"Moments in Love"

The title of this post is in fact a title of a song by Art of Noise, a song that this post is based on. I, for one, adore this song. My mom actually first heard it on the radio some time in the late 90s and went around to different record stores humming the tune in search for this mysterious track. Three CD purchases later, she finally found the track. Although, at the time all I really listened to (almost exclusively) was Ginuwine and Dru Hill, I still liked this track, as did all my siblings and anyone who had the pleasure of riding in my mom's car. As I grew older I continued to like it more and more. The older I got, the more I listened to it, the more the title made sense. At 10+ minutes, it's a long track but totally worth it, so give it a listen. If it's not to your liking, don't force yourself, you'll still get the message. I have yet to meet someone who doesn't like it so humor me and let me know if you don't (just to make sure y'all exist).

What I love most about this track is how it shifts in mood, to the point it reaches a very ominous, perhaps even a little frightening, mood at some point (@ 6:50-ish). It doesn't sound overly lovey-dovey either. It's sometimes serene, upgrades to a more sporadic serenity, there are pauses, and it even completely shifts into total chaos for a while before shifting back to the usual rhythm. I know these may not be the most technical descriptions, but hopefully you get the point. 

I love this song because it reflects the true moments in love in a way I feel is accurately depicted. It's hardly ever constant, far from perfect, but it still is love. Things will get hard, things will go wrong; over the silliest things or not. The important thing is to not give up so easily or too soon. It's so easy to face hardships and just bow out altogether, because in the back of our heads we somehow feel divorce is always a choice and many people take it the first chance they get. It's like the plane getting a little turbulence and you just jump off the plane anyway to avoid the bumpy ride. But where does that leave you? In the middle of Timbuktu, that's where! 

Sometimes the idea of divorce comes out as a horrible reaction, almost used as a weapon, without really considering the consequences of what's being said. Personally, I know myself to be a bit extreme in what I intend to do following an argument, which is why I like to put a lid on it before I say something I regret. So many different methods of retaliation go through my mind by the minute. Some are immediate and some are more long-term, maybe even evil. But after distracting myself long enough (time of distraction is proportional to level of anger), these reactionary diabolical schemes begin to subside and seem absurd even though the anger remains. It does tend to linger for a while. But eventually it does go away. Whether in a minute, hour, day, year(s), it does go away. Sometimes you need to put up with the feeling of anger for a while but don't let it govern your actions, especially ones you are likely to regret later. Therefore the idea of divorce should not be one borne out of frustration. And it shouldn't be announced to the world either, especially when it is most likely not happening. Now you have made your private marital matters public, and people will always wonder and secretly judge you for still being together. Keep such matters between you for as long as possible. 

Ultimatums like "do this or divorce" are just a low blow in my opinion. You're using your value to a person to get what you want. It's like your reducing the value of your whole relationship too just to use it as a bargaining tool. I'd hate to see the day they choose divorce over giving you what you want, and that is precisely what you're setting yourself up for. Divorce is not some sort of trump card. If you choose to do it because you're just not working together, then yeah I guess maybe that's fine. Although I believe such things could have been detected before becoming man and wife, that isn't always the case. In all fairness, there is always a point where divorce is imminent, and there's nothing wrong with that. But don't threaten with divorce every time things get a bit rough. On the other hand, don't delay the inevitable either. If you are destined for divorce, don't put it off. If you both feel that you cannot continue in the marriage, don't force each other to stay in order to save face or for the children's sake. Believe me the children are better off living in two whole homes than one broken one.

Now what happens when one side really and truly wants out but the other side doesn't in the least? To be honest, I really don't know. It's easy to tell married couples that they have to work it out, and that these hardships are normal. But they aren't all normal. There is a point where divorce is the only, perhaps even the most amicable, solution. I guess it's a bit pointless forcing someone to remain a part of a marriage they genuinely no longer find themselves in. In cases like this maybe it is best to just let go, even when you don't want to. But if you so desperately want out when your other half is fighting to keep you, maybe you may need to reconsider your decision (that is if divorce is not being refused merely out of spite). This person is fighting for someone who clearly wants nothing to do with them, doesn't that say something at least? At least half of you believe divorce can be avoided and you can overcome this. 

A Little Space Goes a Long Way

As promised, the issue of couples having the same group of friends will be addressed! 

