Live and Let Live

Before I get into the heart of the matter, I wanted to share what I feel is a very powerful video displaying the realities we face today, and in some way could prepare your mind for the topic at hand. It helps you step back and look at the bigger picture to fully comprehend what is going on around you. Sometimes we are trapped in a bubble for so long, we need to step out and look at the bubble from the outside to better understand what is going on around us, and what choice(s) we have in the matter.

No one can control everything around them, least of all the people around them. The only thing you are in control of is yourself. How you behave, sometimes how you think, very rarely can you control how you feel. Regardless, you can never manipulate those around you into saying and thinking what you want them to about you. Despite your best efforts, there will always be those who will find some thing or another to nitpick at. So why bother yourself with adjusting your conduct and the way you live your life for the sake of what others 'might' say or think?

It....is.....exhausting!

It is near impossible to lead a pristine, socially-accepted life. Not because we are all bad people, but because there will always be not-so-pristine assholes who are so miserable and unhappy with their lives, so much so that they feel the need to somehow hate on yours. You cannot control that. So why let it get to you? Why force yourself into this little box that society set up for you when there will always be people that will expect you to fit in a tube instead. Why bother?! You form yourself into whatever polygonal shape you please and don't let anyone tell you any different. Doesn't even have to be a polygon, whatever form or anti-form you want!

I really fail to see the point in this charade. All it does is keep you from really living and enjoying life. All you should really be concerned with is your own life, and by extension those who are intrinsically a part of your life. Anyone else; if they like it, hey come on in, otherwise there's the door. There is absolutely no need to concern yourself with such people at all and more importantly allow them to affect you, your life, and your happiness. Don't let anyone rain on your parade, they're only making it rain over in their parade so just take another route.

We all reach a point in our lives where the ideals, values and principles we develop can sometimes clash with that of society or even to those around us from family and friends. When that point comes you are faced with choices; one must decide what kind of man/woman you want to be, how you want to live out your life, how you can sleep at night, how you can be happy with the way you are and the way you would like to be. More importantly, how to do that without isolating yourself from those you may disagree with. The question is...is that possible? I don't know, I hope so. Surely it is better to try that rather than to conform or isolate oneself.

I cannot stress this enough:

Live and let live!

Live. Live life. Live openly, honestly and with conviction. Make your own choices in your life believing wholeheartedly they are the choices you want to make for yourself. Eliminate all the unnecessary buzzing around you and strip it back to the basics; you. What matters to you and only you.

I want to start some sort of campaign all over the world to spread the good word. You get off my case, I'll get off yours, and there you have it. That easy. Best part is, even if they don't get off your case, get off theirs anyway and don't trouble yourself with such pettiness. Brush it off your shoulder. Let it roll off like water off a duck's back. Cuz in the end..

Peace out...

(Un)Conditional Love

I read an interesting piece by Ziad El-Hady - aka my future husband, he just doesn't know it yet - entitled The Essence of Romantic Love is Nothingness. Funnily enough, I agree with everything he had to say, except for his main point; that relationships are built structures with no foundation, under constant and likely threat of de-construction (such a nicer way to say destruction). Maybe I'm being hopeful here, but I'd like to think that is not true.

One point he did make which rung very true is that there is no such thing as unconditional love. If you consider relationships you've been in but ended, relationships you may or may not have been unconditionally in love. Of those you did see yourself as unconditionally in love, surely it wouldn't have ended if it was truly unconditional, right? Let's say it ended because of an indiscretion of some sort, therefore your love is conditional on fidelity. If it ended because one or both parties 'changed', ergo love is conditional on remaining exactly the same as you did when you first entered the relationship. Somehow, you start to see that love actually is - and always was - conditional! To me the idea of unconditional love is exactly what gets people in trouble; people get swept away by the fairy tale idea until they are faced with the reality of it all. They just end up hugely disappointed. Worse still, instead of believing that their idea of this romantic love is indeed a misconception, they simply believe they just haven't found it yet. So they just abort mission and try again instead of genuinely attempting to change their understanding of love and apply it to their already existing structure. Some might even go RomCom and fight for this love believing that it is there, when it is not. If I had to say some form of love was unconditional, to me it would be the love towards parents and immediate family, even if I do feel at times their love for me could be under the condition that I do as they say or expect, but I digress.

