Always More Than Friends?

It has been argued the world over: can men and women be friends and keep it strictly platonic?

There are those who answer yes (myself included), and there are those who answer no.

Some people believe it’s not possible and would say so for one of two reasons:

•        Every connection with the opposite sex carries with it some form of sexual tension. Now let’s think about that statement for a second. It seems that there are people in this world who actually believe they are so irresistible that every person of the opposite sex they meet actually wants them (and vice versa of course). How lucky are you that you are able to be attracted to (and also attract) such a wide range of people!  People like that are quick to ‘fall in love’ and just as quickly fall out of it. My advice, if someone believes men and women can’t be friends for such reasons, don’t waste your time, platonic or otherwise.
•       There are others who don’t believe men and women could not be friends as much as they believe men and women should not be friends. Those who are a bit more traditional and/or conservative view such casual relationships as not so casual. Whether they feel it inappropriate, unnecessary or even forbidden. Some go so far as to firmly believe that any contact with the opposite sex under any circumstances will lead to indecency, or is in fact indecent. I guess this has a lot to do with the culture/faith as well as upbringing, and despite my disagreement with the idea as a whole I have to respect people who have such limitations.

Why the limitations though? I think such limited contact with the opposite sex is unhealthy and has adverse effects. Why lock yourself up and allow the opposite sex to be seen as such a foreign creature? They won't bite, I promise! We already know that men and women behave differently. Not just that, but within the gender group there are differences in behavior. This knowledge only comes with first-hand experience. Only by experiencing this would one then be able to handle themselves around them. Not just that, but also knowing what kind of guys/girls are out there will help you form a clearer picture of what it is you want in your future partner. Without this exposure the image of perfection in your head - which bears no resemblance to reality - will only set you up for disappointment. Know what's actually out there. Find out what are the qualities you've actually seen in people; which ones you liked and which ones you didn't. 

Being told how men/women think – whether from books, music, TV, grandmothers or any other medium – is usually a rash generalization that rarely tells you much about the people you are actually surrounded by and dealing with. It is only through being exposed to the opposite sex do they appear less foreign and unfamiliar, hence they become less of a mystery. This exposure does not necessarily have to be through actual relationships (be it romantic or platonic), any sort of interaction even in academic or professional settings eases the mystery of it all. At least you are able to interact on some level to get used to the fact that they are people too, there's no need to be so nervous or anxious or cold, find a way to be yourself around the opposite sex and it will do wonders to your self-esteem and self confidence. 

Although you do learn much more through relationships, do whatever you find comfortable, nothing should feel forced.  And I’ve seen a lot of examples of strange relationships and limitations. I’ve seen those who befriend but don’t date, those who date but don’t befriend, those who tag along with a sibling/friend but only observe from the sidelines (third wheel), those who date and/or befriend everyone under the sun but will never allow their sibling to do so or live freely till that ring is on their finger and it’s game over (hypocrisy at its best!). As long as people do it out of their own choosing and they did what they felt was right, total respect. I just think one shouldn’t underestimate the advantage of such exposure in the long run i.e. marriage. The more insight you have on the opposite gender, the more you can focus on what really counts.

My answer to the question is of course we can be strictly platonic. The more the issue is over-hyped, the more it becomes an issue when it doesn’t need to be. Of course if someone is just plain shy by nature and doesn’t see themselves being friendly around guys/girls, that’s a different story, it’s part of their character. I suppose it does require a bit of maturity and perhaps even some modesty! One must be humble enough to accept not every guy/girl they meet is a potential. I see that is the case with many people more often than I care to admit. Just by getting along with someone, people might imagine sparks where there are none. To these people I say be honest with yourselves, do you genuinely feel the chemistry and is it mutual, or are you just over-excited you hit it off so well? I even saw cases where the sparks were a hallucination from both sides, plain disastrous. I do believe that the key to keeping things strictly platonic is respect, and lots of it. Both parties must behave respectfully in order to be deserving of respect, it ain't given away for free. I don't mean be stiff and frigid, just know where the lines are and draw them firmly.

This does, however, present another concern….

What about friends of the opposite sex while married?

Later addition (10/12/2012). Nicely said! Just get over yourself...

