Behind Every Happy Peacock is a Clever Peahen

There is a growing trend giving rise to brazen, impertinent women in the Middle East, myself included. Who can blame us though? We've been pushed around long enough! But admittedly, some women do take it a bit too far (I am no exception). Since childhood, even as good little school girls we have been led to believe we should stick to what we're good at and what we know, being confined to a certain role (read: The Trouble with Bright Girls). Frankly, I imagine we are getting quite sick of it. But perhaps the years of oppression has led to an unruly backlash sometimes targeted towards the wrong people.

Ladies. Ladies, ladies, ladies! Stand up, but ease up. Don’t allow others to step all over you, but don’t go and do the stepping yourself. If only you knew the innate power of your femininity. There is no shame in being emotional. There is no shame in being considerate of others. There is no shame in being giving. Own it! It is what makes you superior to man.

Acting like a man will never get you a man. Being the dominant one in the relationship is insanely emasculating and insulting to a man and he may never recover from you doing so. He may even resist entirely and punish you eternally for it just to ‘put you in your place’. Don’t be a total pushover but don't let it get to that either. Let him wear the pants but be the one who puts the pants on for him instead (slightly disturbing sight, hopefully the point has been made). The way I see it, let the man be the man. A man likes to know he is needed and appreciated. Let him feel like he is in control for the most part. Fluff up their egos from time to time; let the peacocks display their feathers and give them the awe they are looking for. Show him you are impressed by the display and have chosen him as your peacock. 

Similarly, don’t act like a child and pour all over him, either. It may be cute for a while, but no man can put up with a grown woman who is constantly immature. With the immaturity comes the irresponsibility, mild cases of stupidity and various forms of juvenile behavior. To me, this is a clear sign that the decision to be in a relationship is a bit premature. If you lose yourself in him, you will struggle to find her again at the first sign of his absence.

“My persuasion can build a nation” – “Who Run The World”, Beyonce

That line simply resonates with truth. Initially, I thought the song was irritating and unnecessarily aggressive, but the older I got, the more of life I experienced, the more I understood the source of that apropos aggression. Women tend to focus so much on how they are oppressed and what to do in order to combat that oppression. However it is my humble opinion that this battle began because women simply forgot how to be women. A clever woman can always get her way, without having to appear weak or be a total bitch. We just need to realize what we are instinctively capable of and pick our battles. Not everything is worth putting up a fight, direct your energies where it would have maximum impact.

Since I was a young girl, I have always been fascinated by Cleopatra. Although her wit and charm did get her in a world of trouble which led her to tragically end her own life, you have to admire her ability to get not one, but two of the most powerful men of the Roman Empire at the time to do her bidding and protect her own kingdom. Some would attribute this to the power of seduction i.e. it was purely physical and emotional manipulation that got world leaders wrapped around her finger. However there has been skepticism towards her actual appearance. Simply put, there’s a chance she wasn’t that pretty. Regardless, surely she couldn’t have achieved what she did with her beauty alone. Her character, charisma, charm and wit are what others believe to be how she managed to influence both Marc Anthony and Julius Caesar before him. However many fail to mention the intelligence of Cleopatra; that she spoke 9 languages and was a brilliant mathematician (a trait she shared with Caesar, not so much Anthony). What it really was about her that made her story legendary, we may never really know. More importantly is how she managed to keep her kingdom afloat through these two men, which makes her all the more intriguing to me.

It is that innate capability that we women have that I believe Cleopatra took full advantage of (perhaps even abused?). There is no denying the greatly underestimated strength of a woman. Sadly, women are the ones who have difficulty recognizing that. Greatness is not something a woman can achieve by acting like a man (we were created differently for a reason!). It is in realizing your own inherent strength that comes with being a woman and knowing how to utilize it. I am not referring to physical assets and sexual seduction - although there is plenty of room for that in a marriage - it’s more about knowing how to deal with the man before you. It’s about knowing how to read him; when he needs your attention, when he needs space, when he needs compassion, even when he needs food. Knowing how to deal with him when he’s in a mood or knowing what ticks him off are all things that should be kept in a mental bank and referred to regularly and perhaps even used to your advantage. Open your eyes, pay attention, use your mind and you will know the secrets to making him happy and it will return to you ten-fold.