It sounds ideal doesn’t it; socializing together with other couples (or singles), having everything out in the open. Just one big happy shillah. Something about the idea I find unsettling though. In my head, couples who always socialize together have one heck of a car ride home to look forward to! A lot of “why did you say this?” and “what did you do that for?” I’m sure. Let’s not forget “you embarrassed me in front of all our friends!” oh dear! What you see on the ever-so-popular TV show FRIENDS is not normal. It is not normal to always and forever be involved in a single group of friends together with very limited friendships beyond that. It is not healthy! It’s always good to diversify.

Sharing friends, or situations where ‘my friends become your friends’ are slightly worrying. Maybe I’m thinking with the end in mind here, and how bloody awkward it would be for everyone involved if the relationship didn't work out. Who gets custody of the friends?! Or if you're in the middle of an argument, who gets to hang out with the friends?

Seriously though, without being too cynical, it’s nice to have friends outside the marriage who are your friends alone. Sure your friends can come round with their spouses for a couples’ night every now and then, and maybe you even do share some friends. But make sure you have a social life beyond that, one that is your own. You don’t have to be attached at the hip and do everything together. Not every event has to be attended together; you’re no Hollywood or royal couple where people will talk if one of you doesn’t show. As Khalil Gibran so wisely said in the The Prophet: 

‘Let there be spaces in your togetherness’.

I can never ever deny the truth in the saying ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’. And that goes duly for a marriage. I mean your spouse becomes the single person you see the most on a daily basis, day-in and day-out. As much as the thought of being away from your partner might be too much to bear sometimes, you need a healthy dose of you! You need to allow yourselves to miss one another. So any chance to do so should be welcomed. True, you do share a life now, but that shouldn't keep you from tending to yourself - love thyself!

I don’t believe one must wait for an excuse to get some space either. Let him have his boys' nights and let her have her girls' nights. If you don’t get a chance to get space, then create it! I suppose people might be sensitive towards the idea and feel their spouse is running away from them or is fed up with them, or that in doing so you are actively creating distance. However with the right amount of distance every now and then it could ultimately strengthen your relationship (too much would be a piss take). Both of you should allow the other to get this space without any hard feelings. Let it be something you both accept from time to time - before the space appears after an argument or fall-out of any kind by force. Just a regular dose of space can do wonders to a relationship. Sometimes this space can be in the form of a weekly or monthly trip/ritual e.g. he goes hunting while she spends the day at the spa. Or it can be in the form of a longer trip like visiting a friend or relative in another city/country. Through such absence you can actually miss each other and renew that excitement of reuniting.

Just be careful you don’t drift too far apart. Allow there to be space between you but make sure that space is not constant. Allow yourselves to lead separate lives but do not squeeze each other out. To me this is also a sign of trust; you trust your partner enough to not have to be a part of and actively involved in each and every aspect of their life. However, if I am with someone whom cannot be trusted this way, actually I wouldn't be with them in the first place! I wouldn't be comfortable with someone who I have to track their every move to keep them in check. Don't live your life supervising your spouse; you will both grow to be paranoid and find yourself doing things you never dreamed of doing because of it. Also, make sure it's mutual; he can't get his guy trips if you can't get some sort of equivalent.

Believe it or not,  I've seen married couples who have assigned certain days in which their spouses can see their friends. Please don't let it get to that, that's just sad. I honestly didn't know what to say to that when I first saw it, and I honestly still don't know what to say to that now. You're not a parent here, you're a spouse. This level of control over each other's life is unhealthy in my eyes. 

Holstee Manifesto

Read about the inspirational story and team behind this manifesto here

This sort of tenacity and lust for life is what fuels my views towards self-love. But it also re-enforces my belief in the power of perspective. Sometimes we may get stuck in the cyclic daily patterns of modern life that we forget to pause and reflect. We reach a state of mysterious unhappiness amidst this repetative cycle because we forget to click refresh, recharge our batteries, stop and smell the roses, or whatever other idiom there is to just stop, inhale, exhale. And this is why I feel having regular 'me' time is so valuable. You need to give yourself a chance to just breathe for starters, and also to just think. It is in these times that you allow yourself to fully reflect on you, your life, what is happening in and around you.