With a Little Help from Marvin and Barry (Part 2 of 2)

'Bride & Groom/Female dominance' - from the series, An Intimate Geography. 
by Aziz Qahtani © 2010 - 2011
http://azizqahtani.com/

From the brilliant work of the young artist Abdulaziz Qahtani, the boundaries of social taboos in our region have been tested. Each and every piece in the series entitled An Intimate Geography speaks volumes, very bold, daring and thought provoking to both Middle Eastern and Western minds. This particular piece is one of my personal favorites. I look at this and cannot help but find it humorously ironic how despite the clear sexual connotations, they stand up straight, indifferent, side by side, not even touching. How very Arab! The shock and awe induced by the imagery is a testament to how we have been conditioned to denounce any connection between culture and the mere essence of sexual activity. So much so that for some people it's hard to shake that idea off when the time comes to do so. Change the cultural background of the subjects to something more Western and it would not have made nearly as bold a statement. But beyond the shock and awe, I wonder if this depiction is more true than we care to believe. Maybe, just maybe, appearances really are deceiving and things aren't as they seem. I admit it is a tantalizing thought; that behind our high walls and closed doors it is in fact the man who submits to the woman (if the woman is smart enough, she could do so and make him believe he's the one in control). Are we that good at keeping up appearances?

We all know that appearances do make a difference to some extent. We tend to analyse things based on appearance and from that form a first impression. The way you present yourself does indeed say a lot about you. This applies to nearly everything from job interviews to the people we meet on a daily basis. But there's a difference between general appearance and looks. There are those who judge potential partners based on looks; either they want someone good-looking or surprisingly they don’t (they know themselves to be the jealous type). To those who insist on a pretty face I tell you looks will fade. looks mean nothing. A message perhaps Disney failed to deliver. From experience I believe that when you get to know someone even as a friend, and you like their character and personality, you somehow get drawn to them and in time they become beautiful in your eyes. You see every imperfection is perfect. It’s an unexplainable phenomenon in my eyes; how genuinely loving a person lets you see them in such a different light. Even with someone who is pretty, with little to no substance beyond it you tend to get bored; what once dazzled you will eventually appear lackluster over time.

Meanwhile, those who deliberately dodge people who are good-looking I find are equally judgmental.  Pretty people need love too. If it’s a matter of jealousy, I commend you for knowing yourself well enough not to put yourself in that position, knowing you will be insanely jealous if you were with someone beautiful. But at the same time, come on! Beautiful or not, it’s the character and conduct of the person that you should judge not their looks. You might be with a total ugo (ugly one) who instead of attracting attention from the opposite sex, would go after it (tends to be the case with ugoes, insecurity issues coupled with the need for validation). How would that be any better?!

Save your impression on their looks, and just go with it. You might be surprised who you end up connecting with, it might not be what you have imagined her/him to be like at all! Don’t put extra limitations on yourself, you’ve already got limited room to maneuver as is.

Equally problematic though, is having insane chemistry or attraction towards someone and not much else. That kind of animalistic, primal attraction is fleeting, not to mention potentially destructive. It’s usually the young and foolish who tend to believe this kind of thing is the real thing. That level of passion could so easily flip into passionate hate and even flip back and forth again and again. This is the kind of chemistry that is what they call unstable. Now let’s go back to the labs; what happens to an unstable chemical compound? When shocked, it leads to a reaction, possibly (likely) an explosive reaction. That kind of explosive attraction will make everything else explosive. We don’t want that now, do we? But if that attraction is there (explosive or not), and everything else seems to have fallen into place also, congratulations! You have won the marital jackpot! But being caught up in a whirlwind of passion is downright dangerous to me.

Now it’s no big secret that ideally, our culture does not condone premarital sex. Because of this ban some people rush to change the pre- to post- to avoid eternity in hell (forgive the bluntness, I mean no disrespect just trying to get to the point). At this point I am left confused though. Because some people really just can’t keep it in their pants, and their religion dictates they do so until marriage, I can’t help but feel sorry for them because that surely is one big moral dilemma right there. Hence they are quick to bind themselves to a partner for life just to avoid sin. This kind of thing makes sense one second and then it just makes no sense the next. So let me get this straight; you decided to make such a monumental life decision and choose your life partner just so you can bump uglies with divine consent, completely neglecting what it means to take on another human being to join you on life’s journey? What about all the other aspects of marriage; is your partner merely a play thing strictly for your pleasure? But then again, it’s either that or premarital sex (or maybe a little self restraint, although easier said than done I’m sure), hence my confusion and sympathy. What I have always wondered though is that if we are a part of a society which does not publicly condone premarital sex, and some people go ahead with it anyway, what happens if they finally do get married? Do they fess up to their soon-to-be partners about their previous sexual 'experience' or do they build the marriage on lies?