Back to the idea of a foundation-less love. The conclusion reached would make sense based on the overall argument, but I can't help but feel something is missing. Perhaps it's the idea that 'romantic' love is not necessarily imperative in a happy, healthy relationship. Maybe it's a different kind of love. And it is upon finding that love you are able to lay down the foundations of a lasting relationship. A love that is not alone. A love that comes with mutual respect, understanding, trust, compassion, joy, empathy, acceptance and even humor. The all-consuming love, the blinding can't-live-without-you love is unstable and inconsistent. The higher the highs, the lower the lows. It is euphoric though, the 'high'. And once you get a taste of it, that's all you want and you want it all the time. So when something comes along to rock your love boat, panic ensues along with questions, doubts and fear of never getting that feeling of euphoria again. I've said it before and I'll say it again....love is a dangerous thing. Yes, it is beautiful, but the power it yields is immense and could feel threatening. Very threatening.

The problem I see is that such unrealistic expectations of this 'romantic' love, along with the list of personal criteria one has for their ideal partner may need a little tweaking. Not to mention the chronic fear of being alone, which by far I find is the biggest obstacle one must face (and many, many don't even bother to). All, I feel, begin from within.

"A man who - as a physical being - is always turned toward the outside, thinking that his happiness lies outside him, finally turns inward and discovers that the source is within him"

- Søren Kierkegaard

Let's address this fear of being alone. A lot of people would never admit to see their relationships for what they really are: a distraction. Oh the amount of relationships I have witnessed and wanted to call bullshit...but didn't because people are sensitive to that sort of thing. I see people somehow find themselves in a relationship with someone, usually after a break-up or a rejection of some sort, or even based on sheer attraction. They try to force it to fit into this mold and endlessly try to manipulate it to make it spell 'happily ever after' but it simply won't. They use the rare, fleeting moments of happiness or 'highs' to justify their attempts, clinging on to the hope that more of this would come. In some cases it just goes terribly wrong and ends for good (might end a couple times before it's officially ended because fear can sometimes make one redundant). Other cases, they manage to spell 'appily e'er after' or something similar and simply make do with what they have, not knowing that over time, the letters will get jumbled up again and you will no longer have the energy or want to make the effort to manipulate it back into place anymore. Admittedly, in some rare cases, with time and effort the letters may eventually start spelling out the correct phrase. That, however, is a hope we all cling on to in such cases, but we need to be able to distinguish where there is hope, and where there is none.

"Nowadays we live in a world which is paradoxical. We pursue happiness and it leads to resentment and it leads to unhappiness. And it leads, in fact, to an explosion of mental illness." 

- Psychiatrist Iain McGilchrist

All this, why? Because being alone or single is seen as a failure, in any culture! If you are single, clearly something is wrong with you. Why doesn't anyone want you? I see it's the other way around though; it's not that no one wants you but you don't want anyone...yet. You have not found yourself ready, you have not yet figured out what it is you want in order for you to finally be able to find someone you want, or even want someone you already found. You have to know what it is you want before you can know whether you want someone or not. That's not easy to do though. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes complete, unhindered, unadulterated and uncensored honesty. You have to face yourself, know yourself, love yourself. Embrace all that is you both good and bad, until the 'flaws' become your perfections. You have to be happy and comfortable in your own skin and mind to reach a state where you don't feel you need to be with someone to avoid loneliness, but rather you want to be with someone to further enrich your life.

"To venture causes anxiety, but not to venture is to lose one's self...and to venture in the highest is precisely to be conscious of one's self"

- Søren Kierkegaard

So I ask that you allow yourself to venture. Find yourself first - personally, physically, professionally - so that along your venture you may cross paths with the person meant to be yours.