This isn’t to say that there is one successful formula in how to treat a man – every man is different – nor is it 100 % successful (more of a hit and miss) but the approach I guess is similar. Don’t ignore him, but don’t pour all over him either. Don’t be a slave to his every whim, yet don’t neglect him altogether. Just be aware of him and his needs. A lot of women take the petty road and turn to manipulation and mind games. This could be a quick fix, but it could very well backfire somewhere down the line. Also, it's fucking exhausting and borderline frustrating.

“As I said, though, a woman has a wonderful influence over a man’s whole life. If I had a chance to change the great social fabric any, though, I should ask woman to be more thoughtful of her husband, and, if possible, less severe. I would say to woman, be a man. Rise above these petty little tyrannical ways. Instead of asking your husband what he does with every cent you give him, learn to trust him. Teach him that you have confidence in him. Make him think you have anyway, whether you have or not. Do not seek to get a whiff of his breath every ten minutes to see whether he has been drinking or not. If you keep doing that you will sock him into a drunkard’s grave, sure pop….. So I say to you that woman, in one way or another, either by strategy and winnin’ ways or by main strength and awkwardness, is absolutely sure to wield an all-fired influence over poor, weak man, and while grass grows and water runs, pardner, you will always find her presiding over man’s destinies and his ducats.” 

– Woman’s Wonderful Influence, an excerpt from the book Remarks by Bill Nye

Women have an immense capacity to love and care for others yet I feel the modern woman holds that particular instinct back as to not appear weak or fragile. There really is a way to have your cake and eat it too. You can be a badass Miss Independent also capable of some affection and compassion. Embrace the qualities that make you who you are, and be sure he sees those qualities and loves you for who you are.

Never. Settle.

"Moments in Love"

The title of this post is in fact a title of a song by Art of Noise, a song that this post is based on. I, for one, adore this song. My mom actually first heard it on the radio some time in the late 90s and went around to different record stores humming the tune in search for this mysterious track. Three CD purchases later, she finally found the track. Although, at the time all I really listened to (almost exclusively) was Ginuwine and Dru Hill, I still liked this track, as did all my siblings and anyone who had the pleasure of riding in my mom's car. As I grew older I continued to like it more and more. The older I got, the more I listened to it, the more the title made sense. At 10+ minutes, it's a long track but totally worth it, so give it a listen. If it's not to your liking, don't force yourself, you'll still get the message. I have yet to meet someone who doesn't like it so humor me and let me know if you don't (just to make sure y'all exist).

What I love most about this track is how it shifts in mood, to the point it reaches a very ominous, perhaps even a little frightening, mood at some point (@ 6:50-ish). It doesn't sound overly lovey-dovey either. It's sometimes serene, upgrades to a more sporadic serenity, there are pauses, and it even completely shifts into total chaos for a while before shifting back to the usual rhythm. I know these may not be the most technical descriptions, but hopefully you get the point. 

I love this song because it reflects the true moments in love in a way I feel is accurately depicted. It's hardly ever constant, far from perfect, but it still is love. Things will get hard, things will go wrong; over the silliest things or not. The important thing is to not give up so easily or too soon. It's so easy to face hardships and just bow out altogether, because in the back of our heads we somehow feel divorce is always a choice and many people take it the first chance they get. It's like the plane getting a little turbulence and you just jump off the plane anyway to avoid the bumpy ride. But where does that leave you? In the middle of Timbuktu, that's where! 

Sometimes the idea of divorce comes out as a horrible reaction, almost used as a weapon, without really considering the consequences of what's being said. Personally, I know myself to be a bit extreme in what I intend to do following an argument, which is why I like to put a lid on it before I say something I regret. So many different methods of retaliation go through my mind by the minute. Some are immediate and some are more long-term, maybe even evil. But after distracting myself long enough (time of distraction is proportional to level of anger), these reactionary diabolical schemes begin to subside and seem absurd even though the anger remains. It does tend to linger for a while. But eventually it does go away. Whether in a minute, hour, day, year(s), it does go away. Sometimes you need to put up with the feeling of anger for a while but don't let it govern your actions, especially ones you are likely to regret later. Therefore the idea of divorce should not be one borne out of frustration. And it shouldn't be announced to the world either, especially when it is most likely not happening. Now you have made your private marital matters public, and people will always wonder and secretly judge you for still being together. Keep such matters between you for as long as possible. 