The solution to some [Islamic] religious folk is: Muta’a (temporary) marriage. A marriage tailored for those who cannot keep it in their pants, do not feel prepared to embark on a full-on marital life and just do not want to burn in hell. In a nutshell, basically it entails paying a women a dowry to enter a marriage with a predetermined expiration date, she has no rights in this arrangement as the average wife does e.g. not included in his inheritance, not expected to be provided for and any children born will go to him no questions asked. Oh ok, that totally makes sense. Totally. Also another alternative which also acts as a remedy for spinsterhood is Misyar marriage where a woman gives up more or less all marital rights owed to her in a traditional marriage. All she gets is regular visits (at her own home) from her 'husband' who does no provide for her in any way or even live with her. Most of the men resorting to this convenient set up do so to take up a second wife in secret. 

(The term ‘dickheaded’ suddenly holds a whole new meaning in this context)

Now you can agree with this or not, but I personally find that idea revolting. In my eyes it is a legitimized affair or contractual prostitution with consent of a cleric. Concepts such as this are ruining the image and sanctity of marriage; a quick fix to avoid commitment and damnation all-in-one! With such a tempting offer why would anyone settle for an old fashioned marriage, eh? Even more worrying is what happens to the 'wife' after this arrangement is over? This is clearly designed with the male in mind. This type of religiously-condoned thinking is producing a social disease instead of addressing the root of the problem. If our society is having trouble with marriage, there is clearly a problem in how we socialize. Therefore it is a social issue, not a religious one.

It’s about time we briefly address those who simply cannot wait till marriage. Without even thinking twice about it, they just go for it (and go for it, and go for it, etc). I may come off a little self-righteous here but abstinence really is the way to go, one thing Bush Jr. actually got right (a message which fell on deaf ears). Yay abstinence! Some may think saving oneself until marriage is for religious purposes only, completely oblivious of the negative impact it may have on your sex life and sex drive once you do get married. An experience you are only meant to share with your other half you have already shared with someone else (or multiple someones), consequently tainting what should be a unique experience between husband and wife. 

And girls don't think if you spread your legs it's a done deal and he WILL marry you. The definition of gullible right there. If you do it just for the heck of it, hey, power to ya! Just don't think for a second that doing so will guarantee a ring. That is literally all I'm willing to say on this point, it's just that stupid. 

So consider saving yourself for your first, your last, your everything. Now with the help of the one and only Mr. Barry White....let's boogie!

With a Little Help from Marvin and Barry (Part 1 of 2)

Upon making the marriage official, and all the paperwork is done, the cleric turned to the husband and said:

“ستكون أقرب إليها من أبيها”

(Translation: You will be closer to her than her father)

Pillar number three: Physical. 

We come to the third pillar. I have a feeling this is going to be brief because I want to keep it PG. In a nutshell, in addition to the emotional and mental connection, there must be a physical connection (altogether I believe they form what is referred to as 'chemistry' between two people). If you are not physically attracted to the person before you, soon to be your wife/husband, there could be problems. If you don’t, at some point(s), feel the urge to rip each others’ clothes off and just pounce, then there is no attraction. If you don’t have that urge, don’t think it is civil or respectful of you, not each and every thought that crosses your mind has to be decent, and don’t try to convince me otherwise. Parts of marriage are, let’s say, indecent and that would mean you have less than decent thoughts when thinking of your other half (not all the time though, that’s a whole other problem altogether). Our culture has always deemed this issue indecent, something people don’t normally discuss openly and we don’t see much of it as they do in the West (don’t get me wrong, that’s a part of our culture I actually like!). The downside however is because of lack of exposure people tend to feel it is indecent or ‘aib and never get over that notion, always feeling shy or embarrassed when it comes to matters of pleasure. It is more than natural; people have been doing it for centuries. Your chance has finally arrived, just enjoy it!

