Papa Don't Preach

The topic of this post has been itching to get out for some time, and it has been eating away at me inside all the while. It's a harsh reality that breaks my heart to just think about. It may not be the reality for everyone, but I'm sure at least some can relate.

"Unconditional love is loving your kids for who they are, not for what they do.... I don't mean that we like or accept inappropriate behavior, but with unconditional love we love the children even at those times when we dislike their behavior. Unconditional love isn't something you will achieve every minute of every day. But it is the thought we must hold in our hearts every day."

-Stephanie Martson

I know and fully understand that parents believe they know what is best for their children, and surely they mean well. But I would say their actions in some cases - or rather their misplaced values - would indicate otherwise even though I am sure it is not the case. The constant meddling in their children's lives seems to never end, regardless of gender, age, profession, or social status. I understand it is difficult to watch your child embark on what you firmly believe is a colossal mistake, but there must be a point where the authority takes on a more advisory role. You can't control everything forever. Making mistakes is part of growing up; it helps shape the person you become. It is necessary and inescapable part of life, even if the parents' worst case scenario actually does come true. Let's say a child has been signed up to be a part of a children's football league. As a parent, you could teach your child a hell of a lot more standing on the sidelines than you would playing the game for them. And this applies to all stages of life, on the field and off.

"The last step in parental love involves the release of the beloved; the willing cutting of the cord that would otherwise keep the child in a state of emotional dependence"

-Lewis Mumford

As we get older however, I feel some parents prove incapable of letting go. Then begins the emotional blackmail; obey us or you are on your own. The ultimatum that no child should ever be given. Even worse still, when they threaten your lifestyle, making it seem like the only reason why they believe you stick around is to continue living the comfortable life they have provided, and they whip out that long list of things they have done/sacrificed for you. It's such a shocking notion that it is rarely spoken of, but it breeds a powerful sense of disgust and resentment somehow that I don't think ever goes away.

Therefore the love of the parents - and with it the comforts afforded to you by them - are conditional on you acting as a vessel through which they themselves live based on how they believe it should be lived. If, by any degree, this vessel somehow veers off course, all hell breaks loose. It saddens me to see bright, young, capable people succumb to the life their parents impose on to them with complete disregard to what their children want or even need. It saddens me more to see such people ignorant of the blatant imposition on their lives; they are in a bubble of chronic sadness, the cause of which they will never truly discover.

It is in this idea of parents never letting go where I find a tragic injustice. And yes, it is to do with marriage -although it very well goes beyond that. When I see how some parents stand in the way of their children's marital bliss, over the most trivial of matters, my heart aches. Things like race, age, aesthetics, name, finances, and other material bits and bobs that never really determine one's happiness. When a father demands of his daughter's suitor a hefty dowry when he is in the beginning of his career, just because. When a mother refuses her son's choice because she doesn't have the right last name. When they father proclaims he has been shamed by the mere thought of his child marrying below their social class. What kind of message are you sending your children when you begin to judge people as such? What kind of values are you trying to uphold? How are these values enriching your lives and the lives of your children in any way?

They hear stories of people who have gone and disregarded such 'advice'. Oh, how cataclysmic it turned out to be, and the shame brought on those involved. Oh, the shame! But such stories exist regardless of who you marry, how, when, where. Shit happens. It happens whether you marry your choice or mother's choice or the neighbor's choice. So using such instances as reason enough to stand in your child's way for the sake of protecting them from a similar fate....is nonsense. Because shit happens regardless. Don't stand in the way of your children's happiness over ifs, buts and maybes. If you don't approve, by all means voice your concerns. Let your thoughts be known but leave the choice to them. Whatever that choice is, give them your blessing and pray to God you are wrong. And IF - God forbid - things go sour, be there for them. They made a mistake and they will learn from it. And hopefully be better parents because of it too. At least they won't resent you for preventing them from doing what they truly felt was right.

Even worse still is meddling post-marriage. Parents (read: mothers-in-law) I believe -deep down- mean well but are the source of so much trouble. They're like a hurricane that leaves a mess in its wake, only it doesn't realize it is a hurricane. If these kids ever have a chance in hell of happiness, constant interference from families in what is usually huge life decisions could rob them of the potential of marital bliss. They are inadvertently creating a rift between husband and wife with every time they stick their nose where it doesn't belong. Let your role be limited to giving advice, leaving the choice to the married couple and support them regardless. The irony is they do this when they themselves have likely been subjected to the exact same destructive interference and were miserable because of it. Yet they seem to be repeating the cycle.