Ultimatums like "do this or divorce" are just a low blow in my opinion. You're using your value to a person to get what you want. It's like your reducing the value of your whole relationship too just to use it as a bargaining tool. I'd hate to see the day they choose divorce over giving you what you want, and that is precisely what you're setting yourself up for. Divorce is not some sort of trump card. If you choose to do it because you're just not working together, then yeah I guess maybe that's fine. Although I believe such things could have been detected before becoming man and wife, that isn't always the case. In all fairness, there is always a point where divorce is imminent, and there's nothing wrong with that. But don't threaten with divorce every time things get a bit rough. On the other hand, don't delay the inevitable either. If you are destined for divorce, don't put it off. If you both feel that you cannot continue in the marriage, don't force each other to stay in order to save face or for the children's sake. Believe me the children are better off living in two whole homes than one broken one.

Now what happens when one side really and truly wants out but the other side doesn't in the least? To be honest, I really don't know. It's easy to tell married couples that they have to work it out, and that these hardships are normal. But they aren't all normal. There is a point where divorce is the only, perhaps even the most amicable, solution. I guess it's a bit pointless forcing someone to remain a part of a marriage they genuinely no longer find themselves in. In cases like this maybe it is best to just let go, even when you don't want to. But if you so desperately want out when your other half is fighting to keep you, maybe you may need to reconsider your decision (that is if divorce is not being refused merely out of spite). This person is fighting for someone who clearly wants nothing to do with them, doesn't that say something at least? At least half of you believe divorce can be avoided and you can overcome this. 

Love Thyself – Ain’t No Shame in a Little Self-Love

"It's been said that we can't love another until we learn to love ourselves. Not the narcissistic love that seeks a glimpse of itself in every mirror or shop window we pass but the kind of love that ensures that we take care of ourselves first before we take care of our family and friends"

-Anonymous

For starters I would like to wish everyone Ramadan Mubarak, may this holy month be a blessed one for you and your loved ones. This has been a post I have been eager to post for quite some time now. During such happy times when we're constantly surrounded by family and friends we tend to neglect ourselves completely, and no one pays the price more dearly than you.

We are human. We always feel the need for companionship in any and possibly every form (if you’re lucky enough). We see preteens on TV sitcoms fall in love with their first crush, and then onto their first boyfriend/girlfriend and it just snowballs from one relationship to another. We see it in the movies we watch, the books we read and the music we listen to; endless portrayals of perpetual relationships in hopes of finding love and happiness, we end up looking for it in the wrong places. This desperate need to find a life partner, eternal companionship, a guarantee to never be alone, perhaps leads us to neglect what's important and lose who we are in the process. We may end up compromising where we shouldn’t. It’s almost as if we are led to believe we are not good enough as we are on our own, and we need some form of reassurance or acceptance from someone else. Before you know it, you are conforming to the life of another person and neglecting yourself; the dreams you once had, the things you once loved, the goals you wanted to achieve. Don’t get me wrong, not all relationships are such, and surely there is no relationship without compromise. But it does happen in some cases; the minute you are linked to another person too soon, you suddenly take a back seat to your own life. Let yourself grow first; don't stunt your growth by getting involved with someone too soon. Find happiness within yourself, don't expect it to fall on your lap or be handed to you.

Somehow the idea of being selfish is seen as an entirely bad thing, but I don't think it's all bad. Yes, there is no selfless good deed but that's only because in certain circumstances, being selfish is okay. It is this blogger’s humble opinion that there cannot be love and happiness with another if you do not first find it within yourself. This is a belief I always had, but it was upon watching a talk on 'Habits of Happiness' given by French neuroscientist turned Buddhist monk Matthieu Ricard, that led me to reach for a pen and paper and articulate this philosophy of mine for the first time. The words poured out so quickly and passionately, it somehow reinforced my belief in them simply by writing it down. I cannot stress this enough: Love thyself! If you feel a void within, don’t expect someone else to fill it for you, especially when they may have a void of their own they are looking to fill. So far, this is what I've come up with:

1. Love yourself. If you cannot bring yourself to love you, how can you expect others to? Acknowledge your imperfections but know that no one is perfect. Take the good with the bad because it will never always be good. Be comfortable with who you are just as you are and accept yourself wholeheartedly. Others will follow.
2. Don’t judge others or yourself. It won’t do you any favors. Forget not the Golden Rule, Confucius say: "What you do not wish for yourself, do not do to others"
3. Don’t take yourself too seriously; learn to laugh at yourself.
4.  Spoil yourself. Allow yourself to indulge in life’s little pleasures and enjoy it thoroughly.
5. Put yourself first. This is your life, never neglect yourself and expect others to take care of you. You’ll be waiting a long time. Don’t ever feel you need someone to take care of you, but rather you want someone to do so.
6. Don’t rush through your days. Remember to take it all in as it goes along. You only live once; every day you live is a day you will never get back so make each day count.
7. Don’t be scared to admit when you want something, even just for the sake of wanting it. And if it is within reach, go for it. Don’t sell yourself short and give into self-doubt. Allow yourself to strive for something.
8. Dedicate some time for yourself. Every now and then, spend some time with ‘me, myself and I’ (not me as in the person who is writing this, 'me' as in you!). Some spend it in prayer and/or meditation, others in sport and exercise. Some find their solace with nature and others on the rooftops of skyscrapers. Whatever your flavor, make sure you set some time for yourself to do what you love and do it with passion.
9. Don’t be afraid to let your mind wander, see the wonderful places it could take you. Think, wonder, daydream, ponder. Unlock and explore the limitless bounds of your mind.
10. Live without regret. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you've made and those you have yet to make. The important thing is that you learn from them, there’s no need to be so hard on yourself.
11. Smile and laugh often. Make it count and relish in the moment.
12. Never try to be someone other than you. You are unique, celebrate it! I promise you there is only one of you in this entire existence. (Refer to point #1)
13. Love wholeheartedly, unconditionally and passionately. Don’t hold back. Reserve your love for those deserving of it, but make sure you give them all you got.
14. Do not fear solitude. If you run away from yourself, so will those around you. (Refer to point #8)
15. Give credit where credit is due. Pat yourself on the back when you feel you've deserved it. Then chuckle at how slightly narcissistic that seems, and go on to treat yourself regardless. Oddly enough, according to Forbes, a little narcissism does pay off when job hunting. No harm in a little narcissism then! (Refer to point #4)
16. Pause. Reflect. Self-reflection in an open and honest way is not easy, maybe even a little daunting. No matter how honest you are with others, if you lie to yourself you could still hurt yourself and those around you. Trust yourself and only then can others feel they can truly trust you.

I wish I could have come up with something concise and catchy like some sort of mantra, but it wouldn’t do it justice to simplify it further. I feel like this list could go on, and it probably will. What would your list look like?

And now to the image at the top of the post. I have decided to include what in my eyes is an iconic image which symbolizes the value of happiness. This is the flag of Bhutan, a small, remote kingdom in South Asia where instead of measuring the nation's GDP (gross domestic product - used to indicate the health of a country's economy) they are more concerned with the nation's GNH; the gross national happiness. The government has made the happiness of its people the primary indicator of the nation's 'health'. Studying the impact of any governmental policies or programmes on both the GDP and GNH, the happiness of its people has become a political priority. How lovely is that! Wouldn't want to live there though, some policies are a bit extreme but still a lovely thought nonetheless.

In closing, some wise words from the world's most famous Buddhist, Buddha himself!

You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.

Things That Make You Go Green

When getting married, your partner becomes everything to you; a spouse, a lover and a friend for starters. That friendship could be built on or integrated to strengthen the bond and relationship between husband and wife. But then, does that mean your spouse will be your only friend?

I’ve seen it happen a lot; one gets married and cuts off any and all friendships with the opposite sex. Although it has yet to happen to me personally - at least not with someone close enough to matter - I fear the day it does happen. It all just seems so sad. You’ve been friends for x amount of years and suddenly, nothing? I mean the friendship is expected to experience a shift in boundaries once one or both sides are married, that’s normal with any friendship of any gender and any culture too. But cut off altogether? It makes me feel like the friendship was cheap and meaningless, feels like it wasn’t supposed to happen or it was wrong to be friends in the first place.

I don’t know if this cutting-of-the-ties is done on the spouse’s request or it’s some sort of unwritten rule. If it’s the latter, I wish someone would go ahead and just write a rule stating otherwise to cancel out this unwritten version. But like I said, with the start of any serious relationship one does naturally step back a bit with friends, and that’s usually if they consider their partner separate from their friends. Couples who socialize together and have the same group of friends could be either very lucky or unlucky (more on that later).