"There's nothing wrong with me loving you. And giving yourself to me could never be wrong if the love is true." - Marvin Gaye

(WARNING: This song may result in pregnancy)

It’s only logical that one has chemistry with their partner, to me that is a combination of emotional, mental and physical compatibility. And that physical compatibility is a physical manifestation of the emotional and mental connection between two people. By physical compatibility I don’t mean that you look good together (although to me that is a must, but that’s just me being superficial), it’s that you have that attraction that makes you gravitate towards each other. You feel this magnetic pull towards one another.

In my eyes, this aspect of marriage is by far the most difficult to determine until the marriage is done and dusted. All you have to work off of is a feeling of attraction and nothing more. Whether or not that chemistry will meet each person’s expectations, there’s no way of really knowing. I admit, that is scary. Because what a huge bloody let down that would be, eh?! In all seriousness though, it is tricky to detect. This physical connection is an extension of the love you share and therefore vital to the relationship, it will bring you closer. And this is what makes marriage such a unique relationship; since this is a closeness you will only ever have with your other half. This is something that shouldn’t be embarrassing to think about or even talk about between the two of you. You have to be open about what you like and what you want. If you don’t get it out of your marriage, where else can you get it? (Again, this is another driver for infidelity.)

This aspect of marriage is often reduced to 'making babies' or perhaps it is the marital right of the male alone; just wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Now that's unfair, and fairly primitive if you ask me. We ladies need some lovin' too, we have needs! Things like this make me understand how one could believe man came from monkeys. Then we have the opposite end of the spectrum, porn-addicts. As far as I'm concerned, no good can come of it. It completely warps and deforms one's expectations and with time it could make one desensitized (figuratively and literally). Excessive porn leads to a more behavioral addiction which in my view is worse than substance addiction. From a very insightful (albeit lengthy, still well worth a read) article in The Guardian on the subject, it seems the effects are more deep-rooted than one would care to admit:

'....the user of pornography is also psychologically on the run...."People who use pornography feel dead inside, and they are trying to avoid being aware of that pain. There is a sense of liberation, which is temporary: that's why pornography is so repetitive - you have to go back again and again."' Men and Porn by Edward Marriott, The Guardian

Now that the awkward subject is out of the way, I want to talk a bit about physical appearances, but I'll get to that later.

Khalil Gibran on Marriage (from "The Prophet")

An excerpt from The Prophet by Khalil Gibran. It rang so true the first time I ever read this, when I was only a teen, and it still does today. I hope it does the same for you. If there was ever a formula for a successful marriage, this would be it. 


Next week, we're gonna get physical....Enjoy! ;) 

Then Almitra spoke again and said, "And what of Marriage, master?"

And he answered saying:

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.

You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.

Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

Food for though: A man feels ready to marry, he asks mommy to find him a wife if he had trouble finding one on his own. But what happens when a woman is ready to marry?

The Coffee Mug and the Tea Cup

An addendum to the previous ‘pillar’ before moving on to the next one. A more nonsensical rant than usual.

Last week’s post got me thinking about what it is about Arab males and females that sets them apart from the generic battle of the sexes. It seems the location of the battlefield in this case could be changing the rules of the game.

I'm not really a feminist in the sense that I do not agree that men and women should be totally and utterly equal in every and any way, shape or form, but that we are equally capable. This clip from the musical Annie Get Your Gun better explains my position on the matter.

We are different beings, created differently - anatomically, physiologically, mentally, emotionally - it is unnatural to be equals. I like to compare it to a coffee mug and a tea cup; no reason to discriminate between the two although they are shaped and formed differently. They seemingly do the same job and are both fully capable of doing so, but one is better at holding coffee and the other completes the tea experience, in the end they are both vessels in which we pour hot liquids, or even cold liquids. Hell, they both can contain anything possibly containable. I believe that men and women may complement one another, but it should be considered blasphemous to consider them equals. They are both fully capable of doing whatever it is the other does at the same or even higher level of proficiency. But in the end, a man should hold the door open for a woman, not the other way around. A woman is the one who carries a baby inside her for 9 months (hands down that is enough to prove women are superior to men, but I digress), something impossible for a man to even comprehend. So how can we simply ignore that men and women are in fact not equal? This is not to say one is better or more capable than the other. As the Egyptian religious leader and activist Moez Masoud put it: Men and women are not equal, they are mutually superior.

