Listen...

It's not as easy as it appears...listening. You may be hearing something but listening actually requires you to process what you hear a little further. The wonders of listening are endless, but people seem to be doing it less and less. They may hear what you're saying, they may even sense your tone, but they could just pick up a word you said and just run with it hoping to God they have not exposed themselves to be far away from the conversation. Miscommunication from poor listening or lack thereof give rise to many issues most of which are trivial. Have you ever witnessed a conversation (more like an argument) where both parties are saying so much but it seems neither one actually heard what the other said? Instead, each party is more concerned with expelling what it is THEY want to say with complete disregard to what the other is saying.

Maybe the digital age is to blame. Have we gotten so used to reading and re-reading text at our 'earliest' convenience to reply only to confirm that we read? Only to take our time to calculate what to say; type, delete, type, erase, type, edit, type, send. When read off a screen, what is being typed in is sometimes not understood the same way when read out. Written and telephonic methods of communication are a blessing sometimes, but they certainly cannot compare to or do the job of face-to-face contact. That is also another cause of miscommunication in my opinion. But I digress.

There are various ways to categorize the different kinds of listening, but the following is more relevant and also sums it up quite nicely. The categories are as follows:

1. Inactive listening: That's when you hear noise but your mind is elsewhere.
2. Selective listening: You choose what you want to hear and run with it like an idiot.
3. Active listening: When the noise is actually processed as words and you are aware of what those words mean.
4. Reflective listening: This is listening while you engage with what is being said. This is like advanced level stuff, not a lot of people seem to be capable of doing it.

I know it seems a bit much to be fully aware and ready to really 'listen' at a moment's notice. You're brain is sometimes preoccupied making it difficult to focus when it is time to. And sometimes you really don't need to be listening intently. Other times, listening is so valuable.

I don't know about guys in this respect, but girls sometimes feel the need to talk and have someone actively listen.

Just listen.

We don't want an opinion,. We don't want a solution. We certainly don't want criticism. We just want to unload the matter off our chest. In some situations we may want your opinion or help, but you will know when that is. Just because you don't need to really have any input, doesn't mean you don't need to listen. On the contrary, it is vital that you listen intently! It's a sign of intimacy, and not necessarily in a romantic way. This could be our version of a cry for help I suppose. Or maybe this is something we are telling you because we want you to know. We feel comfortable and close enough to you to just let you in our heads for a brief time - guard down and completely vulnerable - as we regurgitate our thoughts and emotions that we have been struggling to suppress. So when we are in such a fragile state and you can't be bothered to pay attention long enough for that, forgive us for being upset, but I believe in such cases we have every right to be.

This applies to every possible form of human relationship, certainly the close ones at least. Just being there for someone to simply listen is a testament of how the person before you loves and cares for you. Allowing someone to just talk while you just listen with very little input on your part may not seem like much, but showing someone you care to hear what they have been thinking/feeling is.

Bad listeners: those who simply like to hear themselves talk, or are arrogant enough - even rude enough - to belittle what's being said, always cutting in to say what THEY think of the matter, ignoring how others may feel. Those who always have an answer for everything, and it's usually the wrong one. Those who always somehow turn the whole ship around and have the audacity to make it about themselves. Yeah, those assholes..not the best listeners. That could be because they simply don't care, or they are in desperate need of a listener themselves but are probably too proud to admit it or allow it.

It does require a little sensitivity to recognize when someone needs you to be there for them to listen. But it really does allow you to get closer and closer to a person; to understand them better and consequently show them that you deserve their trust. You'll slowly be able to read beyond what is being said to what is being  thought and even felt. If you are with someone you cannot be bothered to do such a thing for, you are with the wrong person. You should not be with someone if you have to censor your thoughts and feelings with them either, calculating everything that's being said.