Do people really discuss this though? When a couple starts to get serious do they discuss who they will and will not continue their friendships with? I know in some cases there is always that jealousy from friends, especially if your partner does not like your friends. And in those cases sometimes there is a clear and resounding “them or me” ultimatum. I can never picture myself in such a situation and God forbid I ever find myself in one. I would hate to have the person I love ask me to cut ties with the people I’ve been close to probably and most likely far before he was ever a part of my life. And vice versa, I would hate to ask that of anyone.

The idea just makes me sad. I don’t want to have to say goodbye to any one of my friends, and I don’t want to lose any one of my friends for this reason. One may be willing to do this for a partner at first but that might breed resentment further down the line. Of course this applies to close friends; I’m not talking about people you merely know. For those you just ‘know’, if you’re partner just does not want you near them for whatever reason no matter how ridiculous, they’re not worth the battle, regardless of 'principle'. So in cases like this I would understand how it's best to respect your partner's wishes at least to some degree. But with close friends, it boggles my mind how people let go so easily without a fight. If crazed jealousy is to blame here, the friendship can be a bit more limited without total destruction. If you genuinely feel or even notice that a certain 'friend' is being a little more than friendly, consider just talking about it. Mention it once, twice, 10 times. Actually discuss what you see/feel and let your feelings on the matter be known. Let the decision to deal with this person be their own. If they sense discomfort from your end, give them a chance to do something on their own accord. As long as they do so with conviction and not simply to shut their partner up!

"....the demon of jealousy, that dragon which slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive." 

- Havelock Ellis, On Life and Sex: Essays of Love and Virtue (1937) 

Jealousy is a monster I have yet to meet. I have met envy, boy have I met him! We are very well acquainted. But jealousy, especially the irrational kind that pushes one to unthinkable lengths, has never stood before me. To me jealousy is a mythical creature, sort of like Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster. I don’t believe in mythical creatures beyond the realm of myth. Which is why I cannot comprehend how one could allow something not real to cloud their judgment time and time again? You tell me your spouse is jealous of your friend. Pray tell me dear spouse, why are you jealous of this friend when it is you who are envied for being lucky enough to call your other half your own? Why are you so worried you will lose your love to this friend when your love has chosen to be with you? He/she could have chosen the friend, but they didn't. If fear of losing them is due to lack of trust, that’s a whole other ball game here. The question you should be asking is why would you be with someone you fear will leave you (again?) so easily if you didn’t keep them on a short leash? Forgive me but I see nothing loving or romantic about having to keep tabs on your spouse to keep them from slipping through your fingers. And keeping them from friends to avoid them slipping away will only delay the inevitable, not prevent it. Although I can't deny that people do feel jealousy, I can fault them for how they choose to act on it.

“Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy - in fact, they are almost incompatible; one emotion hardly leaves room for the other.” 

- Robert A. Heinlein, Stranger in a Strange Land

Jealousy and trust cannot coexist in a single relationship. Oddly enough just as some might see jealousy as a clear indication of lack of trust, others see the absence of jealousy indicative of lack of love! My partner is not jealous ergo he/she does not love me. Wow, some logic! Don't try and convince me there is a healthy kind of jealousy because it will never stay 'healthy'. As soon as it rears it's ugly green head even slightly, it will drag the rest of its ugly body around with it, and it will grow and fester within your relationship. However, I do believe one can be protective of their spouse, now that would be out of love in my opinion. But the minute you allow jealousy in, it will slowly but surely chase the trust out and eat at a once healthy love.

Since when does your partner micro-manage your social life and dictate who you may and may not befriend? When did love give them the right to do such a thing? Where’s the trust in all this? You want to be a part of each other’s lives, be a part of it as it is. Do not try to bend it at will to fit your liking, and that goes for the people in their lives, regardless of gender. Even worse still is when a spouse urges the other to cut ties with family members. The audacity of such requests drives me mad! That is genuinely how I see the issue, I do not see anyone has the right to tell me who to keep in my life and who to kick to the curb. But alas, not many people share this view.

People may believe that in a relationship, sacrifices such as this must be made for the sake of compromise, to please their other half. If and when the sacrifice is constantly going both ways - a two-way stream – I could perhaps say that’s fair. Foolish, but fair. They wanna play the sacrificial lovers that will do anything for each other, I get it (not really but I’ll let it slide). However I for one strongly believe there is such a thing as too much sacrifice and it leads to resentment. You shouldn’t need to give up so much for someone who supposedly loves you for who and how you are, not how they expect you to be. I’ll reserve this theory of mine to discuss in a later post in more depth.

Until then, if anyone has any pictures of 'jealousy' sightings as proof of existence, please share!