Arab men are such strange creatures to me. They are one big walking contradiction. They are the physical embodiment of the phrase ‘do as I say, not as I do’. The Arab ego I found is unique in comparison to the average male ego; they believe with every fibre of their being that they really and truly are ‘the shit’. Needless to say our culture is one which lends itself to male dominance; more is expected of the Arab man in any case. The entire household falls on his shoulders. He is expected to be driven, focused, stern, and in control. Society expects him to treat all women with respect as if we are all his sisters (a bit idealistic, I know, but you’ll be surprised how deeply instilled that notion is, so much so that sometimes they don’t even know they have it in them). I strongly believe that if chivalry is dead elsewhere, it probably came to the Middle East to die. Chivalry still exists here, I wouldn’t say it was alive and well but I see it from time to time. A lot is expected of the Arab man, and he knows it. There are those who crack under this pressure and take their failure to fully meet this expectation out on everyone around them. There are those who partially meet that expectation within reason by allowing themselves to let go a little. And then there are those who don’t meet this expectation by miles and, frankly, don’t give a damn. Let me be clear and say that the expectation to become the quintessential Arab man is impossible to reach; it was possible once upon a time but that breed is extinct, but only because times have changed and such roles have been re-defined.

Likewise, a lot is expected of the Arab woman. The difference being men seem to be sticking to the traditional role set out for them whereas a lot of women nowadays are doing all they can to break free of that pre-historic, pre-defined role. And that just leaves men massively confused. Men have been wired to take charge, but the modern woman will take orders from no one. However, some women of today seem to be taking it a step too far, giving birth to a special kind of insolence. Can you blame them, though? Middle Eastern women till today struggle to assert their position in the world, and they strive to do so. Fed up with being in the background, the modern Arab woman stops at nothing to prove to the world she is here and she means business, and she doesn’t take lightly to anyone or anything that stands in her way. I have never met women as driven as Arab women, and I wish the Arab world would acknowledge and even exploit that more. They come in extremes though; either extremely driven or extremely....not.

Just when the man reaches the point in his life where he wants to slow down, the woman jets off! To her, life begins now. Having to hold off on a lot for the sake of appearances (as to not jeopardize her chances of marriage), once married she feels she has done what she had to do and now has to answer to no one! 


Oh contraire, don’t forget the poor schmuck otherwise known as your husband!

This is where I find a split in Arab men. Some take it lying down and just don’t stand in her way – whether he actually supports her or just to shut her up – and accept the fact that they got screwed in this deal. Others won’t have it, they turn into this controlling monster they never knew existed and make Miss Independent (now Mrs.) regret ever using marriage as an ‘escape’ for the sake of freedom and independence. How could you possibly expect independence from a marriage when you are entering it with another person? This isn’t a marriage anymore, it’s a power play where nobody wins.

In the Middle East, to some life is what happens while you’re waiting to be married, but you’re too busy waiting to do any living. To others, life is what happens before you get married, after that you’re on death row! I can’t help but feel that societal expectations and/or restraints on both genders just aren’t doing anyone any favors. All it does is further complicate an already complicated situation. 

Let's Talk (Part 3 of 3)

A mental connection between two people has a lot to do with understanding one another. It is not only a case of understanding what one says, but also being able to read their actions and read beyond the mere words spoken. One of the greatest obstacles known to humankind is the battle of the genders. To this day, men and women struggle to understand each other. That is in part due to the fact that men and women are wired differently and they simply refuse to accept that fact. Allow me to refer back to Mark Gungor here with one of my personal favorites (quite lengthy but well worth it!):

I do hate to generalize like this but safe to say, two brains of any gender rarely work the same way anyway. After coming to terms with the simple fact that our brains don’t all function the same way, you’re still not completely out of the dark. Understanding how the opposite sex thinks is one thing, understanding how the person before you thinks is what really matters here. Knowing how they think, what they like/dislike is a huge part of the relationship in my eyes. It shows that you know who they are…as they are. It shows that you made the effort to know what matters to them. It does say a lot because it truly does require effort to pick up on certain things that could be quite subtle.

Let me give two examples to illustrate how this could translate into a relationship. This time I won’t tell you a story, I’m gonna give you a rare first-hand experience here!