What is more important: your child's happiness or the approval of those around you?

Life is too short and there is enough sadness in the world, we need to pursue happiness in whatever form we find it in. I beseech each and every one of you to really dig deep and try to realize what really matters in life, not what you are used to believing matters or what you are told matters. We all have the right to live our lives in pursuit of happiness.

Actions and RE-Actions

Meet Mike Falzone. An unexpected but endless source of wisdom. My favorite part is @1:25.

Actions really do speak louder than words. They are more potent. Doing the action without the commentary is even better. Let your actions speak for themselves because proclaiming what you do or why you do it does not really say much, especially before the deed is done (if in fact it is done). If anything, such self-made proclamations are usually false; it's usually what you think you do or what you'd like to see yourself as rather than what you actually do. If you want to be the person you claim to be, prove it. Show it in the way you carry yourself, in the way you treat others, in your attitude towards life. Don't just do so in front of those you wish to impress, turn around and put on a different mask. It's all about intentions - al-niyya - and believing that really having the right intention will ultimately guide your actions and guide it well. Even when it doesn't work out so well, as long as the true good intention is there it does actually count. At least it does in my eyes.

This is where introspection comes into play. This is why you need to spend time examining yourself; your intentions, your thoughts, your values and opinions. What is it that you see in yourself as good? How does that affect your conduct, if it affects it at all? What is it that you wish to see in yourself? How do you achieve that? How can you improve? What is it that you value most in life? Does it deserve such value? You start to ask yourself such questions, all the while examining your behavior as it is. Put them side to side, does it bode well for you? If you find yourself talking a lot of shit and never really backing it up it's okay, as long as you realize you're a bullshitter and attempt to sort that out. Now if you talk a lot of shit and don't think you do, you got problems. The problem isn't just that you lie to others but you lie to yourself in the process. What do you gain from peddling all that bullshit which more often than not is obvious to be so? You lose credibility as a person - as a fellow human - and people normally can sense the BS.

I can't stand people who just say crap which is usually wildly untrue just for the sake of pretending they know about said crap; the know-it-alls. Although this trait is not exclusive to a particular gender, men are far more likely to be in such situations. Men have a real problem admitting they don't know something. They only do when they know that 'knowing something' will lead them to doing something they just don't feel like doing, so in that case not knowing is more convenient. Otherwise, some people just can't accept the fact that there are some things they just don't know about, life has not led them down that path just yet. We are only human, it's okay to not know something. Even if yo do know quite a bit more than your average Joe, humility is a beautiful quality. However we are also in an age where information is so easily accessible, if you want to know about something, you very well can in minutes. Educate yourself and broaden your horizons! You don't have to wait for someone to push you to. There is a downfall to that though, because with all that information readily available, we have almost become dependent on it. We no longer attempt to withhold information because we can always go back and ask the same question again and again, no judgement from Google. But I digress.

Just as important as actions are one's reactions; how you react to certain situations or others' actions. Since you cannot control people's behavior, you can surely control your own to better react to the situation and sometimes even appease the person before you a little. But if - for example - someone explodes and you explode back, I assure you it will go nowhere.

I am a huge believer in taking the time to understand the person standing before you, regardless of who that person is. Everyone is going through stuff in their lives and it tends to spill all over the place. Even when it doesn't remotely concern you, you may end up being a target or a punching-bag of sorts. Try to envision what could cause them to spontaneously explode and make an effort to prevent the explosion or stop it in its tracks instead of adding fuel to the flame. The way you react could very well embarrass them as they realize how things have been blown hugely out of proportion, and that more often than not, it is over a trivial matter that could surely be resolved more peacefully. Empathy, my dear Watson, I assure you can go a long way.