Butterfly Effect goes "Sophie's World"

N.B. Sophie's World is a novel by Norwegian author Jostein Gaarder about a young girl's introduction to the world of philosophy. It was either that or The Matrix for the title.

Now that the title has been explained, let's move on...

As I was sitting with 2 others having one of those truly entertaining evenings filled with the right amount of laughter, random conversations and interesting discussions, one of them says “I wish so-and-so was with us”. This of course was said out of love, wishing the presence of another to enjoy the evening with us. However, had this person been with us, would we have had the exact same evening?

Once that thought was up in the air, we went into deep discussion on what that meant, and we have settled on the following:

Each person on this Earth has a certain link or relationship with another person that is unique to that person. What that means is that, for example, if you can say you are friends with two people, your friendship with one person is not identical to your friendship with the other. The dynamic between two people is a two way street, and it is the combination of both ways which ultimately creates the unique relationship between the two of you. This can be felt most when socializing one-on-one. You have the friend who you tell your every thought to, the friend who makes you laugh, the friend with all the gossip, the friend with all the answers, the friend you don’t really know much about but just thoroughly enjoy their company. You could be friends with someone despite obvious differences, but a shared experience or hardship brought you closer. Did you ever meet two people who were so close but surprisingly so different?

You never have the same conversation with two people; even when you’re talking about the same thing, it can never be experienced twice - exactly identical - even with the same person. It is the amalgamation of everything you've ever been exposed to in your life from personalities, backgrounds, experiences to ideals and opinions, etc., along with where you are in your life journey, that make us all who we are as individuals, and more or less define what kind of people (e.g. friends) we will be. And when two beings come in contact, all aspects of you come into play somehow. The dynamic is created by feeding off of what is happening before you and you respond accordingly.Therefore, if you change the person before you to someone with a different combination of life exposure (or lack thereof), the dynamic will alter with it according to how your being interacts with theirs; two-way street. Add a third person, and the dynamic is no longer a two-way street but six, maybe even more. Once you increase the number of players, the setting becomes all the more complex and harder to control because you're adding more variables as well as various combinations of those variables flying back and forth between all those present.

So we have established that no two relationships can be identical. That does not mean that you necessarily love one person more or less than another, you could say you just love them differently. I can say I love both my parents equally more than any other living thing on this planet, but there is no doubting that my relationship with my mother is nothing like my relationship with my father, similarly those relationships are unique to any others.

Okay, so at this point our theory is starting to make sense to us, and the discussion is heating up as we all fight to say what we’re thinking only to find we are all thinking the same thing but saying it differently. It is because of these different dynamics among people that no scenario can occur exactly as it has if one person was missing or even added. As the three of us were sitting, we realized that this discussion has resulted from the combination of dynamics between us, and it would not have played out the same way if there was a fourth person, regardless of who that person was, even if they were just sitting quietly in a corner or in another room altogether. We didn't know if we could attribute it to one’s ‘energy’ or ‘aura’ or if we could say this was some form of the ‘butterfly effect’, we just felt we were onto something here.

Then we pushed it a little further; had we had different seating arrangements, had we been sitting in an entirely different location, had it been slightly colder or warmer, had it been earlier or later, had there been food or had there been a TV playing 90s music videos, would this evening have played out the same way?

For example, had a certain song been playing which lead one of us to tell a story about that song, or perhaps refer us to another song, the conversation would have been steered in an entirely different direction. We might have gone down the YouTube path introducing song after song to each other, or we may have spent it telling similar stories to the one the first song sparked up initially. Imagine the possible different routes that night could have taken based on that song in the background. Imagine how different those routes could be from song to song. The song could very well have just played in the background with no effect to the evening at all. Or it could have gone by barely unnoticed if not for the one person who suddenly had a change in mood.

Whoa...