Some people have it the wrong way, though. They are always on alert and firmly believe that whatever words you use to form whatever sentences you make is not what you mean, when that's exactly what it boils down to. You know them, they over-analyze and insist there's something 'up' when there's absolutely nothing up or down. That's taking it a bit to far, me thinks. Then you have some people who just fail to properly communicate what they think and have the worst choice of words. Put those two together and the relationship just might work out, or be one disastrous miscommunication after the other.

Don't underestimate the simple power of listening, but don't push it Freud...

Every Arab Man is Sultan of his Harem

I made sure to post a little something about women (previous post) before putting this up as to avoid being seen as biased/feminist/sexist/etc. Don't flatter yourselves; men, women, all y'all crazy.

And as you probably can guess from the title...Yeah, I have been unashamedly watching one too many Turkish soaps....

But there is no denying that idea kind of stuck with us over time; every man is king of his castle. In a world where "democracy" is reigned supreme, you'd think maybe we can start at home, no? What was once a position of great duty, honor and respect, is now a position some abuse in the most horrific ways. Our culture, along with the Islamic religion, has given the man great responsibilities towards his household. That somehow has led some men to believe they have power rather than a duty to fulfill, and they brutally abuse that power. Possibly one of my least favorite examples of this is polygamy; something Islam has permitted with the condition of equality, as a solution to a societal problem, has instead been used in most cases as a man's right to indulge in multiple partners in a way destructive to once stable homes.

It is this very thinking that makes the Arab man believe that he should only hold certain prestigious jobs and positions. Just like on Kuwaiti soaps where nearly every male character has a company or sharikah and every son works for his dad and eventually takes over. It is also this very thinking that makes the Arab man feel he is invincible, he is above the law. Hence the cutting of legal corners at nearly every corner. And let us not forget the fantastic traffic on our Middle Eastern roads where everyone drives by their own rules and 3 lanes magically become 7, and people feel they are in the right to do so! It is that diseased mind that believes the Arab man is supreme, it is this very thinking that makes the Arab man treat his wife and even other women in his life like some sort of possession to the point of insult and abuse, believing wholeheartedly he has the right to do so. And in some places where there is no law to protect women in these cases from such power-hungry and hugely insecure thugs, the women are left defenseless. But I digress.

I feel as women the world over progressed to assert their position in the world, some men didn't get the memo, and are still bewildered at the changes occurring in what was once the natural order. The whole archaic notion of me-man-me-go-hunting/you-woman-you-cook-meat just does not want to go away (trying to convey the cave man voice through text, message received?). Although I know some women like it that way, especially some Arab women with men who go hunting and 'the help' cooking the meat. But that notion extends far beyond household duties. It's that the man makes all the decisions, the man is always right. It is that possessiveness where a woman loses her identity because she is now under his roof, therefore she must follow his rules, completely disregarding the fact that she is a grown-ass woman (pardon my French). Granted, some women do not behave like adults and are in constant need of authority throughout their lives, but that's only because she's never been given a chance. Forgive me, but a woman having to ask her husband for permission to, let's say, go to the mall...quoi? It's like a college student asking his professor to go to the restroom in the middle of a lecture; that stopped the minute you graduated high school kid, you don't need to raise your hand to ask permission to relieve yourself. Sometimes I think to myself: are we really still making this an issue? I mean really? Expecting her to ask permission, demanding she dress/behave a certain way, telling her what she can and can't do is all robbing her of her identity and any voice she ever or probably never had. And get this, for this reason some men prefer to marry (real) young girls to continue on where the father left off and raise her into the wife he wants her to be.....

*Mind explodes*

So I say this to you, pompous Arab man: get over yourself. Who do you think you are? You ain't no Sultan of no Harem.