Love and Marriage (Part 3 of 3)

Be wary of love that sweeps you off your feet. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. Don’t take my word for it if you disagree, I’ll just wait in the sidelines when you crash and burn to tell you I told you so.  A little harsh, I know. But I mean well. I’ll be waiting to help you back up eventually (after ‘I told you so’). Honestly though, if things start to seem too perfect, look again. And again. Go splash your face with cold water and look again. There must be something you are missing. If there’s still nothing, start pushing buttons, try to get some sort of reaction. If things are still peachy, run for the hills. That kind of perfection is the stuff of psychopaths and horror films. Part of being in love is having ‘lovers’ quarrels’. It’s in the name, it’s gotta happen! This image of the ideal that has been painted in our minds is precisely that; an image, a still shot of what love could be (and an exaggerated one at that). It does not adequately represent the reality of the situation. People have this induced expectation of what love is from so many different sources. All of which may or may not be true at all, regardless, it does not necessarily hold true to you. Each and every person views life differently, and with that love is perceived differently as well. Even the value of love differs from person to person. Even the types of love vary (e.g. you don't love your family as you would your friends). We hear so much about this concept of 'love' as if it's some sort of hot commodity and people are desperate to experience it, only to realize it's not at all what they expected. Live your life, in time you will come to realize what it is you define as 'love' and you'll be that much closer to finding it. 

I wanted to side-track a bit and briefly touch on two matters which were somewhat presented in the previous 2 posts.

La familia! Parents can get a wee-bit pushy. Parents, I know you’d rather see them married and miserable than not married at all, but don’t do this to your kids. Forcing your children to marry – or for those who deny they force their kids, let’s say ‘insisting’ your children marry – cannot guarantee their happiness. You can’t know what will happen to them further down the line. I’m sure as parents you’d like to believe you know what’s best for them, but when it comes to a life THEY will be leading, a marriage that will no longer involve you once they are husband and wife, I beseech you practice some restraint, have some prudence and listen to your children. Let them know it’s ok to say no for their own reasons, don’t make them feel pressured to marry simply to please you. Because when things go wrong, I assure you they WILL blame you. Marriage is not the be-all and end-all of life, don’t make your kids feel it is either. Yes, it is important, but in due time and with the right person.

"If it is right, it happens - The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away"

-John Steinbeck on love (in a letter to his son)

Another side note, also concerning parents (sort of). So you’re married, you live together as husband and wife, and you have a bit of a squabble (i.e. ‘lovers’ quarrel’). Actually, you have a lot of squabbles (you’re married, it is expected and completely normal). So you resolve these squabbles, or not, it is up to the two of you to deal with such matters. Only the two of you. The worst thing you can do in a marriage is involve your parents (or anyone else for that matter) in your…squabbles. Unless the two of you fail to reach an understanding and both agree to involving a third party, do not run to someone else to fix your problems, especially when your partner is unaware you are doing so. There is no bigger betrayal of trust than this. You took an issue that was between the two of you and ran off to someone else to step in and fight your battles for you. Your other half who was unaware of your sly tactic is suddenly bombarded by someone other than you about what may or may not be a personal matter, regardless it was something that is to be kept between the two of you. With that you could so easily lose their trust in such a way that could be impossible to get back. The damages of doing such a thing could be irreparable. Trust is so closely tied to love, lose it and the love is destined for destruction. It is ludicrous to expect a marriage to survive once the trust is gone. How can you share a bed with someone you don’t trust? Might as well be sleeping with a stranger. 

On the other hand however, if the marriage is a destructive or God forbid an abusive one, then make haste and run to someone who can get you out! Yes, maintaining that trust between husband and wife is important but somehow that idea has been twisted. Those with abusive partners feel too scared to betray that trust, and nothing in a mutual relationship such as this should be done out of fear. What I'm saying here is that as important as it is to keep certain marital issues private between the two of you, it ain't that important!

In the end, I have come to the conclusion that an emotional connection is vital for any marriage (an apparent one I know, but I found it’s not always the case). If you love the person you are with, if you are open and honest, playing the other half will come easily to you and won’t feel like a chore. If you find that common ground where you are emotionally linked, find that level of comfort which suits you both, you are more likely to connect on other levels too. It would make marriage more effortless; you’re no longer making sacrifices, going out of your way to please the other simply for the sake of the marriage, it would be out of love and therefore you would be happy to do it.