If you can manage to adjust your conduct so that your initial response is not a vehement one, you will realize that life will run a bit more smoothly, for you and everyone else too. You could relieve yourself of that little bit of tension everyday until it all rolls away. Now I'm not saying we should all be passive in such situations, just gauge your reactions accordingly. I honestly feel we could attract more bees with honey than with vinegar. Even if you owe the person nothing, if they scowl.....then you smile. Kill 'em with kindness.

I came across this video which gives a small peak into various lives that are going in and out of a hospital, and ultimately in and out of our lives. As we pass by countless nameless people each day, we rarely think beyond our own life story. To us, they are mere extras. So try to envision those around you in a similar way; you rarely know of all the things anyone in your life is going through at any point in time, even those close to you. And I'm not saying we should always excuse people's behaviors, just seek to understand them better and understand what could be causing the behavior. Even so, lines can still be crossed just make sure they are reasonably placed lines.

I read something around the world wide web that really stuck with me:

Time decides who you meet in your life, your heart decides who you want in your life, but behavior decides who will stay in your life.

Listen...

It's not as easy as it appears...listening. You may be hearing something but listening actually requires you to process what you hear a little further. The wonders of listening are endless, but people seem to be doing it less and less. They may hear what you're saying, they may even sense your tone, but they could just pick up a word you said and just run with it hoping to God they have not exposed themselves to be far away from the conversation. Miscommunication from poor listening or lack thereof give rise to many issues most of which are trivial. Have you ever witnessed a conversation (more like an argument) where both parties are saying so much but it seems neither one actually heard what the other said? Instead, each party is more concerned with expelling what it is THEY want to say with complete disregard to what the other is saying.

Maybe the digital age is to blame. Have we gotten so used to reading and re-reading text at our 'earliest' convenience to reply only to confirm that we read? Only to take our time to calculate what to say; type, delete, type, erase, type, edit, type, send. When read off a screen, what is being typed in is sometimes not understood the same way when read out. Written and telephonic methods of communication are a blessing sometimes, but they certainly cannot compare to or do the job of face-to-face contact. That is also another cause of miscommunication in my opinion. But I digress.

There are various ways to categorize the different kinds of listening, but the following is more relevant and also sums it up quite nicely. The categories are as follows:

1. Inactive listening: That's when you hear noise but your mind is elsewhere.
2. Selective listening: You choose what you want to hear and run with it like an idiot.
3. Active listening: When the noise is actually processed as words and you are aware of what those words mean.
4. Reflective listening: This is listening while you engage with what is being said. This is like advanced level stuff, not a lot of people seem to be capable of doing it.

I know it seems a bit much to be fully aware and ready to really 'listen' at a moment's notice. You're brain is sometimes preoccupied making it difficult to focus when it is time to. And sometimes you really don't need to be listening intently. Other times, listening is so valuable.

I don't know about guys in this respect, but girls sometimes feel the need to talk and have someone actively listen.

Just listen.

We don't want an opinion,. We don't want a solution. We certainly don't want criticism. We just want to unload the matter off our chest. In some situations we may want your opinion or help, but you will know when that is. Just because you don't need to really have any input, doesn't mean you don't need to listen. On the contrary, it is vital that you listen intently! It's a sign of intimacy, and not necessarily in a romantic way. This could be our version of a cry for help I suppose. Or maybe this is something we are telling you because we want you to know. We feel comfortable and close enough to you to just let you in our heads for a brief time - guard down and completely vulnerable - as we regurgitate our thoughts and emotions that we have been struggling to suppress. So when we are in such a fragile state and you can't be bothered to pay attention long enough for that, forgive us for being upset, but I believe in such cases we have every right to be.

This applies to every possible form of human relationship, certainly the close ones at least. Just being there for someone to simply listen is a testament of how the person before you loves and cares for you. Allowing someone to just talk while you just listen with very little input on your part may not seem like much, but showing someone you care to hear what they have been thinking/feeling is.

Bad listeners: those who simply like to hear themselves talk, or are arrogant enough - even rude enough - to belittle what's being said, always cutting in to say what THEY think of the matter, ignoring how others may feel. Those who always have an answer for everything, and it's usually the wrong one. Those who always somehow turn the whole ship around and have the audacity to make it about themselves. Yeah, those assholes..not the best listeners. That could be because they simply don't care, or they are in desperate need of a listener themselves but are probably too proud to admit it or allow it.