A huge advantage is being able to finally realize what a little change in perspective could do to make life easier for you. When you allow yourself to stop and think of why you keep losing your keys, for example, you are able to find the root of the problem and better address it rather than getting more and more frustrated with yourself every time you lose your keys. You may even begin to realize how your constant frustration over losing your keys could have some sort of ripple effect throughout the rest of your day. So imagine how a little tweak in attitude could ultimately improve how your day goes.

The real value here, is when you adjust your perspective when it comes to your relationships with the people around you. You are having difficulty with someone at work; what is the common theme if there is any? Is it something only you are dealing with? Is it harmful or harmless? Could their troubles at home possibly be affecting their behavior and conduct? Maybe their behavior stems from fear, insecurity or just downright immaturity. And the list goes on. I don't see this as digging for excuses, to me this is the search for empathy. All it takes is a little empathy to adjust your perspective which will then allow you to face the problem head on, or at least be able to put up with it to a reasonable extent. It is in such adjustments that you start to begin to understand more about human behaviors that surround you, and you are more able to empathize rather than frustrate yourself time and time again. It is in this compassion and consideration that ultimately grants you just that much more peace of mind (like I said, no such thing as a selfless good deed, but no harm in being a little selfish here!).

You are better able to deal with people around you the more people you meet. Your ability to empathize grows and as does your patience. It may require some discipline, yes, but to me it is well worth it. Things start to make so much sense once you begin to understand. This doesn't necessarily solve all your problems but it helps lessen the load. When you have dedicated time to actually think about a certain matter long enough you are better able to make an informed decision on how to proceed, or at least it gets you just that much closer to doing so. Don't bury your problems in the back of your mind, unload them regularly at your own pace instead of drowning in them until the day comes when you just explode without warning.

Therefore you should always seek to understand, not judge. Seek to make friends, not enemies.Seek to build bridges, not break them. Realize the power of empathy and the value of human understanding. You are not always the victim, sometimes you're just caught in the crossfire. Learn to just forgive rather than hold grudges. That will do so much more than reacting - or rather overreacting - without thinking.

I know this is terribly mainstream of me, but I adore this song! It never fails to make me smile, even the video. Good night my beautiful people <3 

Love Thyself – Ain’t No Shame in a Little Self-Love

"It's been said that we can't love another until we learn to love ourselves. Not the narcissistic love that seeks a glimpse of itself in every mirror or shop window we pass but the kind of love that ensures that we take care of ourselves first before we take care of our family and friends"

-Anonymous

For starters I would like to wish everyone Ramadan Mubarak, may this holy month be a blessed one for you and your loved ones. This has been a post I have been eager to post for quite some time now. During such happy times when we're constantly surrounded by family and friends we tend to neglect ourselves completely, and no one pays the price more dearly than you.

We are human. We always feel the need for companionship in any and possibly every form (if you’re lucky enough). We see preteens on TV sitcoms fall in love with their first crush, and then onto their first boyfriend/girlfriend and it just snowballs from one relationship to another. We see it in the movies we watch, the books we read and the music we listen to; endless portrayals of perpetual relationships in hopes of finding love and happiness, we end up looking for it in the wrong places. This desperate need to find a life partner, eternal companionship, a guarantee to never be alone, perhaps leads us to neglect what's important and lose who we are in the process. We may end up compromising where we shouldn’t. It’s almost as if we are led to believe we are not good enough as we are on our own, and we need some form of reassurance or acceptance from someone else. Before you know it, you are conforming to the life of another person and neglecting yourself; the dreams you once had, the things you once loved, the goals you wanted to achieve. Don’t get me wrong, not all relationships are such, and surely there is no relationship without compromise. But it does happen in some cases; the minute you are linked to another person too soon, you suddenly take a back seat to your own life. Let yourself grow first; don't stunt your growth by getting involved with someone too soon. Find happiness within yourself, don't expect it to fall on your lap or be handed to you.