After all, 'love lifts as up where we belong!' (so much for realistic expectations). 

Love and Marriage (Part 2 of 3)

Amr is from an affluent family of good pedigree. He has just graduated, secured a good job, and is looking to marry. His mother runs in the same circles as Sarah’s mother, and she has seen Sarah around in various events. Amr’s mother liked what she saw. She asked around about the potential bride and also liked what she heard, as did Amr. His family approached hers, and proceedings went on. What they didn’t know was Sarah’s heart wasn’t in it. When she was hesitant about Amr, her parents could not understand why, and she couldn’t very well tell them. Without a valid reason, they saw no reason to refuse this suitor who in their eyes was a ‘catch’. Sarah was eventually coerced into this marriage - more or less. They began to get to know each other and her feelings had not changed. Simply put, they were not compatible. Amr sensed she was distant at first, but he assumed she was holding back and playing the blushing bride. Not seeing this as sufficient grounds to call the whole thing off, the pair continued with this charade, and eventually were wed. The honeymoon was far from romantic, almost robotic. The two of them were civil to each other, neither was cruel or harsh but there was no love. Things were done out of obligation, till that is precisely what their marriage became; an obligation. Their lives were lived somewhat separately, they merely shared a home. Never did one wrong the other, they both fulfilled their marital duties, but they didn’t love each other, there was no connection, there never was.

Those who are a bit old-fashioned would like to believe there is nothing wrong with that, or that love would eventually grow. I beg to differ. A connection would exist over time, it could be respect or perhaps admiration, but it won’t be love. If that does happen, it is very very rare. Is it fair for this young couple to settle for such a marriage and never experience sharing their lives with someone they love?

Without that kind of bond, how would it be like for their children? They would grow up in a household that lacks love. Their parents will love them surely but not as much as they could. Part of the reason why parents love their children so much is because they are a culmination of their love for each other; each parent would see a part of themselves as well as a part of the person they love, and hence love their children twofold.

Also, marriage that lacks love puts the couple in a dangerous situation where they might search for it elsewhere. Let’s not be presumptuous, let’s say they found love elsewhere later on in their marriage, would this not pose a threat to the stable, civil life they have built together? In such situations, some people may be decent enough to sacrifice their happiness along with that love for the sake of being decent and doing ‘the right thing’. Even that slim minority might not be strong enough to avoid resenting their marriage as well as their morale for such a fate and feel forced to keeping up appearances. Dare I say, it might reap some hate within that resentment? What super-human marriage could survive that?

However the reality of the situation is what the vast majority would do, divorce and/or remarry. I do not condone polygamy nowadays, but with similar scenarios, when you look at the big picture, I can’t help but think he is being half-way decent for not kicking his first wife to the curb. It is such scenarios that bring to light the issues with traditionally arranged marriages. I’d love to blame the parents for being pushy but it’s not all their fault, those actually doing the marrying should know to put their foot down and say “sorry, I don’t see myself with you”. With arranged marriages, there should be no beating around the bush, there's not much time for that. It may be rosy and romantic at first but eventually the couple must be open and honest to see if they have a future together. A lot of the problems with arranged marriages is that more often than not, the couple is too immature to address the relevant issues and see it as a teenage dream they are finally allowed to live. They dedicate love songs to each other and call each other morning, noon and night. They are on cloud nine. Until they are put under one roof and the love turns into war.

  

Bottom line, love is a very important component in a marriage, but love comes in so many shapes and sizes. Perhaps one might envision a certain kind of love in their heads, tread the world with high expectations in search of that envisioned love and never find it. Some people want it so bad they may start to hallucinate loving someone when they are too excited to be honest with themselves and realize there is no love. Don’t anticipate how you’d feel; when you find it you will know. Also don’t go hunting for it or forcing it out, it will come to you in due time. I am a strong believer in that. 

One love :) 

Love and Marriage (Part 1 of 3)

'....Go together like a horse and carriage. This I tell you brother, you can't have one without the other'. Couldn't have said it better myself Mr. Sinatra!

And now, onto pillar number one: Emotional.

This is a pretty obvious one. Love. No marriage without love. Now I’m not talking about the blind, Cinderella, Romeo and Juliet, fairy tale type love. Let’s set the record straight from the get go and point out that it doesn’t exist, at least not in my books. This is the real world people, welcome!