The first example is about one simple word. I have my own theory about the world’s biggest lie; the word ‘fine’. I believe no one has ever told the truth when using that word. I don’t mean the ‘damn she fine’ kind of context (I guess fine art doesn’t apply here either, although that could be debatable). I suppose I can safely say it is every other context.

‘How are you, how are your exams going?’……….’Fine’……….LIE

‘Sweetie, you’re sobbing hysterically, are you okay?’……….’I’m fi-i-i-ine’……….LIE

‘We haven't got Pepsi, is Coke ok?’……….’No, it’s ok, Coke is fine’……….LIE

‘We’re not going to be here for your birthday’……….’Yeah that’s fine’……….LIE

‘Sir you just fell and landed face first onto the concrete, are you okay?!’……….’Yeah, ignore the blood, I’m fine’……….LIE!!!

I know these are all petty examples, but honestly look back at all the times you or anyone else has used that word……….do you see it yet? Regardless, to me personally, the word is a lie. So if someone asks me how I’m doing and I reply with ‘fine’ although I’m the furthest thing from it, I am lying. And vice versa, if someone is clearly not fine and they are trying to convince me that they are, I don’t buy it! This is something I’ve only recently noticed I believe in so strongly (and have been avoiding the use of the word as to not blow my own cover!). I’ve always reacted that way to the word or treated it as a lie but I never actually realized that was my automatic response to it every time. When someone actually did pick up on my ‘Fine is a Lie’ theory and for the first time defined it for me, I was actually quite flattered that this person had noticed it. Not only that, this person knew I was not fine at all when I said I was, and was able to be there for me even when my pride wouldn’t allow me to ask (this theory is supposedly an effect of my alleged pride issues, supposedly). That’s what it means to know and understand a person, to be able to reveal the complex layers we hide ourselves in and go beyond just talking.

Another example is ketchup. I hate ketchup. In fact, I think I have a phobia of ketchup. I hate the smell, the texture, the taste, the sound, the movement, how the bottle always has nasty dried up chunks on the rims or in the cover, how it either plops out onto a plate or how it gets squeezed out. If someone asks me to pass the ketchup and I do, I refuse to believe that there has ever been more self control exercised than at that moment. Anyway, I suppose you get the picture. Now I do not doubt that my father loves me, but I am in my 20s, and yes my palette has matured as I’ve grown but the one thing that has never changed is my strong dislike of ketchup. Every time we have any sort of ketchup-friendly meal, he passes me the ketchup bottle or asks to put it on my plate. He sometimes gets me food with ketchup, completely forgetting how the thought of it makes me gag. I have to say, I know he’s my dad but it does hurt a little that my own father doesn’t know or bother to keep tabs on my ketchuphobia. He’s my father so it’s slightly different than in any other case.

This may sound silly but assuming he wasn't my father, yes these details do count in a relationship. If the person you share your life with can't seem to remember that you take your coffee with no sugar after having coffee together on a daily basis for at least a good few years, it can get a little frustrating, insulting even. Knowing how your partner likes their tea, knowing their preference of music, knowing the particular kind of books they like to read if they like to read at all! These things are pretty obvious sometimes so what matters are the not-so-obvious details. Knowing what to do when they are down, knowing how to put a smile on their face, knowing what annoys/upsets them and NOT doing it are vital to make the relationship stronger. Even when they have done or said something to hurt you, knowing when it was said out of anger or when they decide to take their anger out on you and forgiving them for it is huge. These mistakes happen with many people in many situations, not just marriage. We do tend to hurt those closest to us, and it is because we hope they know us well enough to understand where it came from and forgive us for it (this doesn't mean you should allow yourself to abuse those close to you, you won't always be forgiven).

Some marriages in our region happen so quickly that couples don't feel the need to win each other over with such efforts, and once married the goal is supposedly achieved. Men would like to think these things matter to women more than they do men. Nu-uh! It may seem so because women are usually the ones that pay attention to these things so they bake the cake you like or get you tickets to see your favorite team play in whatever sport. They do this expecting the same in return only to be disappointed that he’s so preoccupied with the game tickets to realize they were an anniversary gift. And you would be surprised how simple it is to please a girl in this respect, especially when most of the time all you need to do is just be there for her and God forbid actually listen to what she says. Yes, these things matter. The tiniest effort could make a world of difference! 