At this point our minds began to spin and we called it quits. But it did get me thinking about relationships in terms of the unique dynamic between any two people; how can you expect the kind of relationship you will have with your significant other before meeting them? How can one have expectations when there is no saying what kind of dynamic you two will create? Not just that, but once officially a married couple, who knows what kind of changes to this dynamic could occur when under one roof. Such a change in the situation of the relationship could very well destroy it. Maybe you two worked as a couple when each of you led separate lives, but not so much when you shared one? Maybe you worked together three years ago when you first met, but grew up and grew apart? Or even vice versa, you didn’t work then but you could very well work now. Maybe you work when away from family and friends in total isolation, otherwise you allow people to get involved in your relationship and ultimately ruin it. Perhaps you are the perfect couple to be in the public eye, but do not work behind closed doors.

Such unforeseeable circumstances I attribute to the final pillar I called ‘Life’. This, to me, is the miscellaneous category of marriage. It is ultimately the hardest category to face and accept because it does not exactly affect how you feel or interact, but does in fact govern your life together or at least the probability of it ever happening. This isn't limited to aspects of emotion and personal growth, it also includes general circumstances in life. It is painful to accept not being with the person you really and truly feel has been catered to be your partner because, say, you come from different parts of the world, or you are at different stages in your life. This is something that may be overcome, yes, but in some circumstances, they are not. Sometimes it's not outside influences keeping you from being together, but between the two of you, your individual life 'lines' have not yet met on the all-encompassing plane of life.

But, hey....that’s life.

FIFA vs. Call of Duty

Now don't get too excited from the title, it ain't what you think. You can probably guess from the title alone I am not exactly video-game-literate.

I've been trying to look at typical male behaviors to try to analyse them and categorize them in such a way that would help us pick up on bad habits early on. Simply put, I'm sort of, maybe, male-profiling here.

From that I believe I found a correlation between video game preference and emotional stability. Bear with me a minute and allow me to explain...

It is common to see a man on his absolute best behavior when he first meets a girl he likes. He's sweet, romantic, thoughtful, and says all the right things at all the right times. They are huge fans of grand gestures, especially when it is to make up for a massive mistake on their part, and they get impressively creative with it too. They get a kick out of it when the woman is a bit more guarded than most. They want to crack her. They want to lift her up so high that she finally lets her guard down ever so slightly and gives him what he wants; be it emotionally or physically. Once that happens, the asshole slowly starts to appear. Over time, prince charming gradually removes his once glowing mask and unzips his once valiant costume to reveal the asshole within. Some are so good they manage to keep the mask on long enough till they drop a bomb of asshole-osity; BOOM bitches! It is this process that lead women to believe men are only interested in the chase, and once they get what they want it is on to the next one. And with such cases, who can blame them? Are they just naturally assholes or do they begin to lose interest once they got what they wanted; once that goal has been achieved?

On the other hand, you do have a genuinely sincere man who doesn't necessarily offer you the world or lift you up to cloud 9. He probably barely gets you to cloud 7. But the difference is that is where you more or less remain. Much more straightforward, this guy. What he has to offer is consistent, you know what to expect. He may not sweep you off your feet or be as exciting as the previous guy, but he is more stable. This is not to say he is less capable of love or would love you less, he is just more reasonable in expressing it. He doesn't feel he needs to go above and beyond when a simple action would suffice. So long as his intentions are understood and feelings are known, no need for grand gestures, at least not all the time.

Is the video game comparison coming out yet? Well, if you haven't guessed by now, the former example was "Call of Duty" while the latter was "FIFA". To me, it makes sense that those who play "Call of Duty' religiously are assholes in disguise. I mean think about the game they obsess over. There's so much going on along the way just for the sake of keeping things interesting. There are always some goal(s) to attain, levels to reach, achievements and power-ups. The game goes on and on for what feels like forever, all the while trying to keep the player interested throughout and draw them in, but it doesn't actually go on forever. My point is, the game ends. And once it does, I dare you to find our avid gamer look at that game again. He has done what he set out to do and has lost interest, on the search for something new, something more. Then you have expansion packs and spin offs and sequels of prequels of sequels.

With "FIFA" games, and any sports game in general, they are basically the same throughout. Anything new doesn't necessarily change the game, it just offers different options and features for it to remain current. There is not much change to the actual game and I find those who enjoy playing it are consistent in their enjoyment. Regardless of what version they're playing, what archaic console they are using, they will enjoy the game. Yes, they may obsess over it. But they never really abandon it altogether now, do they?