More often than not, infatuation or even lust is mistaken for love. When you’re young, it’s easy to confuse either of them for love, but it doesn’t even compare. Infatuation, lust, or even mere fascination are fleeting emotions, they rarely ever stick and in no way provide any stable foundation for a relationship. We need to be honest with ourselves in order to tell the difference and accept it. It’s definitely not an easy thing to do, I suppose it takes a lot of strength, time, and a good deal of self awareness.

I’m talking about having that unique emotional connection with your significant other. It is worth mentioning that with that unique connection comes a myriad of emotions in addition to love. There is compassion, tenderness, caring, respect, affection, trust, understanding and even passion. Granted not all of them could be labeled as ‘emotions’, but you get my drift. There must be a mutual emotional connection between husband and wife. I would love to dwell on it further and start describing that beautiful, special connection (not really), but that connection differs from person to person – it’s unique to every couple. As long as it is there among the two people involved, in whatever form they are comfortable having it in. And just as a marriage is not likely to survive without it, a marriage cannot be built on it alone.

Layla and Majed are now married. They knew each other prior to marriage. They were Arabia’s own Romeo and Juliet; star-crossed lovers. When they were younger they dated for a while, still seen as a taboo among many yet most of our youth still pursue it whether their respective families approve or not. Before getting married it was simple, they loved each other, enjoyed each other’s company and wanted to marry, simple as. Initially their families disapproved for, let’s say, tribal reasons (to really Arab-ise Romeo and Juliet). This is all too common in our culture, refusing marriage based on the family name or status of either or both parties. However some couples ‘fight for their love’ and eventually the families, worried their kids will never get the chance to marry after this, give in. Our star-crossed lovers are elated. So first came love, now comes marriage. Throughout the long and grueling process of wedding preparations, the two neglected to actually address certain issues they might face as a couple, assuming with their relationship before all this, they knew each other well enough. A few issues sprung up here and there such as the type of wedding they would have (Layla’s family being quite conservative, they wanted a small segregated wedding whereas Majed’s liberal family wanted one that would rival Hollywood celebrities). Regardless, the show must go on and these issues have been resolved for the time being. Finally married, with a few hiccups here and there, the couple came back from the honeymoon and now they live under one roof. A month into the marriage, they can’t stand each other. Layla wants to stay home with her husband and cuddle when all he’s been doing is going out with his friends. During major family events on Majed’s side, Layla is taken aback at how his family socializes and resists going every chance she gets. Consequently, Majed’s family dislikes Layla for being such a prude. Likewise, Layla’s family dislikes Majed for corrupting their child and exposing her to something they have tried to shield her from all her life. Neither one of them thought or expected that living together would ultimately change the dynamics of the relationship. They had different versions of ‘happily ever after’. Slowly but surely, they begin to drift apart. The emotional connection they chose to build their future on began to weaken as time went by.

Now I’m not saying that with these precise set of circumstances, that’s how the marriage will end up. Nor am I limiting this topic to those set of circumstances. This is merely to draw a picture of a possible scenario that is all too familiar to me, and to merely point out how love isn’t always enough. As idealistic as one would like to be, a marriage is not likely to survive on love alone. Love is such a powerful emotion, sometimes uplifting and sometimes destructive. So it is important that when one finds love, to handle it with care and respect but also one must take care not to be blinded by it. When all you have is love with everything around you trying to destroy it, you could begin to resent that love and it could grow into hate. I am a believer that the feeling of hate evolves out of love somehow. When you truly dislike someone, you shouldn’t waste your feelings on such a strong emotion as hate unless it stems from love. If you see someone hurting the people you love, or someone you love has hurt you, you feel hatred.  You never truly hate someone because you find them annoying or unappealing. Therefore one must truly be careful with love, to not fall victim to, or be a hostage of love.

That said, with these exact same set of circumstances, things could go brilliantly because in the end, it is all down to how each party chooses to approach the situation they are in and how they choose to deal with it. It all boils down to how they agree to compromise between themselves to salvage that love and make that emotional connection stronger. All it takes is a little bit of foresight with that love, and a whole lot of compromise on both ends, and the love could very well survive if not flourish. If the couple managed to resist their families' influence on the decision of marriage, they should be ok to resist their influence on how the marriage should be, it ultimately remains between them. So to those of you who are super-conservative and believe no marriage can work following a non-marital relationship, that’s not necessarily true, and that is in no way what I’m getting at here. To prove it, let’s look at the flipside of that scenario….next week J