The Arab man - in my eyes - is somewhat massively confused. If not confused, then perhaps conflicted? As open-minded as some men start out, once they are knee-deep in the pool of the stereotypical Arab, they feel the need to conform. They don't realize they can just get out of the pool! What gets me is at some point in their lives they had a sound mind, sound logic and sound judgement. Then somehow they do a 180 and become the stereotypical Arab they once despised. I find that they, more than women, conform to what society expects of them and are sometimes crushed by the pressure of that expectation. Hence some men marry only to meet that expectation knowing their hearts are not in it. That could sentence them to a lifetime of discontent or lead them to a downright nasty divorce. Worst part is he plays the victim and punishes the wrong person. And what with the poor girl you feel you 'settled' for? It's just not fair on her or even you to go into marriage for such reasons. But so long as you did, do right by her at least.

There is a certain species of Arab men that have been said to be somewhat robotic; lacking in any emotion, programmed to clock in and clock out, covering all the basics out of obligation rather than out of love. I've observed a few men of this species, and I can't help but feel sorry for them. I am wholeheartedly convinced that those who are seen as robotic and heartless, are those who have suffered deep, severe sorrow and heartache most. It's almost as if they reached a point in their lives where they sacrificed who they are, what they want in life, their dreams and aspirations because they felt compelled or obligated to do so. They grow up to be bitter and cold as they carry out their obligations to the fullest, but those closest to them are the ones who pay the price. He's a prisoner in his own life, and he imprisons the one sleeping next to him along with him.

To conclude, I wanted to share a story I heard about this Egyptian woman who killed her husband, chopped him up into little pieces and slowly fed it to the dogs (she actually researched how to do it through the internet). When I did a quick Google search I was surprised to find more than one story along those lines, each more heinous than the other. I can't help but think maybe, just maybe, the husband actually deserved it. I mean, it may not be the humane thing to say, and surely I don't like the idea of a man dying at the hands of his own wife, or anyone else for that matter. But it takes a lot of pent up anger, humiliation, desperation, helplessness and psychological damage to drive someone to do such a thing to their own spouse. Something to think about I suppose.

Behind Every Happy Peacock is a Clever Peahen

There is a growing trend giving rise to brazen, impertinent women in the Middle East, myself included. Who can blame us though? We've been pushed around long enough! But admittedly, some women do take it a bit too far (I am no exception). Since childhood, even as good little school girls we have been led to believe we should stick to what we're good at and what we know, being confined to a certain role (read: The Trouble with Bright Girls). Frankly, I imagine we are getting quite sick of it. But perhaps the years of oppression has led to an unruly backlash sometimes targeted towards the wrong people.

Ladies. Ladies, ladies, ladies! Stand up, but ease up. Don’t allow others to step all over you, but don’t go and do the stepping yourself. If only you knew the innate power of your femininity. There is no shame in being emotional. There is no shame in being considerate of others. There is no shame in being giving. Own it! It is what makes you superior to man.

Acting like a man will never get you a man. Being the dominant one in the relationship is insanely emasculating and insulting to a man and he may never recover from you doing so. He may even resist entirely and punish you eternally for it just to ‘put you in your place’. Don’t be a total pushover but don't let it get to that either. Let him wear the pants but be the one who puts the pants on for him instead (slightly disturbing sight, hopefully the point has been made). The way I see it, let the man be the man. A man likes to know he is needed and appreciated. Let him feel like he is in control for the most part. Fluff up their egos from time to time; let the peacocks display their feathers and give them the awe they are looking for. Show him you are impressed by the display and have chosen him as your peacock. 

Similarly, don’t act like a child and pour all over him, either. It may be cute for a while, but no man can put up with a grown woman who is constantly immature. With the immaturity comes the irresponsibility, mild cases of stupidity and various forms of juvenile behavior. To me, this is a clear sign that the decision to be in a relationship is a bit premature. If you lose yourself in him, you will struggle to find her again at the first sign of his absence.

“My persuasion can build a nation” – “Who Run The World”, Beyonce

That line simply resonates with truth. Initially, I thought the song was irritating and unnecessarily aggressive, but the older I got, the more of life I experienced, the more I understood the source of that apropos aggression. Women tend to focus so much on how they are oppressed and what to do in order to combat that oppression. However it is my humble opinion that this battle began because women simply forgot how to be women. A clever woman can always get her way, without having to appear weak or be a total bitch. We just need to realize what we are instinctively capable of and pick our battles. Not everything is worth putting up a fight, direct your energies where it would have maximum impact.