Let's put it another way; new car. Mr. Call-of-duty buys a new car and rides it to within an inch of its life, dumps it and buys a new one. However Mr. FIFA takes care of his new car; getting it maintained and cleaned regularly. Maybe you can say it's a matter of maturity. But what if it's a matter of behavior here?

What about those who play neither? Or both? Well, haven't really gotten that far with this theory. What I have so far I do believe is genius, though!

Bottom line, personally, I'd take Mr. FIFA any day. Call of duty is far too emotionally unstable for my liking.

Every Arab Man is Sultan of his Harem

I made sure to post a little something about women (previous post) before putting this up as to avoid being seen as biased/feminist/sexist/etc. Don't flatter yourselves; men, women, all y'all crazy.

And as you probably can guess from the title...Yeah, I have been unashamedly watching one too many Turkish soaps....

But there is no denying that idea kind of stuck with us over time; every man is king of his castle. In a world where "democracy" is reigned supreme, you'd think maybe we can start at home, no? What was once a position of great duty, honor and respect, is now a position some abuse in the most horrific ways. Our culture, along with the Islamic religion, has given the man great responsibilities towards his household. That somehow has led some men to believe they have power rather than a duty to fulfill, and they brutally abuse that power. Possibly one of my least favorite examples of this is polygamy; something Islam has permitted with the condition of equality, as a solution to a societal problem, has instead been used in most cases as a man's right to indulge in multiple partners in a way destructive to once stable homes.

It is this very thinking that makes the Arab man believe that he should only hold certain prestigious jobs and positions. Just like on Kuwaiti soaps where nearly every male character has a company or sharikah and every son works for his dad and eventually takes over. It is also this very thinking that makes the Arab man feel he is invincible, he is above the law. Hence the cutting of legal corners at nearly every corner. And let us not forget the fantastic traffic on our Middle Eastern roads where everyone drives by their own rules and 3 lanes magically become 7, and people feel they are in the right to do so! It is that diseased mind that believes the Arab man is supreme, it is this very thinking that makes the Arab man treat his wife and even other women in his life like some sort of possession to the point of insult and abuse, believing wholeheartedly he has the right to do so. And in some places where there is no law to protect women in these cases from such power-hungry and hugely insecure thugs, the women are left defenseless. But I digress.

I feel as women the world over progressed to assert their position in the world, some men didn't get the memo, and are still bewildered at the changes occurring in what was once the natural order. The whole archaic notion of me-man-me-go-hunting/you-woman-you-cook-meat just does not want to go away (trying to convey the cave man voice through text, message received?). Although I know some women like it that way, especially some Arab women with men who go hunting and 'the help' cooking the meat. But that notion extends far beyond household duties. It's that the man makes all the decisions, the man is always right. It is that possessiveness where a woman loses her identity because she is now under his roof, therefore she must follow his rules, completely disregarding the fact that she is a grown-ass woman (pardon my French). Granted, some women do not behave like adults and are in constant need of authority throughout their lives, but that's only because she's never been given a chance. Forgive me, but a woman having to ask her husband for permission to, let's say, go to the mall...quoi? It's like a college student asking his professor to go to the restroom in the middle of a lecture; that stopped the minute you graduated high school kid, you don't need to raise your hand to ask permission to relieve yourself. Sometimes I think to myself: are we really still making this an issue? I mean really? Expecting her to ask permission, demanding she dress/behave a certain way, telling her what she can and can't do is all robbing her of her identity and any voice she ever or probably never had. And get this, for this reason some men prefer to marry (real) young girls to continue on where the father left off and raise her into the wife he wants her to be.....

*Mind explodes*

So I say this to you, pompous Arab man: get over yourself. Who do you think you are? You ain't no Sultan of no Harem.

