over each other's life is unhealthy in my eyes. 

The Coffee Mug and the Tea Cup

An addendum to the previous ‘pillar’ before moving on to the next one. A more nonsensical rant than usual.

Last week’s post got me thinking about what it is about Arab males and females that sets them apart from the generic battle of the sexes. It seems the location of the battlefield in this case could be changing the rules of the game.

I'm not really a feminist in the sense that I do not agree that men and women should be totally and utterly equal in every and any way, shape or form, but that we are equally capable. This clip from the musical Annie Get Your Gun better explains my position on the matter.

We are different beings, created differently - anatomically, physiologically, mentally, emotionally - it is unnatural to be equals. I like to compare it to a coffee mug and a tea cup; no reason to discriminate between the two although they are shaped and formed differently. They seemingly do the same job and are both fully capable of doing so, but one is better at holding coffee and the other completes the tea experience, in the end they are both vessels in which we pour hot liquids, or even cold liquids. Hell, they both can contain anything possibly containable. I believe that men and women may complement one another, but it should be considered blasphemous to consider them equals. They are both fully capable of doing whatever it is the other does at the same or even higher level of proficiency. But in the end, a man should hold the door open for a woman, not the other way around. A woman is the one who carries a baby inside her for 9 months (hands down that is enough to prove women are superior to men, but I digress), something impossible for a man to even comprehend. So how can we simply ignore that men and women are in fact not equal? This is not to say one is better or more capable than the other. As the Egyptian religious leader and activist Moez Masoud put it: Men and women are not equal, they are mutually superior.

Arab men are such strange creatures to me. They are one big walking contradiction. They are the physical embodiment of the phrase ‘do as I say, not as I do’. The Arab ego I found is unique in comparison to the average male ego; they believe with every fibre of their being that they really and truly are ‘the shit’. Needless to say our culture is one which lends itself to male dominance; more is expected of the Arab man in any case. The entire household falls on his shoulders. He is expected to be driven, focused, stern, and in control. Society expects him to treat all women with respect as if we are all his sisters (a bit idealistic, I know, but you’ll be surprised how deeply instilled that notion is, so much so that sometimes they don’t even know they have it in them). I strongly believe that if chivalry is dead elsewhere, it probably came to the Middle East to die. Chivalry still exists here, I wouldn’t say it was alive and well but I see it from time to time. A lot is expected of the Arab man, and he knows it. There are those who crack under this pressure and take their failure to fully meet this expectation out on everyone around them. There are those who partially meet that expectation within reason by allowing themselves to let go a little. And then there are those who don’t meet this expectation by miles and, frankly, don’t give a damn. Let me be clear and say that the expectation to become the quintessential Arab man is impossible to reach; it was possible once upon a time but that breed is extinct, but only because times have changed and such roles have been re-defined.

Likewise, a lot is expected of the Arab woman. The difference being men seem to be sticking to the traditional role set out for them whereas a lot of women nowadays are doing all they can to break free of that pre-historic, pre-defined role. And that just leaves men massively confused. Men have been wired to take charge, but the modern woman will take orders from no one. However, some women of today seem to be taking it a step too far, giving birth to a special kind of insolence. Can you blame them, though? Middle Eastern women till today struggle to assert their position in the world, and they strive to do so. Fed up with being in the background, the modern Arab woman stops at nothing to prove to the world she is here and she means business, and she doesn’t take lightly to anyone or anything that stands in her way. I have never met women as driven as Arab women, and I wish the Arab world would acknowledge and even exploit that more. They come in extremes though; either extremely driven or extremely....not.

Just when the man reaches the point in his life where he wants to slow down, the woman jets off! To her, life begins now. Having to hold off on a lot for the sake of appearances (as to not jeopardize her chances of marriage), once married she feels she has done what she had to do and now has to answer to no one! 


Oh contraire, don’t forget the poor schmuck otherwise known as your husband!

This is where I find a split in Arab men. Some take it lying down and just don’t stand in her way – whether he actually supports her or just to shut her up – and accept the fact that they got screwed in this deal. Others won’t have it, they turn into this controlling monster they never knew existed and make Miss Independent (now Mrs.) regret ever using marriage as an ‘escape’ for the sake of freedom and independence. How could you possibly expect independence from a marriage when you are entering it with another person? This isn’t a marriage anymore, it’s a power play where nobody wins.

In the Middle East, to some life is what happens while you’re waiting to be married, but you’re too busy waiting to do any living. To others, life is what happens before you get married, after that you’re on death row! I can’t help but feel that societal expectations and/or restraints on both genders just aren’t doing anyone any favors. All it does is further complicate an already complicated situation.