It does require a little sensitivity to recognize when someone needs you to be there for them to listen. But it really does allow you to get closer and closer to a person; to understand them better and consequently show them that you deserve their trust. You'll slowly be able to read beyond what is being said to what is being  thought and even felt. If you are with someone you cannot be bothered to do such a thing for, you are with the wrong person. You should not be with someone if you have to censor your thoughts and feelings with them either, calculating everything that's being said.

Some people have it the wrong way, though. They are always on alert and firmly believe that whatever words you use to form whatever sentences you make is not what you mean, when that's exactly what it boils down to. You know them, they over-analyze and insist there's something 'up' when there's absolutely nothing up or down. That's taking it a bit to far, me thinks. Then you have some people who just fail to properly communicate what they think and have the worst choice of words. Put those two together and the relationship just might work out, or be one disastrous miscommunication after the other.

Don't underestimate the simple power of listening, but don't push it Freud...

رفقاً بالقوارير...والقدور

I think one of the strangest phenomena we encounter on a daily basis is just how differently men and women see things. It isn't the first time I discuss this, nor will it be the last. We function differently (here are the numbers to prove it!), and for that reason sometimes have difficulty communicating. Both have unspoken expectations of the other and that are just lost in space somewhere. The message never quite gets across the way you want it to. Many a time relationships have dwindled for having such expectations but never communicating them. And even when you say one thing and mean another, you expect the other person to understand what you mean, not what you say, then get upset when they haven't...! Even worse is when you say nothing at all and expect it to just be known. Things like pride get in the way.

Men, I feel, sometimes forget how fragile women are. Yes, we can be seen as 'vulnerable' sometimes, though not to be confused for weakness. A woman can be the epitome of strength and independence, but she is still a woman. She might not even admit she's fragile and would resist ever exposing that side, but you need to look beyond it. I wish more men would take the time to try and understand just how much a woman endures just for being a woman. It may seem that there's not much to it but that certainly is not the case. Especially nowadays when more women are proving capable of doing exactly what it is men are supposedly built to do - sometimes better - despite the constant opposition from all sides, both male and female, trying to get her to just sit down, shut up and look pretty. Meeting the high standards of being 'pretty' alone is exhausting. Kicking ass and looking fabulous doing it is no easy feat, and I must insist men start giving women credit for that alone.

What breaks my heart even more are those women who have yet to realize just how capable they can be. For some reason they have been suppressed - by others or even by themselves - and left to think they will never be better than they already are. They are left believing they are exactly where they should be and don't deserve any better. The woman who obsesses over how she looks, spending hours grooming herself believing she is not pretty enough to face the world without it, or has nothing more to offer besides aesthetics.  The woman who is on a chronic 'diet' or a succession of diets that never seem to end. Even worse is the woman who spends no time taking care of herself whatsoever, feeling she is a lost cause. I can't help but wonder what it is that makes them feel so defeated? I ask you, dear reader, the same question.

A woman, in addition to the many known qualities, has this ability for compassion that has no bounds, but having to fight against stereotypes constantly has more or less forced her to strip herself of that compassion, or at least mask it, in order to appear a worthy opponent to her male counterpart or even to just appear worthy in the eyes of her male counterpart. She must rid herself of what comes naturally to her; what should be seen as an asset, is made out to be a liability. Worst of all is the opposition from her fellow females; spiteful women who are either complacent or merely jealous that she had the courage to do what they themselves know they can also do but don't. There are women that do, and women that don't, and they all hate on each other because they secretly know women can do and should do. But I digress.

All things considered, yes, there will be mood swings. Yes, there will be inexplicable rants and fits of rage. Yes, oh yes, there will be many tears. This is our coping mechanism. You don't have to like it, you may never understand it, but with all the shit a woman has to put up with we may reach a point where we just implode. After a couple implosions you may get an explosion which may seem like it came out of nowhere, but believe me it came from everywhere. When this happens, don't go telling her she's overreacting. Don't go wide-eyed and panic at the sight of her. It comes with being female so don't fault her for being one. Then again don't just stand on the sidelines and watch her crash and burn. Even some women out there may not comprehend what it is I mean, but I'm sure most can relate.