Somehow the idea of being selfish is seen as an entirely bad thing, but I don't think it's all bad. Yes, there is no selfless good deed but that's only because in certain circumstances, being selfish is okay. It is this blogger’s humble opinion that there cannot be love and happiness with another if you do not first find it within yourself. This is a belief I always had, but it was upon watching a talk on 'Habits of Happiness' given by French neuroscientist turned Buddhist monk Matthieu Ricard, that led me to reach for a pen and paper and articulate this philosophy of mine for the first time. The words poured out so quickly and passionately, it somehow reinforced my belief in them simply by writing it down. I cannot stress this enough: Love thyself! If you feel a void within, don’t expect someone else to fill it for you, especially when they may have a void of their own they are looking to fill. So far, this is what I've come up with:

1. Love yourself. If you cannot bring yourself to love you, how can you expect others to? Acknowledge your imperfections but know that no one is perfect. Take the good with the bad because it will never always be good. Be comfortable with who you are just as you are and accept yourself wholeheartedly. Others will follow.
2. Don’t judge others or yourself. It won’t do you any favors. Forget not the Golden Rule, Confucius say: "What you do not wish for yourself, do not do to others"
3. Don’t take yourself too seriously; learn to laugh at yourself.
4.  Spoil yourself. Allow yourself to indulge in life’s little pleasures and enjoy it thoroughly.
5. Put yourself first. This is your life, never neglect yourself and expect others to take care of you. You’ll be waiting a long time. Don’t ever feel you need someone to take care of you, but rather you want someone to do so.
6. Don’t rush through your days. Remember to take it all in as it goes along. You only live once; every day you live is a day you will never get back so make each day count.
7. Don’t be scared to admit when you want something, even just for the sake of wanting it. And if it is within reach, go for it. Don’t sell yourself short and give into self-doubt. Allow yourself to strive for something.
8. Dedicate some time for yourself. Every now and then, spend some time with ‘me, myself and I’ (not me as in the person who is writing this, 'me' as in you!). Some spend it in prayer and/or meditation, others in sport and exercise. Some find their solace with nature and others on the rooftops of skyscrapers. Whatever your flavor, make sure you set some time for yourself to do what you love and do it with passion.
9. Don’t be afraid to let your mind wander, see the wonderful places it could take you. Think, wonder, daydream, ponder. Unlock and explore the limitless bounds of your mind.
10. Live without regret. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you've made and those you have yet to make. The important thing is that you learn from them, there’s no need to be so hard on yourself.
11. Smile and laugh often. Make it count and relish in the moment.
12. Never try to be someone other than you. You are unique, celebrate it! I promise you there is only one of you in this entire existence. (Refer to point #1)
13. Love wholeheartedly, unconditionally and passionately. Don’t hold back. Reserve your love for those deserving of it, but make sure you give them all you got.
14. Do not fear solitude. If you run away from yourself, so will those around you. (Refer to point #8)
15. Give credit where credit is due. Pat yourself on the back when you feel you've deserved it. Then chuckle at how slightly narcissistic that seems, and go on to treat yourself regardless. Oddly enough, according to Forbes, a little narcissism does pay off when job hunting. No harm in a little narcissism then! (Refer to point #4)
16. Pause. Reflect. Self-reflection in an open and honest way is not easy, maybe even a little daunting. No matter how honest you are with others, if you lie to yourself you could still hurt yourself and those around you. Trust yourself and only then can others feel they can truly trust you.

I wish I could have come up with something concise and catchy like some sort of mantra, but it wouldn’t do it justice to simplify it further. I feel like this list could go on, and it probably will. What would your list look like?

And now to the image at the top of the post. I have decided to include what in my eyes is an iconic image which symbolizes the value of happiness. This is the flag of Bhutan, a small, remote kingdom in South Asia where instead of measuring the nation's GDP (gross domestic product - used to indicate the health of a country's economy) they are more concerned with the nation's GNH; the gross national happiness. The government has made the happiness of its people the primary indicator of the nation's 'health'. Studying the impact of any governmental policies or programmes on both the GDP and GNH, the happiness of its people has become a political priority. How lovely is that! Wouldn't want to live there though, some policies are a bit extreme but still a lovely thought nonetheless.

In closing, some wise words from the world's most famous Buddhist, Buddha himself!

You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.