The Arab man - in my eyes - is somewhat massively confused. If not confused, then perhaps conflicted? As open-minded as some men start out, once they are knee-deep in the pool of the stereotypical Arab, they feel the need to conform. They don't realize they can just get out of the pool! What gets me is at some point in their lives they had a sound mind, sound logic and sound judgement. Then somehow they do a 180 and become the stereotypical Arab they once despised. I find that they, more than women, conform to what society expects of them and are sometimes crushed by the pressure of that expectation. Hence some men marry only to meet that expectation knowing their hearts are not in it. That could sentence them to a lifetime of discontent or lead them to a downright nasty divorce. Worst part is he plays the victim and punishes the wrong person. And what with the poor girl you feel you 'settled' for? It's just not fair on her or even you to go into marriage for such reasons. But so long as you did, do right by her at least.

There is a certain species of Arab men that have been said to be somewhat robotic; lacking in any emotion, programmed to clock in and clock out, covering all the basics out of obligation rather than out of love. I've observed a few men of this species, and I can't help but feel sorry for them. I am wholeheartedly convinced that those who are seen as robotic and heartless, are those who have suffered deep, severe sorrow and heartache most. It's almost as if they reached a point in their lives where they sacrificed who they are, what they want in life, their dreams and aspirations because they felt compelled or obligated to do so. They grow up to be bitter and cold as they carry out their obligations to the fullest, but those closest to them are the ones who pay the price. He's a prisoner in his own life, and he imprisons the one sleeping next to him along with him.

To conclude, I wanted to share a story I heard about this Egyptian woman who killed her husband, chopped him up into little pieces and slowly fed it to the dogs (she actually researched how to do it through the internet). When I did a quick Google search I was surprised to find more than one story along those lines, each more heinous than the other. I can't help but think maybe, just maybe, the husband actually deserved it. I mean, it may not be the humane thing to say, and surely I don't like the idea of a man dying at the hands of his own wife, or anyone else for that matter. But it takes a lot of pent up anger, humiliation, desperation, helplessness and psychological damage to drive someone to do such a thing to their own spouse. Something to think about I suppose.

Behind Every Happy Peacock is a Clever Peahen

There is a growing trend giving rise to brazen, impertinent women in the Middle East, myself included. Who can blame us though? We've been pushed around long enough! But admittedly, some women do take it a bit too far (I am no exception). Since childhood, even as good little school girls we have been led to believe we should stick to what we're good at and what we know, being confined to a certain role (read: The Trouble with Bright Girls). Frankly, I imagine we are getting quite sick of it. But perhaps the years of oppression has led to an unruly backlash sometimes targeted towards the wrong people.

Ladies. Ladies, ladies, ladies! Stand up, but ease up. Don’t allow others to step all over you, but don’t go and do the stepping yourself. If only you knew the innate power of your femininity. There is no shame in being emotional. There is no shame in being considerate of others. There is no shame in being giving. Own it! It is what makes you superior to man.

Acting like a man will never get you a man. Being the dominant one in the relationship is insanely emasculating and insulting to a man and he may never recover from you doing so. He may even resist entirely and punish you eternally for it just to ‘put you in your place’. Don’t be a total pushover but don't let it get to that either. Let him wear the pants but be the one who puts the pants on for him instead (slightly disturbing sight, hopefully the point has been made). The way I see it, let the man be the man. A man likes to know he is needed and appreciated. Let him feel like he is in control for the most part. Fluff up their egos from time to time; let the peacocks display their feathers and give them the awe they are looking for. Show him you are impressed by the display and have chosen him as your peacock. 

Similarly, don’t act like a child and pour all over him, either. It may be cute for a while, but no man can put up with a grown woman who is constantly immature. With the immaturity comes the irresponsibility, mild cases of stupidity and various forms of juvenile behavior. To me, this is a clear sign that the decision to be in a relationship is a bit premature. If you lose yourself in him, you will struggle to find her again at the first sign of his absence.