Since I was a young girl, I have always been fascinated by Cleopatra. Although her wit and charm did get her in a world of trouble which led her to tragically end her own life, you have to admire her ability to get not one, but two of the most powerful men of the Roman Empire at the time to do her bidding and protect her own kingdom. Some would attribute this to the power of seduction i.e. it was purely physical and emotional manipulation that got world leaders wrapped around her finger. However there has been skepticism towards her actual appearance. Simply put, there’s a chance she wasn’t that pretty. Regardless, surely she couldn’t have achieved what she did with her beauty alone. Her character, charisma, charm and wit are what others believe to be how she managed to influence both Marc Anthony and Julius Caesar before him. However many fail to mention the intelligence of Cleopatra; that she spoke 9 languages and was a brilliant mathematician (a trait she shared with Caesar, not so much Anthony). What it really was about her that made her story legendary, we may never really know. More importantly is how she managed to keep her kingdom afloat through these two men, which makes her all the more intriguing to me.

It is that innate capability that we women have that I believe Cleopatra took full advantage of (perhaps even abused?). There is no denying the greatly underestimated strength of a woman. Sadly, women are the ones who have difficulty recognizing that. Greatness is not something a woman can achieve by acting like a man (we were created differently for a reason!). It is in realizing your own inherent strength that comes with being a woman and knowing how to utilize it. I am not referring to physical assets and sexual seduction - although there is plenty of room for that in a marriage - it’s more about knowing how to deal with the man before you. It’s about knowing how to read him; when he needs your attention, when he needs space, when he needs compassion, even when he needs food. Knowing how to deal with him when he’s in a mood or knowing what ticks him off are all things that should be kept in a mental bank and referred to regularly and perhaps even used to your advantage. Open your eyes, pay attention, use your mind and you will know the secrets to making him happy and it will return to you ten-fold.

This isn’t to say that there is one successful formula in how to treat a man – every man is different – nor is it 100 % successful (more of a hit and miss) but the approach I guess is similar. Don’t ignore him, but don’t pour all over him either. Don’t be a slave to his every whim, yet don’t neglect him altogether. Just be aware of him and his needs. A lot of women take the petty road and turn to manipulation and mind games. This could be a quick fix, but it could very well backfire somewhere down the line. Also, it's fucking exhausting and borderline frustrating.

“As I said, though, a woman has a wonderful influence over a man’s whole life. If I had a chance to change the great social fabric any, though, I should ask woman to be more thoughtful of her husband, and, if possible, less severe. I would say to woman, be a man. Rise above these petty little tyrannical ways. Instead of asking your husband what he does with every cent you give him, learn to trust him. Teach him that you have confidence in him. Make him think you have anyway, whether you have or not. Do not seek to get a whiff of his breath every ten minutes to see whether he has been drinking or not. If you keep doing that you will sock him into a drunkard’s grave, sure pop….. So I say to you that woman, in one way or another, either by strategy and winnin’ ways or by main strength and awkwardness, is absolutely sure to wield an all-fired influence over poor, weak man, and while grass grows and water runs, pardner, you will always find her presiding over man’s destinies and his ducats.” 

– Woman’s Wonderful Influence, an excerpt from the book Remarks by Bill Nye

Women have an immense capacity to love and care for others yet I feel the modern woman holds that particular instinct back as to not appear weak or fragile. There really is a way to have your cake and eat it too. You can be a badass Miss Independent also capable of some affection and compassion. Embrace the qualities that make you who you are, and be sure he sees those qualities and loves you for who you are.

Never. Settle.

