Monday, September 10, 2012
"Moments in Love"
The title of this post is in fact a title of a song by Art of Noise, a song that this post is based on. I, for one, adore this song. My mom actually first heard it on the radio some time in the late 90s and went around to different record stores humming the tune in search for this mysterious track. Three CD purchases later, she finally found the track. Although, at the time all I really listened to (almost exclusively) was Ginuwine and Dru Hill, I still liked this track, as did all my siblings and anyone who had the pleasure of riding in my mom's car. As I grew older I continued to like it more and more. The older I got, the more I listened to it, the more the title made sense. At 10+ minutes, it's a long track but totally worth it, so give it a listen. If it's not to your liking, don't force yourself, you'll still get the message. I have yet to meet someone who doesn't like it so humor me and let me know if you don't (just to make sure y'all exist).
What I love most about this track is how it shifts in mood, to the point it reaches a very ominous, perhaps even a little frightening, mood at some point (@ 6:50-ish). It doesn't sound overly lovey-dovey either. It's sometimes serene, upgrades to a more sporadic serenity, there are pauses, and it even completely shifts into total chaos for a while before shifting back to the usual rhythm. I know these may not be the most technical descriptions, but hopefully you get the point.
I love this song because it reflects the true moments in love in a way I feel is accurately depicted. It's hardly ever constant, far from perfect, but it still is love. Things will get hard, things will go wrong; over the silliest things or not. The important thing is to not give up so easily or too soon. It's so easy to face hardships and just bow out altogether, because in the back of our heads we somehow feel divorce is always a choice and many people take it the first chance they get. It's like the plane getting a little turbulence and you just jump off the plane anyway to avoid the bumpy ride. But where does that leave you? In the middle of Timbuktu, that's where!
Sometimes the idea of divorce comes out as a horrible reaction, almost used as a weapon, without really considering the consequences of what's being said. Personally, I know myself to be a bit extreme in what I intend to do following an argument, which is why I like to put a lid on it before I say something I regret. So many different methods of retaliation go through my mind by the minute. Some are immediate and some are more long-term, maybe even evil. But after distracting myself long enough (time of distraction is proportional to level of anger), these reactionary diabolical schemes begin to subside and seem absurd even though the anger remains. It does tend to linger for a while. But eventually it does go away. Whether in a minute, hour, day, year(s), it does go away. Sometimes you need to put up with the feeling of anger for a while but don't let it govern your actions, especially ones you are likely to regret later. Therefore the idea of divorce should not be one borne out of frustration. And it shouldn't be announced to the world either, especially when it is most likely not happening. Now you have made your private marital matters public, and people will always wonder and secretly judge you for still being together. Keep such matters between you for as long as possible.
Ultimatums like "do this or divorce" are just a low blow in my opinion. You're using your value to a person to get what you want. It's like your reducing the value of your whole relationship too just to use it as a bargaining tool. I'd hate to see the day they choose divorce over giving you what you want, and that is precisely what you're setting yourself up for. Divorce is not some sort of trump card. If you choose to do it because you're just not working together, then yeah I guess maybe that's fine. Although I believe such things could have been detected before becoming man and wife, that isn't always the case. In all fairness, there is always a point where divorce is imminent, and there's nothing wrong with that. But don't threaten with divorce every time things get a bit rough. On the other hand, don't delay the inevitable either. If you are destined for divorce, don't put it off. If you both feel that you cannot continue in the marriage, don't force each other to stay in order to save face or for the children's sake. Believe me the children are better off living in two whole homes than one broken one.
Now what happens when one side really and truly wants out but the other side doesn't in the least? To be honest, I really don't know. It's easy to tell married couples that they have to work it out, and that these hardships are normal. But they aren't all normal. There is a point where divorce is the only, perhaps even the most amicable, solution. I guess it's a bit pointless forcing someone to remain a part of a marriage they genuinely no longer find themselves in. In cases like this maybe it is best to just let go, even when you don't want to. But if you so desperately want out when your other half is fighting to keep you, maybe you may need to reconsider your decision (that is if divorce is not being refused merely out of spite). This person is fighting for someone who clearly wants nothing to do with them, doesn't that say something at least? At least half of you believe divorce can be avoided and you can overcome this.