“My persuasion can build a nation” – “Who Run The World”, Beyonce

That line simply resonates with truth. Initially, I thought the song was irritating and unnecessarily aggressive, but the older I got, the more of life I experienced, the more I understood the source of that apropos aggression. Women tend to focus so much on how they are oppressed and what to do in order to combat that oppression. However it is my humble opinion that this battle began because women simply forgot how to be women. A clever woman can always get her way, without having to appear weak or be a total bitch. We just need to realize what we are instinctively capable of and pick our battles. Not everything is worth putting up a fight, direct your energies where it would have maximum impact.

Since I was a young girl, I have always been fascinated by Cleopatra. Although her wit and charm did get her in a world of trouble which led her to tragically end her own life, you have to admire her ability to get not one, but two of the most powerful men of the Roman Empire at the time to do her bidding and protect her own kingdom. Some would attribute this to the power of seduction i.e. it was purely physical and emotional manipulation that got world leaders wrapped around her finger. However there has been skepticism towards her actual appearance. Simply put, there’s a chance she wasn’t that pretty. Regardless, surely she couldn’t have achieved what she did with her beauty alone. Her character, charisma, charm and wit are what others believe to be how she managed to influence both Marc Anthony and Julius Caesar before him. However many fail to mention the intelligence of Cleopatra; that she spoke 9 languages and was a brilliant mathematician (a trait she shared with Caesar, not so much Anthony). What it really was about her that made her story legendary, we may never really know. More importantly is how she managed to keep her kingdom afloat through these two men, which makes her all the more intriguing to me.

It is that innate capability that we women have that I believe Cleopatra took full advantage of (perhaps even abused?). There is no denying the greatly underestimated strength of a woman. Sadly, women are the ones who have difficulty recognizing that. Greatness is not something a woman can achieve by acting like a man (we were created differently for a reason!). It is in realizing your own inherent strength that comes with being a woman and knowing how to utilize it. I am not referring to physical assets and sexual seduction - although there is plenty of room for that in a marriage - it’s more about knowing how to deal with the man before you. It’s about knowing how to read him; when he needs your attention, when he needs space, when he needs compassion, even when he needs food. Knowing how to deal with him when he’s in a mood or knowing what ticks him off are all things that should be kept in a mental bank and referred to regularly and perhaps even used to your advantage. Open your eyes, pay attention, use your mind and you will know the secrets to making him happy and it will return to you ten-fold.

This isn’t to say that there is one successful formula in how to treat a man – every man is different – nor is it 100 % successful (more of a hit and miss) but the approach I guess is similar. Don’t ignore him, but don’t pour all over him either. Don’t be a slave to his every whim, yet don’t neglect him altogether. Just be aware of him and his needs. A lot of women take the petty road and turn to manipulation and mind games. This could be a quick fix, but it could very well backfire somewhere down the line. Also, it's fucking exhausting and borderline frustrating.

“As I said, though, a woman has a wonderful influence over a man’s whole life. If I had a chance to change the great social fabric any, though, I should ask woman to be more thoughtful of her husband, and, if possible, less severe. I would say to woman, be a man. Rise above these petty little tyrannical ways. Instead of asking your husband what he does with every cent you give him, learn to trust him. Teach him that you have confidence in him. Make him think you have anyway, whether you have or not. Do not seek to get a whiff of his breath every ten minutes to see whether he has been drinking or not. If you keep doing that you will sock him into a drunkard’s grave, sure pop….. So I say to you that woman, in one way or another, either by strategy and winnin’ ways or by main strength and awkwardness, is absolutely sure to wield an all-fired influence over poor, weak man, and while grass grows and water runs, pardner, you will always find her presiding over man’s destinies and his ducats.” 

– Woman’s Wonderful Influence, an excerpt from the book Remarks by Bill Nye

Women have an immense capacity to love and care for others yet I feel the modern woman holds that particular instinct back as to not appear weak or fragile. There really is a way to have your cake and eat it too. You can be a badass Miss Independent also capable of some affection and compassion. Embrace the qualities that make you who you are, and be sure he sees those qualities and loves you for who you are.

Never. Settle.