Holstee Manifesto

Read about the inspirational story and team behind this manifesto here

This sort of tenacity and lust for life is what fuels my views towards self-love. But it also re-enforces my belief in the power of perspective. Sometimes we may get stuck in the cyclic daily patterns of modern life that we forget to pause and reflect. We reach a state of mysterious unhappiness amidst this repetative cycle because we forget to click refresh, recharge our batteries, stop and smell the roses, or whatever other idiom there is to just stop, inhale, exhale. And this is why I feel having regular 'me' time is so valuable. You need to give yourself a chance to just breathe for starters, and also to just think. It is in these times that you allow yourself to fully reflect on you, your life, what is happening in and around you.

A huge advantage is being able to finally realize what a little change in perspective could do to make life easier for you. When you allow yourself to stop and think of why you keep losing your keys, for example, you are able to find the root of the problem and better address it rather than getting more and more frustrated with yourself every time you lose your keys. You may even begin to realize how your constant frustration over losing your keys could have some sort of ripple effect throughout the rest of your day. So imagine how a little tweak in attitude could ultimately improve how your day goes.

The real value here, is when you adjust your perspective when it comes to your relationships with the people around you. You are having difficulty with someone at work; what is the common theme if there is any? Is it something only you are dealing with? Is it harmful or harmless? Could their troubles at home possibly be affecting their behavior and conduct? Maybe their behavior stems from fear, insecurity or just downright immaturity. And the list goes on. I don't see this as digging for excuses, to me this is the search for empathy. All it takes is a little empathy to adjust your perspective which will then allow you to face the problem head on, or at least be able to put up with it to a reasonable extent. It is in such adjustments that you start to begin to understand more about human behaviors that surround you, and you are more able to empathize rather than frustrate yourself time and time again. It is in this compassion and consideration that ultimately grants you just that much more peace of mind (like I said, no such thing as a selfless good deed, but no harm in being a little selfish here!).

You are better able to deal with people around you the more people you meet. Your ability to empathize grows and as does your patience. It may require some discipline, yes, but to me it is well worth it. Things start to make so much sense once you begin to understand. This doesn't necessarily solve all your problems but it helps lessen the load. When you have dedicated time to actually think about a certain matter long enough you are better able to make an informed decision on how to proceed, or at least it gets you just that much closer to doing so. Don't bury your problems in the back of your mind, unload them regularly at your own pace instead of drowning in them until the day comes when you just explode without warning.

Therefore you should always seek to understand, not judge. Seek to make friends, not enemies.Seek to build bridges, not break them. Realize the power of empathy and the value of human understanding. You are not always the victim, sometimes you're just caught in the crossfire. Learn to just forgive rather than hold grudges. That will do so much more than reacting - or rather overreacting - without thinking.

I know this is terribly mainstream of me, but I adore this song! It never fails to make me smile, even the video. Good night my beautiful people <3 

Let's Talk (Part 3 of 3)

A mental connection between two people has a lot to do with understanding one another. It is not only a case of understanding what one says, but also being able to read their actions and read beyond the mere words spoken. One of the greatest obstacles known to humankind is the battle of the genders. To this day, men and women struggle to understand each other. That is in part due to the fact that men and women are wired differently and they simply refuse to accept that fact. Allow me to refer back to Mark Gungor here with one of my personal favorites (quite lengthy but well worth it!):

I do hate to generalize like this but safe to say, two brains of any gender rarely work the same way anyway. After coming to terms with the simple fact that our brains don’t all function the same way, you’re still not completely out of the dark. Understanding how the opposite sex thinks is one thing, understanding how the person before you thinks is what really matters here. Knowing how they think, what they like/dislike is a huge part of the relationship in my eyes. It shows that you know who they are…as they are. It shows that you made the effort to know what matters to them. It does say a lot because it truly does require effort to pick up on certain things that could be quite subtle.

Let me give two examples to illustrate how this could translate into a relationship. This time I won’t tell you a story, I’m gonna give you a rare first-hand experience here!