Generation Impatient

Now. Everything has to be done now. This person must be contacted now. The e-mail must be sent now. The SMS must be read now. The pot noodles must be cooked now. The multi-GB file must be downloaded now. The photo must be snapped, edited and uploaded now. This must be watched now. This must be read now. This must be shared now. We must be heard now. Generation Y has become one very impatient generation. It all has to be immediate or we do not waste our time with it. We want things to be done 'yesterday before today'. We have such high expectations with our own personal productivity. Because of all this instant access and connectivity are we able to finish a multi-page report in one day. Imagine what it would have been like having to search through library catalogues  and books to get information and actually having to write things down…..! We don't even search for information anymore, we wait for it to come to us. Even worse still is when we believe everything that lands on our Twitter or Facebook homepage. We rush through our lives and get thrown from one phase of our lives to another so violently we forget to just live.

(Comedian Louis CK on Conan O'Brien a couple years back, talking about just how spoiled and demanding we have become as a human race. One of those that-is-so-true-I-feel-pathetic moments)

Our beloved Middle Eastern societies almost do not allow the youth to be young, almost as if it is taboo. Why can’t we be young and foolish? Why can’t we just take life day-by-day and just live out our days without much care or concern? Yes, we will fall. Yes, we will fumble. Yes, we may even get lost. But we will eventually get back up and fumble our way back. Pushing us from one huge decision to the next will not create resistance (yet), but we will always feel like we missed out on something. One day we will look back and realize our youth has been squandered. That is the case especially if one has decided to marry a little too soon. Funny thing is, thanks to the very little change in the judging minds of our kin, instead of allowing our children to experience what we missed out on, we just let the cycle continue. 

I will be fair here and say sometimes it is the young and foolish who rush into marriage with very little external pressure or force (if anything they encounter pressure not to marry!). True to the forms of this generation it wants to find love and marital bliss NOW. I have seen more than a few marriages where all I can think of was ‘would it have killed you to wait just one year?!’ (when hopefully by then they would have realized that perhaps they were most likely going into it for the wrong reasons?). There are even those who I actually believe are perfect for each other, but the timing just was not right and they faced many hardships because they got married too soon (rather, too young). After all, what’s one extra year to get your bearings straight when you’re considering a life together? Marriage is definitely something that cannot be rushed into, regardless of what century we’re in. We are not living a Midsummer Night's Dream; there is no magical potion that makes us fall in love with the first thing we see. Our kids don't need that potion, they do it all on their own! Let's think reasonably here; can you honestly believe you struck it lucky with the first girl/guy you just so happened to get along with?

I found that sometimes the problem occurs when being swept away by the long-awaited marriage. Ideally, pre-marital relationships are seen as taboo. So when something official comes along the horizon, the young and foolish rejoice at the chance to finally hold hands and call each other 'baby' with parental consent! They get so caught up in this whirlwind romance that they do not adequately address the necessary issues one should when considering a life partner. Either one or both sides put up an act - a performance deserving of a gold statue or globe of sorts - as to not jeopardize their chances at finally hitting the societal jackpot of marriage, the epitome of success (at least right up to the wedding, then you're a failure again unless you start cranking dem babies). Very little thought is given to what happens beyond that, once people stop applauding your marital accomplishment. And that is why some people believe that 'traditional' marriage is flawed. Marriage will be flawed, regardless of how you meet, if you do not approach it with the right frame of mind. The battle of traditional marriage vs marriage for love in our society seems to get worse, but I want to bring peace in the Middle East regarding this battle. Perhaps this point I will expand on later in another post.

Patience, my fellow Arab youth, patience. Don't get antsy and restless when you see those around you getting married one by one. Don't let a moment of weakness or two lead you to rush into something so life-altering. Your time will come when the universe decides you are good and ready, if that day should ever come! Don't waste away your days waiting for that day, hopefully it will come in due time. All you need to do until then is just continue on your merry way, experience what else life has to offer beyond a wife/husband and kids, discover who it is you are and what it is you really want out of life. You will be a better spouse and parent for it. The more you experience of life, the more you see of the world, the more you can give back. The more you know what you want in a life partner, the better spouse you can be to your partner. The more decisive you become in how you would want to raise your children, the better you are able to raise them. Focus on loving YOU, raising YOU, become YOU, before you can think to give your love to others.

Have faith. Live. Laugh. Love. 

Can You Hear it Ring....Ka-Ching!

Finally back to the 5 pillars with number 4: Financial.