Tread carefully though, because here's where it gets tricky. Different girls want different things. They do that thing where they say one thing and mean another, or say a lot of contradicting things because they just don't know how to properly get the message across. It is something we are all guilty of but in such cases it's really hard to verbalize what is going on inside. Some like to be left alone to cool down while others want as much attention and coddling as humanly possible. Sometimes the same girl would want both but for different situations. I'll leave that down to your sound, wise judgement. It will require trying different methods, testing the waters before reacting appropriately. At times, doing the wrong thing just might be better than doing nothing at all.

It is also these situations that would make a woman feel like she is with someone who understands, or at least tries to. At least she feels she is with someone who sees her. If she doesn't have your attention, believe me she will have someone else's. Be careful not to push her into someone else's arms, and then wonder why it happened (that does go both ways). It's the small things that count. You may shower her with gifts and take her all around the world, but you're too busy to spend a whole 5 minutes with her. You may be working your ass of to provide or continue providing a home for her and taking care of the children, but you spend your free time with 'the guys'. You may challenge her intellectually on a level only known to few but don't make the effort to call her back. You may feel you are flipping backwards and forwards for her, in a way most women would envy, but you may just be doing the wrong thing to try to please the right girl.

If you have been doing the same thing with the last X number of girls you've been with; giving the same compliments, telling the same stories, buying the same type of gifts for the same type of occasions even in the same price range and packaging, taking her to the same restaurants and same trips, maybe even feeling the same feelings....you know something is up. The same sweet gestures and the same surprises and the same pattern in general with X different women...? No wonder they all ended. Stop thinking about what it is girls want and focus on what this girl wants.

Women, on the other hand, tend to forget how proud men can be. I know it may be hard to believe, but men like to be men. Who would've thought?! So let him be one. Yes, we know women are highly capable, and you don't need to be a downright bimbo, just let him do his thing...humor him! They want to be the muscle around the house; they want to open jars and kill spiders, and I don't necessarily mean that literally (although I personally believe that is a rather important male role). They want to be able to take care of their own, and that includes their family. In return they want to be treated as head of the household.

Downside, some men want to be treated as such but don't deserve to be. So when you encounter that sort of proud man, I say bruise his ego every chance you get. He doesn't deserve such consideration and respect and sadly will never own up to his incompetence as a man and a human and will continue to punish everyone around him for it. Worst of all, men don't talk. Men have this annoying tendency to bottle things up. I've encountered men who are happy to walk away from a conversation having made their own interpretation of what was said rather than actually discussing it. Others who do the opposite, try to create an alternative interpretation of what has actually been said, one that is more to their liking. All this happens in their head though. Their actions reflect it, but we have no way of knowing where it came from. It's like they made an executive decision to behave a certain way and expect us feeble women to accept this change in behavior, no questions asked. Why? Because men always know better, right?

I know a lot of what I say about men is contradicting, but I must say you men are a contradicting bunch! And I know I shouldn't be generalizing here but there is no denying; just as women have this immense capacity to empathize, men have an equally immense capacity to be assholes. Demanding respect and consideration and offering nothing in return renders you more or less useless in my eyes. And I'm not talking in a materialistic sense, I am referring to the duty of a man towards his kin in general. Some men are just assholes to the world and are a disgrace to the human race. Men are capable of asshole-osity in ways that far exceed what women could ever dream of being capable of. I refuse to believe women would have allowed some of the atrocities in the world today to have ever been conceived as an idea let alone actually happened. Perhaps I'm giving women too much credit, perhaps not. But I have never seen such a lack of compassion in women as I have seen so in men, even throughout history. But I digress.

Live and Let Live

Before I get into the heart of the matter, I wanted to share what I feel is a very powerful video displaying the realities we face today, and in some way could prepare your mind for the topic at hand. It helps you step back and look at the bigger picture to fully comprehend what is going on around you. Sometimes we are trapped in a bubble for so long, we need to step out and look at the bubble from the outside to better understand what is going on around us, and what choice(s) we have in the matter.

No one can control everything around them, least of all the people around them. The only thing you are in control of is yourself. How you behave, sometimes how you think, very rarely can you control how you feel. Regardless, you can never manipulate those around you into saying and thinking what you want them to about you. Despite your best efforts, there will always be those who will find some thing or another to nitpick at. So why bother yourself with adjusting your conduct and the way you live your life for the sake of what others 'might' say or think?