The first example is about one simple word. I have my own theory about the world’s biggest lie; the word ‘fine’. I believe no one has ever told the truth when using that word. I don’t mean the ‘damn she fine’ kind of context (I guess fine art doesn’t apply here either, although that could be debatable). I suppose I can safely say it is every other context.

‘How are you, how are your exams going?’……….’Fine’……….LIE

‘Sweetie, you’re sobbing hysterically, are you okay?’……….’I’m fi-i-i-ine’……….LIE

‘We haven't got Pepsi, is Coke ok?’……….’No, it’s ok, Coke is fine’……….LIE

‘We’re not going to be here for your birthday’……….’Yeah that’s fine’……….LIE

‘Sir you just fell and landed face first onto the concrete, are you okay?!’……….’Yeah, ignore the blood, I’m fine’……….LIE!!!

I know these are all petty examples, but honestly look back at all the times you or anyone else has used that word……….do you see it yet? Regardless, to me personally, the word is a lie. So if someone asks me how I’m doing and I reply with ‘fine’ although I’m the furthest thing from it, I am lying. And vice versa, if someone is clearly not fine and they are trying to convince me that they are, I don’t buy it! This is something I’ve only recently noticed I believe in so strongly (and have been avoiding the use of the word as to not blow my own cover!). I’ve always reacted that way to the word or treated it as a lie but I never actually realized that was my automatic response to it every time. When someone actually did pick up on my ‘Fine is a Lie’ theory and for the first time defined it for me, I was actually quite flattered that this person had noticed it. Not only that, this person knew I was not fine at all when I said I was, and was able to be there for me even when my pride wouldn’t allow me to ask (this theory is supposedly an effect of my alleged pride issues, supposedly). That’s what it means to know and understand a person, to be able to reveal the complex layers we hide ourselves in and go beyond just talking.

Another example is ketchup. I hate ketchup. In fact, I think I have a phobia of ketchup. I hate the smell, the texture, the taste, the sound, the movement, how the bottle always has nasty dried up chunks on the rims or in the cover, how it either plops out onto a plate or how it gets squeezed out. If someone asks me to pass the ketchup and I do, I refuse to believe that there has ever been more self control exercised than at that moment. Anyway, I suppose you get the picture. Now I do not doubt that my father loves me, but I am in my 20s, and yes my palette has matured as I’ve grown but the one thing that has never changed is my strong dislike of ketchup. Every time we have any sort of ketchup-friendly meal, he passes me the ketchup bottle or asks to put it on my plate. He sometimes gets me food with ketchup, completely forgetting how the thought of it makes me gag. I have to say, I know he’s my dad but it does hurt a little that my own father doesn’t know or bother to keep tabs on my ketchuphobia. He’s my father so it’s slightly different than in any other case.

This may sound silly but assuming he wasn't my father, yes these details do count in a relationship. If the person you share your life with can't seem to remember that you take your coffee with no sugar after having coffee together on a daily basis for at least a good few years, it can get a little frustrating, insulting even. Knowing how your partner likes their tea, knowing their preference of music, knowing the particular kind of books they like to read if they like to read at all! These things are pretty obvious sometimes so what matters are the not-so-obvious details. Knowing what to do when they are down, knowing how to put a smile on their face, knowing what annoys/upsets them and NOT doing it are vital to make the relationship stronger. Even when they have done or said something to hurt you, knowing when it was said out of anger or when they decide to take their anger out on you and forgiving them for it is huge. These mistakes happen with many people in many situations, not just marriage. We do tend to hurt those closest to us, and it is because we hope they know us well enough to understand where it came from and forgive us for it (this doesn't mean you should allow yourself to abuse those close to you, you won't always be forgiven).

Some marriages in our region happen so quickly that couples don't feel the need to win each other over with such efforts, and once married the goal is supposedly achieved. Men would like to think these things matter to women more than they do men. Nu-uh! It may seem so because women are usually the ones that pay attention to these things so they bake the cake you like or get you tickets to see your favorite team play in whatever sport. They do this expecting the same in return only to be disappointed that he’s so preoccupied with the game tickets to realize they were an anniversary gift. And you would be surprised how simple it is to please a girl in this respect, especially when most of the time all you need to do is just be there for her and God forbid actually listen to what she says. Yes, these things matter. The tiniest effort could make a world of difference! 