"Moments in Love"

The title of this post is in fact a title of a song by Art of Noise, a song that this post is based on. I, for one, adore this song. My mom actually first heard it on the radio some time in the late 90s and went around to different record stores humming the tune in search for this mysterious track. Three CD purchases later, she finally found the track. Although, at the time all I really listened to (almost exclusively) was Ginuwine and Dru Hill, I still liked this track, as did all my siblings and anyone who had the pleasure of riding in my mom's car. As I grew older I continued to like it more and more. The older I got, the more I listened to it, the more the title made sense. At 10+ minutes, it's a long track but totally worth it, so give it a listen. If it's not to your liking, don't force yourself, you'll still get the message. I have yet to meet someone who doesn't like it so humor me and let me know if you don't (just to make sure y'all exist).

What I love most about this track is how it shifts in mood, to the point it reaches a very ominous, perhaps even a little frightening, mood at some point (@ 6:50-ish). It doesn't sound overly lovey-dovey either. It's sometimes serene, upgrades to a more sporadic serenity, there are pauses, and it even completely shifts into total chaos for a while before shifting back to the usual rhythm. I know these may not be the most technical descriptions, but hopefully you get the point. 

I love this song because it reflects the true moments in love in a way I feel is accurately depicted. It's hardly ever constant, far from perfect, but it still is love. Things will get hard, things will go wrong; over the silliest things or not. The important thing is to not give up so easily or too soon. It's so easy to face hardships and just bow out altogether, because in the back of our heads we somehow feel divorce is always a choice and many people take it the first chance they get. It's like the plane getting a little turbulence and you just jump off the plane anyway to avoid the bumpy ride. But where does that leave you? In the middle of Timbuktu, that's where! 

Sometimes the idea of divorce comes out as a horrible reaction, almost used as a weapon, without really considering the consequences of what's being said. Personally, I know myself to be a bit extreme in what I intend to do following an argument, which is why I like to put a lid on it before I say something I regret. So many different methods of retaliation go through my mind by the minute. Some are immediate and some are more long-term, maybe even evil. But after distracting myself long enough (time of distraction is proportional to level of anger), these reactionary diabolical schemes begin to subside and seem absurd even though the anger remains. It does tend to linger for a while. But eventually it does go away. Whether in a minute, hour, day, year(s), it does go away. Sometimes you need to put up with the feeling of anger for a while but don't let it govern your actions, especially ones you are likely to regret later. Therefore the idea of divorce should not be one borne out of frustration. And it shouldn't be announced to the world either, especially when it is most likely not happening. Now you have made your private marital matters public, and people will always wonder and secretly judge you for still being together. Keep such matters between you for as long as possible. 

Ultimatums like "do this or divorce" are just a low blow in my opinion. You're using your value to a person to get what you want. It's like your reducing the value of your whole relationship too just to use it as a bargaining tool. I'd hate to see the day they choose divorce over giving you what you want, and that is precisely what you're setting yourself up for. Divorce is not some sort of trump card. If you choose to do it because you're just not working together, then yeah I guess maybe that's fine. Although I believe such things could have been detected before becoming man and wife, that isn't always the case. In all fairness, there is always a point where divorce is imminent, and there's nothing wrong with that. But don't threaten with divorce every time things get a bit rough. On the other hand, don't delay the inevitable either. If you are destined for divorce, don't put it off. If you both feel that you cannot continue in the marriage, don't force each other to stay in order to save face or for the children's sake. Believe me the children are better off living in two whole homes than one broken one.

Now what happens when one side really and truly wants out but the other side doesn't in the least? To be honest, I really don't know. It's easy to tell married couples that they have to work it out, and that these hardships are normal. But they aren't all normal. There is a point where divorce is the only, perhaps even the most amicable, solution. I guess it's a bit pointless forcing someone to remain a part of a marriage they genuinely no longer find themselves in. In cases like this maybe it is best to just let go, even when you don't want to. But if you so desperately want out when your other half is fighting to keep you, maybe you may need to reconsider your decision (that is if divorce is not being refused merely out of spite). This person is fighting for someone who clearly wants nothing to do with them, doesn't that say something at least? At least half of you believe divorce can be avoided and you can overcome this.