It....is.....exhausting!

It is near impossible to lead a pristine, socially-accepted life. Not because we are all bad people, but because there will always be not-so-pristine assholes who are so miserable and unhappy with their lives, so much so that they feel the need to somehow hate on yours. You cannot control that. So why let it get to you? Why force yourself into this little box that society set up for you when there will always be people that will expect you to fit in a tube instead. Why bother?! You form yourself into whatever polygonal shape you please and don't let anyone tell you any different. Doesn't even have to be a polygon, whatever form or anti-form you want!

I really fail to see the point in this charade. All it does is keep you from really living and enjoying life. All you should really be concerned with is your own life, and by extension those who are intrinsically a part of your life. Anyone else; if they like it, hey come on in, otherwise there's the door. There is absolutely no need to concern yourself with such people at all and more importantly allow them to affect you, your life, and your happiness. Don't let anyone rain on your parade, they're only making it rain over in their parade so just take another route.

We all reach a point in our lives where the ideals, values and principles we develop can sometimes clash with that of society or even to those around us from family and friends. When that point comes you are faced with choices; one must decide what kind of man/woman you want to be, how you want to live out your life, how you can sleep at night, how you can be happy with the way you are and the way you would like to be. More importantly, how to do that without isolating yourself from those you may disagree with. The question is...is that possible? I don't know, I hope so. Surely it is better to try that rather than to conform or isolate oneself.

I cannot stress this enough:

Live and let live!

Live. Live life. Live openly, honestly and with conviction. Make your own choices in your life believing wholeheartedly they are the choices you want to make for yourself. Eliminate all the unnecessary buzzing around you and strip it back to the basics; you. What matters to you and only you.

I want to start some sort of campaign all over the world to spread the good word. You get off my case, I'll get off yours, and there you have it. That easy. Best part is, even if they don't get off your case, get off theirs anyway and don't trouble yourself with such pettiness. Brush it off your shoulder. Let it roll off like water off a duck's back. Cuz in the end..

Peace out...

(Un)Conditional Love

I read an interesting piece by Ziad El-Hady - aka my future husband, he just doesn't know it yet - entitled The Essence of Romantic Love is Nothingness. Funnily enough, I agree with everything he had to say, except for his main point; that relationships are built structures with no foundation, under constant and likely threat of de-construction (such a nicer way to say destruction). Maybe I'm being hopeful here, but I'd like to think that is not true.

One point he did make which rung very true is that there is no such thing as unconditional love. If you consider relationships you've been in but ended, relationships you may or may not have been unconditionally in love. Of those you did see yourself as unconditionally in love, surely it wouldn't have ended if it was truly unconditional, right? Let's say it ended because of an indiscretion of some sort, therefore your love is conditional on fidelity. If it ended because one or both parties 'changed', ergo love is conditional on remaining exactly the same as you did when you first entered the relationship. Somehow, you start to see that love actually is - and always was - conditional! To me the idea of unconditional love is exactly what gets people in trouble; people get swept away by the fairy tale idea until they are faced with the reality of it all. They just end up hugely disappointed. Worse still, instead of believing that their idea of this romantic love is indeed a misconception, they simply believe they just haven't found it yet. So they just abort mission and try again instead of genuinely attempting to change their understanding of love and apply it to their already existing structure. Some might even go RomCom and fight for this love believing that it is there, when it is not. If I had to say some form of love was unconditional, to me it would be the love towards parents and immediate family, even if I do feel at times their love for me could be under the condition that I do as they say or expect, but I digress.

Back to the idea of a foundation-less love. The conclusion reached would make sense based on the overall argument, but I can't help but feel something is missing. Perhaps it's the idea that 'romantic' love is not necessarily imperative in a happy, healthy relationship. Maybe it's a different kind of love. And it is upon finding that love you are able to lay down the foundations of a lasting relationship. A love that is not alone. A love that comes with mutual respect, understanding, trust, compassion, joy, empathy, acceptance and even humor. The all-consuming love, the blinding can't-live-without-you love is unstable and inconsistent. The higher the highs, the lower the lows. It is euphoric though, the 'high'. And once you get a taste of it, that's all you want and you want it all the time. So when something comes along to rock your love boat, panic ensues along with questions, doubts and fear of never getting that feeling of euphoria again. I've said it before and I'll say it again....love is a dangerous thing. Yes, it is beautiful, but the power it yields is immense and could feel threatening. Very threatening.