I tried to avoid this but I simply couldn't resist, another Mark Gungor video humorously explaining how couples 'keep score' on such things.  It's more or less and extension of the first video, but it shows how just paying a little attention and the simplest gestures every once in a while could help even out the playing field....Enjoy!

Let's Talk (Part 2 of 3)

So we've established that it just might be useful to be able to converse with your partner, but that's not all.

Having that mental connection also does mean you do share similar views on the world, or shall I say values. I wouldn’t say it was a must if you don’t exactly see eye-to-eye on certain things, but it does make things a hell of a lot easier. For example let's say one of you thinks it's OK to steal apples from your neighbor's apple tree while the other strongly believes that all forms of stealing - without exception - is wrong, you can't expect there to be much mutual respect there. You very well could lay in bed at night wondering how you can possibly share a bed with someone so dishonest/ridiculous. Such values are very important when raising children. Without children, the marriage just might survive if the love is strong enough. However, when children come into play, they will be massively conflicted. These are things that need to be addressed before 'I do'. Where do each of you stand within the school of life? What are the values you share and believe in strongly which you both would like to instill in your children?

If you differ on beliefs, morals or ethics, it could very well be problematic. This does have a lot to do with faith, and let’s face it, not all people of the same faith are equally faithful, and obviously those of different faiths altogether are a whole other ball game. I’m in no way suggesting people who marry must be of the same faith, same sect and share the exact same beliefs. As long as wherever it is they both stand in that matter, their stance does not clash or contradict each other majorly (I'm trying to get a delicate message across here without being too direct, but I feel like I'm only complicating it further). I don’t want to dwell on it too much because this could get slightly controversial. However it does shock me how some people do neglect this point. Here's an example of when couples may clash on such issues and how it could affect them:
 

Deena is a prime example of what I like to call a ‘neo-Muslim’, somewhere between liberal and conservative, although she would never admit there is anything conservative about her. Nawaf is a Muslim by descent, and by that I mean a cultural Muslim who inherited the title, not much else. He drinks, smokes, and does not pray, unlike Deena. But being the neo-Muslim she is, she decided to be more liberal and not let that affect her decision to marry him. It wasn’t really much of a problem at first, she always thought he was going through a phase and felt she could influence him slightly. But the years passed and Nawaf remained the same, very much set in his ways, whereas Deena’s faith grew stronger. She would pray for his 'salvation' every day. 


The couple had a child, Rayan. As the mother, Deena felt she had the chance to influence her son more. Nawaf couldn’t care less, he was merely there to ensure his son became a man and that included a lot of distant tough love. As Rayan got older, Deena would encourage him to pray. His dad wouldn’t take him to Friday prayers at the mosque and she ashamedly asked her brother to take him every week. She was adamant not to let Rayan turn into his father. It was hard enough to see the man she loved so conflicting with her own beliefs, to see her son that way would be too painful to think about. Alas, the older Rayan grew, the more inquisitive he became; how come the rules don’t seem to be applying to his father? 


And with very little effort from his father, Deena’s nightmare slowly began to come true. There doesn’t have to be any direct influence, Nawaf simply being there was influence enough. As the days went by, Deena saw Rayan slip through her fingers, and she resented her husband for it. The guy did nothing, he did not actively influence their son, but Deena spent her days passively punishing him for it. The tension continued to grow, her heart continued to break.

That, that right there made me sad. Religion is a touchy subject, but I tried to get the point across as best I can and hopefully without making any insinuations. I simply tried to explain what each 'character' is feeling from their particular standpoint. It just goes to show how something so basic that doesn’t really affect how you feel about each other could greatly affect your life together. Such a household does not lack love, but someone is still left heartbroken somehow. This goes back to the idea that love isn’t enough to base a marriage on, sad but true. I didn’t mention it much in the previous posts on the emotional aspect because every other aspect will do the explaining for me. Yes love is important, but so is everything else, and I mean everything.