I tried to avoid this but I simply couldn't resist, another Mark Gungor video humorously explaining how couples 'keep score' on such things.  It's more or less and extension of the first video, but it shows how just paying a little attention and the simplest gestures every once in a while could help even out the playing field....Enjoy!

Let's Talk (Part 2 of 3)

So we've established that it just might be useful to be able to converse with your partner, but that's not all.

Having that mental connection also does mean you do share similar views on the world, or shall I say values. I wouldn’t say it was a must if you don’t exactly see eye-to-eye on certain things, but it does make things a hell of a lot easier. For example let's say one of you thinks it's OK to steal apples from your neighbor's apple tree while the other strongly believes that all forms of stealing - without exception - is wrong, you can't expect there to be much mutual respect there. You very well could lay in bed at night wondering how you can possibly share a bed with someone so dishonest/ridiculous. Such values are very important when raising children. Without children, the marriage just might survive if the love is strong enough. However, when children come into play, they will be massively conflicted. These are things that need to be addressed before 'I do'. Where do each of you stand within the school of life? What are the values you share and believe in strongly which you both would like to instill in your children?

If you differ on beliefs, morals or ethics, it could very well be problematic. This does have a lot to do with faith, and let’s face it, not all people of the same faith are equally faithful, and obviously those of different faiths altogether are a whole other ball game. I’m in no way suggesting people who marry must be of the same faith, same sect and share the exact same beliefs. As long as wherever it is they both stand in that matter, their stance does not clash or contradict each other majorly (I'm trying to get a delicate message across here without being too direct, but I feel like I'm only complicating it further). I don’t want to dwell on it too much because this could get slightly controversial. However it does shock me how some people do neglect this point. Here's an example of when couples may clash on such issues and how it could affect them:
 

Deena is a prime example of what I like to call a ‘neo-Muslim’, somewhere between liberal and conservative, although she would never admit there is anything conservative about her. Nawaf is a Muslim by descent, and by that I mean a cultural Muslim who inherited the title, not much else. He drinks, smokes, and does not pray, unlike Deena. But being the neo-Muslim she is, she decided to be more liberal and not let that affect her decision to marry him. It wasn’t really much of a problem at first, she always thought he was going through a phase and felt she could influence him slightly. But the years passed and Nawaf remained the same, very much set in his ways, whereas Deena’s faith grew stronger. She would pray for his 'salvation' every day. 


The couple had a child, Rayan. As the mother, Deena felt she had the chance to influence her son more. Nawaf couldn’t care less, he was merely there to ensure his son became a man and that included a lot of distant tough love. As Rayan got older, Deena would encourage him to pray. His dad wouldn’t take him to Friday prayers at the mosque and she ashamedly asked her brother to take him every week. She was adamant not to let Rayan turn into his father. It was hard enough to see the man she loved so conflicting with her own beliefs, to see her son that way would be too painful to think about. Alas, the older Rayan grew, the more inquisitive he became; how come the rules don’t seem to be applying to his father? 


And with very little effort from his father, Deena’s nightmare slowly began to come true. There doesn’t have to be any direct influence, Nawaf simply being there was influence enough. As the days went by, Deena saw Rayan slip through her fingers, and she resented her husband for it. The guy did nothing, he did not actively influence their son, but Deena spent her days passively punishing him for it. The tension continued to grow, her heart continued to break.

That, that right there made me sad. Religion is a touchy subject, but I tried to get the point across as best I can and hopefully without making any insinuations. I simply tried to explain what each 'character' is feeling from their particular standpoint. It just goes to show how something so basic that doesn’t really affect how you feel about each other could greatly affect your life together. Such a household does not lack love, but someone is still left heartbroken somehow. This goes back to the idea that love isn’t enough to base a marriage on, sad but true. I didn’t mention it much in the previous posts on the emotional aspect because every other aspect will do the explaining for me. Yes love is important, but so is everything else, and I mean everything.

Love is a temporary madness,

it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. 

And when it subsides you have to make a decision. 

You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together 

that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. 

Because this is what love is.

Love is not breathlessness, 

it is not excitement, 

it is not the promulgation of eternal passion.

That is just being "in love" which any fool can do.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, 

and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. 

Those that truly love, have roots that grow towards each other underground, 

and when all the pretty blossom have fallen from their branches, 

they find that they are one tree and not two.

― Louis de Bernières, Captain Corelli's Mandolin