The problem I see is that such unrealistic expectations of this 'romantic' love, along with the list of personal criteria one has for their ideal partner may need a little tweaking. Not to mention the chronic fear of being alone, which by far I find is the biggest obstacle one must face (and many, many don't even bother to). All, I feel, begin from within.

"A man who - as a physical being - is always turned toward the outside, thinking that his happiness lies outside him, finally turns inward and discovers that the source is within him"

- Søren Kierkegaard

Let's address this fear of being alone. A lot of people would never admit to see their relationships for what they really are: a distraction. Oh the amount of relationships I have witnessed and wanted to call bullshit...but didn't because people are sensitive to that sort of thing. I see people somehow find themselves in a relationship with someone, usually after a break-up or a rejection of some sort, or even based on sheer attraction. They try to force it to fit into this mold and endlessly try to manipulate it to make it spell 'happily ever after' but it simply won't. They use the rare, fleeting moments of happiness or 'highs' to justify their attempts, clinging on to the hope that more of this would come. In some cases it just goes terribly wrong and ends for good (might end a couple times before it's officially ended because fear can sometimes make one redundant). Other cases, they manage to spell 'appily e'er after' or something similar and simply make do with what they have, not knowing that over time, the letters will get jumbled up again and you will no longer have the energy or want to make the effort to manipulate it back into place anymore. Admittedly, in some rare cases, with time and effort the letters may eventually start spelling out the correct phrase. That, however, is a hope we all cling on to in such cases, but we need to be able to distinguish where there is hope, and where there is none.

"Nowadays we live in a world which is paradoxical. We pursue happiness and it leads to resentment and it leads to unhappiness. And it leads, in fact, to an explosion of mental illness." 

- Psychiatrist Iain McGilchrist

All this, why? Because being alone or single is seen as a failure, in any culture! If you are single, clearly something is wrong with you. Why doesn't anyone want you? I see it's the other way around though; it's not that no one wants you but you don't want anyone...yet. You have not found yourself ready, you have not yet figured out what it is you want in order for you to finally be able to find someone you want, or even want someone you already found. You have to know what it is you want before you can know whether you want someone or not. That's not easy to do though. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes complete, unhindered, unadulterated and uncensored honesty. You have to face yourself, know yourself, love yourself. Embrace all that is you both good and bad, until the 'flaws' become your perfections. You have to be happy and comfortable in your own skin and mind to reach a state where you don't feel you need to be with someone to avoid loneliness, but rather you want to be with someone to further enrich your life.

"To venture causes anxiety, but not to venture is to lose one's self...and to venture in the highest is precisely to be conscious of one's self"

- Søren Kierkegaard

So I ask that you allow yourself to venture. Find yourself first - personally, physically, professionally - so that along your venture you may cross paths with the person meant to be yours.

Butterfly Effect goes "Sophie's World"

N.B. Sophie's World is a novel by Norwegian author Jostein Gaarder about a young girl's introduction to the world of philosophy. It was either that or The Matrix for the title.

Now that the title has been explained, let's move on...

As I was sitting with 2 others having one of those truly entertaining evenings filled with the right amount of laughter, random conversations and interesting discussions, one of them says “I wish so-and-so was with us”. This of course was said out of love, wishing the presence of another to enjoy the evening with us. However, had this person been with us, would we have had the exact same evening?

Once that thought was up in the air, we went into deep discussion on what that meant, and we have settled on the following:

Each person on this Earth has a certain link or relationship with another person that is unique to that person. What that means is that, for example, if you can say you are friends with two people, your friendship with one person is not identical to your friendship with the other. The dynamic between two people is a two way street, and it is the combination of both ways which ultimately creates the unique relationship between the two of you. This can be felt most when socializing one-on-one. You have the friend who you tell your every thought to, the friend who makes you laugh, the friend with all the gossip, the friend with all the answers, the friend you don’t really know much about but just thoroughly enjoy their company. You could be friends with someone despite obvious differences, but a shared experience or hardship brought you closer. Did you ever meet two people who were so close but surprisingly so different?