Love is a temporary madness,

it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. 

And when it subsides you have to make a decision. 

You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together 

that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. 

Because this is what love is.

Love is not breathlessness, 

it is not excitement, 

it is not the promulgation of eternal passion.

That is just being "in love" which any fool can do.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, 

and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. 

Those that truly love, have roots that grow towards each other underground, 

and when all the pretty blossom have fallen from their branches, 

they find that they are one tree and not two.

― Louis de Bernières, Captain Corelli's Mandolin

Let's Talk (Part 1 of 3)

Pillar number two: Mental.

This is also a fairly obvious one to me, mental/spiritual connection. You need to be able to talk to your other half. I don’t think that every married couple should be super intelligent and have intellectual debates in their spare time. It just means that you can easily carry out many, many conversations with that person on a daily basis and not get bored. It is simply communication (more on that later).

A friend of mine once explained it to me like this: if you are living with this person, seeing them every day, you work for 8 hours and sleep for 8 hours, that’s 8 hours left over in the company of your partner. I ask you, would it be healthy to never have any kind of conversation in those 8 hours?

You don’t have to have the same interests. People tend to look for common interests in a potential partner when it rarely has any bearing on compatibility (at least that’s how I see it). It’s less about the what and more about the how. The beauty of marriage is you learn of such things from each other. I do think, however. it is important to have somewhat similar mental capacities. Fear not, just because one is incapable of holding an intelligent conversation, does not mean you are doomed. It just means you are likely to have better luck with someone who is similarly incapable in that department. You can talk about celebrity hairstyles instead or gossip about the latest events and vacation spots to both your hearts’ content. There is someone for everyone in that respect. For every Barbie (or Fulla), there is a Ken (is there a male Fulla?).

Talking to one another has to be easy and effortless. You must feel comfortable to say what you want and actually enjoy the conversations you have, whatever the topic may be. There is also comfort in the silence when in each other’s company, you don’t have to talk all the time. Not everyone likes to spend their evenings talking; not much of a talker, more the silent type. As long as both of you are happy doing so, neither one is feeling deprived of anything and you are comfortable with how it is. But when one person likes to sit and ponder on life’s wonders (or even worse, talk about ‘feelings’), and the other likes to just watch the news and randomly comment to a one-person audience, there could be a problem. If one person wants to be challenged mentally while the other is mentally challenged, there could be a problem. How can a marriage last under such circumstances? Day in and day out, such a simple thing could become a burden or just downright annoying, and it could ultimately put a huge strain on the relationship. It is important that whatever level you are at mentally, your other half is hovering nearby.

Also, it’s not just what you talk about, it’s how you talk. Some couples prefer to keep things simple and are quite laidback, while others demand an air of respect when spoken to by their partners. Bottom line, whatever floats your boat, as long as both of you are in it. It should all come easily, shouldn’t feel forced.

Another concern is not just to feel comfortable, but to feel safe too, as  Mark Grungor (of ‘Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage’) explains in the following video: 

I found that some people, particularly those with older siblings, have grown up hiding what they think for fear of being ridiculed. Perhaps some people grew up in an environment where they felt they were never heard, or whenever they did speak, they would immediately get shut down. I find this more common with men than women (women rarely have trouble talking, they never need more than a nudge). For this reason, sometimes you need to make the extra effort to cut back on the ridicule and teasing to allow your other half to feel safe when talking to you. Try not to be condescending or insulting either. They wouldn’t feel the need to hold back on anything. No matter how fun and light-hearted your relationship may seem, know that there are boundaries. Sometimes all you are required to do is listen, you don't always have to nag your way in. Let them know the door is open and they will come to you when they are good and ready.