Monday, March 5, 2012

Love and Marriage (Part 3 of 3)

Be wary of love that sweeps you off your feet. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. Don’t take my word for it if you disagree, I’ll just wait in the sidelines when you crash and burn to tell you I told you so.  A little harsh, I know. But I mean well. I’ll be waiting to help you back up eventually (after ‘I told you so’). Honestly though, if things start to seem too perfect, look again. And again. Go splash your face with cold water and look again. There must be something you are missing. If there’s still nothing, start pushing buttons, try to get some sort of reaction. If things are still peachy, run for the hills. That kind of perfection is the stuff of psychopaths and horror films. Part of being in love is having ‘lovers’ quarrels’. It’s in the name, it’s gotta happen! This image of the ideal that has been painted in our minds is precisely that; an image, a still shot of what love could be (and an exaggerated one at that). It does not adequately represent the reality of the situation. People have this induced expectation of what love is from so many different sources. All of which may or may not be true at all, regardless, it does not necessarily hold true to you. Each and every person views life differently, and with that love is perceived differently as well. Even the value of love differs from person to person. Even the types of love vary (e.g. you don't love your family as you would your friends). We hear so much about this concept of 'love' as if it's some sort of hot commodity and people are desperate to experience it, only to realize it's not at all what they expected. Live your life, in time you will come to realize what it is you define as 'love' and you'll be that much closer to finding it. 

I wanted to side-track a bit and briefly touch on two matters which were somewhat presented in the previous 2 posts.

La familia! Parents can get a wee-bit pushy. Parents, I know you’d rather see them married and miserable than not married at all, but don’t do this to your kids. Forcing your children to marry – or for those who deny they force their kids, let’s say ‘insisting’ your children marry – cannot guarantee their happiness. You can’t know what will happen to them further down the line. I’m sure as parents you’d like to believe you know what’s best for them, but when it comes to a life THEY will be leading, a marriage that will no longer involve you once they are husband and wife, I beseech you practice some restraint, have some prudence and listen to your children. Let them know it’s ok to say no for their own reasons, don’t make them feel pressured to marry simply to please you. Because when things go wrong, I assure you they WILL blame you. Marriage is not the be-all and end-all of life, don’t make your kids feel it is either. Yes, it is important, but in due time and with the right person.

"If it is right, it happens - The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away"

Another side note, also concerning parents (sort of). So you’re married, you live together as husband and wife, and you have a bit of a squabble (i.e. ‘lovers’ quarrel’). Actually, you have a lot of squabbles (you’re married, it is expected and completely normal). So you resolve these squabbles, or not, it is up to the two of you to deal with such matters. Only the two of you. The worst thing you can do in a marriage is involve your parents (or anyone else for that matter) in your…squabbles. Unless the two of you fail to reach an understanding and both agree to involving a third party, do not run to someone else to fix your problems, especially when your partner is unaware you are doing so. There is no bigger betrayal of trust than this. You took an issue that was between the two of you and ran off to someone else to step in and fight your battles for you. Your other half who was unaware of your sly tactic is suddenly bombarded by someone other than you about what may or may not be a personal matter, regardless it was something that is to be kept between the two of you. With that you could so easily lose their trust in such a way that could be impossible to get back. The damages of doing such a thing could be irreparable. Trust is so closely tied to love, lose it and the love is destined for destruction. It is ludicrous to expect a marriage to survive once the trust is gone. How can you share a bed with someone you don’t trust? Might as well be sleeping with a stranger. 

On the other hand however, if the marriage is a destructive or God forbid an abusive one, then make haste and run to someone who can get you out! Yes, maintaining that trust between husband and wife is important but somehow that idea has been twisted. Those with abusive partners feel too scared to betray that trust, and nothing in a mutual relationship such as this should be done out of fear. What I'm saying here is that as important as it is to keep certain marital issues private between the two of you, it ain't that important!

In the end, I have come to the conclusion that an emotional connection is vital for any marriage (an apparent one I know, but I found it’s not always the case). If you love the person you are with, if you are open and honest, playing the other half will come easily to you and won’t feel like a chore. If you find that common ground where you are emotionally linked, find that level of comfort which suits you both, you are more likely to connect on other levels too. It would make marriage more effortless; you’re no longer making sacrifices, going out of your way to please the other simply for the sake of the marriage, it would be out of love and therefore you would be happy to do it.

After all, 'love lifts as up where we belong!' (so much for realistic expectations). 


  1. hey, i'm faisal's roommate and he showed me your blog some time ago. I really like it. Your ideas are very refreshing and restore some of my faith in the 'younger generation'. I really like how you can articulate your thoughts so well. I feel, however, a bit of cynicism.

    I would say a person should not try to define 'love'. To define it is to constrain it and put it in a category. I think love defies definition, which is why it can only be conveyed through poetry and art.

    Also, I think it is wrong to marry without glorious love (the kind that you think is a fantasy), because essentially you are condemning yourself to a life of limited happiness. I would not want to marry someone whom I only feel a weak form of love for. Because then it means settling for less. Is it worth settling for a mediocrity so that you can satisfy society's need to have 'married couples'?

    A person (actually it was Jim Rohn) told a story about a person who goes to the ocean to fetch water, but he only brings a teaspoon. If you only bring a teaspoon to the ocean to fetch water, you will not get much. God put us on earth and imbued us with the capacity for glorious love. To settle for anything less, is to not realize the magnificence of what he offered us.

    Getting married without love would be like getting distracted by the sand and never reaching the water line. Getting married because you are merely comfortable with each other ("open" and "honest") would be like fetching water from a puddle on the beach, without realizing there was a whole ocean.

    1. Hey there, great to hear your thoughts!

      I suppose you're right, I am a bit of a realist in that sense. I do believe in love and I believe strongly no marriage could survive without it, it is in no way limited to merely being open and honest. I just like to think that unrealistic expectations could be just as destructive as settling for mediocrity. Many issues with marriages nowadays is unrealistic expectation of love which are sadly not met within the marriage, hence initiating a life-long hunt for something they may never find. In a society and culture such as that of the Middle East, youth are limited in exposure to any form of relationship with the opposite sex - professional, platonic or otherwise - hence all they are left with are Disney-induced fairytale love stories.

      A person should definitely not limit themselves to a definition of love, I suppose I expressed this point incorrectly. What I meant is one should allow themselves to find out for themselves what love means to them. It is relative. Even the love conveyed in poetry and art has been conveyed and expressed in so many different ways through the eyes of many different people, that it rarely holds the same meaning and weight from person to person. Hence people relate to some more than others.

      Again, wonderful to hear your thoughts and thank you for your input!