You never have the same conversation with two people; even when you’re talking about the same thing, it can never be experienced twice - exactly identical - even with the same person. It is the amalgamation of everything you've ever been exposed to in your life from personalities, backgrounds, experiences to ideals and opinions, etc., along with where you are in your life journey, that make us all who we are as individuals, and more or less define what kind of people (e.g. friends) we will be. And when two beings come in contact, all aspects of you come into play somehow. The dynamic is created by feeding off of what is happening before you and you respond accordingly.Therefore, if you change the person before you to someone with a different combination of life exposure (or lack thereof), the dynamic will alter with it according to how your being interacts with theirs; two-way street. Add a third person, and the dynamic is no longer a two-way street but six, maybe even more. Once you increase the number of players, the setting becomes all the more complex and harder to control because you're adding more variables as well as various combinations of those variables flying back and forth between all those present.

So we have established that no two relationships can be identical. That does not mean that you necessarily love one person more or less than another, you could say you just love them differently. I can say I love both my parents equally more than any other living thing on this planet, but there is no doubting that my relationship with my mother is nothing like my relationship with my father, similarly those relationships are unique to any others.

Okay, so at this point our theory is starting to make sense to us, and the discussion is heating up as we all fight to say what we’re thinking only to find we are all thinking the same thing but saying it differently. It is because of these different dynamics among people that no scenario can occur exactly as it has if one person was missing or even added. As the three of us were sitting, we realized that this discussion has resulted from the combination of dynamics between us, and it would not have played out the same way if there was a fourth person, regardless of who that person was, even if they were just sitting quietly in a corner or in another room altogether. We didn't know if we could attribute it to one’s ‘energy’ or ‘aura’ or if we could say this was some form of the ‘butterfly effect’, we just felt we were onto something here.

Then we pushed it a little further; had we had different seating arrangements, had we been sitting in an entirely different location, had it been slightly colder or warmer, had it been earlier or later, had there been food or had there been a TV playing 90s music videos, would this evening have played out the same way?

For example, had a certain song been playing which lead one of us to tell a story about that song, or perhaps refer us to another song, the conversation would have been steered in an entirely different direction. We might have gone down the YouTube path introducing song after song to each other, or we may have spent it telling similar stories to the one the first song sparked up initially. Imagine the possible different routes that night could have taken based on that song in the background. Imagine how different those routes could be from song to song. The song could very well have just played in the background with no effect to the evening at all. Or it could have gone by barely unnoticed if not for the one person who suddenly had a change in mood.

Whoa...

At this point our minds began to spin and we called it quits. But it did get me thinking about relationships in terms of the unique dynamic between any two people; how can you expect the kind of relationship you will have with your significant other before meeting them? How can one have expectations when there is no saying what kind of dynamic you two will create? Not just that, but once officially a married couple, who knows what kind of changes to this dynamic could occur when under one roof. Such a change in the situation of the relationship could very well destroy it. Maybe you two worked as a couple when each of you led separate lives, but not so much when you shared one? Maybe you worked together three years ago when you first met, but grew up and grew apart? Or even vice versa, you didn’t work then but you could very well work now. Maybe you work when away from family and friends in total isolation, otherwise you allow people to get involved in your relationship and ultimately ruin it. Perhaps you are the perfect couple to be in the public eye, but do not work behind closed doors.

Such unforeseeable circumstances I attribute to the final pillar I called ‘Life’. This, to me, is the miscellaneous category of marriage. It is ultimately the hardest category to face and accept because it does not exactly affect how you feel or interact, but does in fact govern your life together or at least the probability of it ever happening. This isn't limited to aspects of emotion and personal growth, it also includes general circumstances in life. It is painful to accept not being with the person you really and truly feel has been catered to be your partner because, say, you come from different parts of the world, or you are at different stages in your life. This is something that may be overcome, yes, but in some circumstances, they are not. Sometimes it's not outside influences keeping you from being together, but between the two of you, your individual life 'lines' have not yet met on the all-encompassing plane of life.

But, hey....that’s life.