This is a bit of a touchy subject among people in general, anything concerning money tends to be. But let’s face it, some problems in a marriage could very well be money problems which could blow up and lead into bigger problems. Needless to say we all know how marriage is costly on both sides at first (wedding preparations and what-not), but we all have this notion that from then on the husband is fully responsible. A few things I have to say about that:

•       Assuming that is the case, it is pretty clear that this man who is looking to marry should be financially capable of taking on the responsibility of his spouse. Providing a place to live, food to eat, way to get around, etc. A concern that is multiplied with the addition of each new family member. If said man is not financially ready to do so, that could cause problems. Also, if said man is doing so while relying on daddy, you may survive for a while, you may survive forever, but do you really expect someone who isn't capable of standing on his own two feet to be able take care of you?! And vice versa, how can you expect to take care of others if you can’t even take care of yourself. Plus, being reliant on the in-laws gives them the power to intervene on your life together. There will always be the threat of ‘do it our way or else’ and you could very well remain at their mercy. Of course that’s not always the case, but these are very probable situations and I for one won’t risk the chances of that happening. We are part of a culture in which by and large we continue to live under our parents’ roof until marriage, meaning we don’t have much expenses to worry about other than our own, it’s all pocket money and savings more or less. So going from that to not just being on your own but having someone with you is a huge step, and we must make sure we are prepared for it.

•       Ladies, ease up on the men. Don’t expect the high life from the get-go. Very few women are lucky enough to get it, and even less want it after they realize that they’re not happy and it’s not what they wanted out of a marriage. Don’t be so demanding at first, grow into your life of luxury, at least it is a life you built together (again, not at the mercy of in-laws). You’re part of this marriage too so you need to start doing what’s best for you as a couple. If that means settling for the BMW rather than the Rolls Royce (I know, the horror!), it may well be a sacrifice you have to make. Whatever financial decisions you have to make, it is important you at least discuss it if not make the decision together as a couple. Whatever prudent decision you land on, you have to support your spouse. This goes for any financial problems you may come across (God forbid) as husband and wife. Even if he is the primary bread-winner, don’t make it so damn difficult for him to please you. If things get rough, make sacrifices and stand by him. He will love you eternally for doing so. If he doesn't, wait till he builds his fortune again, dump his ass and leave with half!
•       I think I've already pushed it too far with the concept of the man being the primary bread-winner (I feel the burn of frustration exuding from feminists everywhere). Particularly in the Middle East, that notion is standing strong. Believe it or not quite a few men are too proud to accept it otherwise. The truth of the matter is, among the middle class especially, with rising costs of living, there is a growing need for some households to depend on two incomes rather than just one. From my experience, I found this point is especially harder to swallow among men! If the man is happy to provide and won’t have it any other way, so be it. But if need be, don’t be too arrogant and refuse any help from your wife. Remember this is your life together, if it’s needed she should help out too, and neither one should be ashamed to do this! This is the reality of the situation sometimes, and you have to face it together.

Finally, we come to a great misconception among society. People choose to believe that only those from the same social class (i.e. similar financial standing) should marry. I ask, why? Fair enough, those from a similar background/upbringing are likely to get on and lead similar lives. But marriage should in no way be restricted to this. More importantly a marriage should not be refused solely for this purpose! If all other measures of compatibility match up, don’t let something this silly ruin it. As long as both parties know what they’re getting themselves into (one party will always have to make adjustments for the sake of the other). This is in no way a measure of a successful marriage. However, realistically, it isn't something to be ignored either.

Things That Make You Go Green

When getting married, your partner becomes everything to you; a spouse, a lover and a friend for starters. That friendship could be built on or integrated to strengthen the bond and relationship between husband and wife. But then, does that mean your spouse will be your only friend?

I’ve seen it happen a lot; one gets married and cuts off any and all friendships with the opposite sex. Although it has yet to happen to me personally - at least not with someone close enough to matter - I fear the day it does happen. It all just seems so sad. You’ve been friends for x amount of years and suddenly, nothing? I mean the friendship is expected to experience a shift in boundaries once one or both sides are married, that’s normal with any friendship of any gender and any culture too. But cut off altogether? It makes me feel like the friendship was cheap and meaningless, feels like it wasn’t supposed to happen or it was wrong to be friends in the first place.

I don’t know if this cutting-of-the-ties is done on the spouse’s request or it’s some sort of unwritten rule. If it’s the latter, I wish someone would go ahead and just write a rule stating otherwise to cancel out this unwritten version. But like I said, with the start of any serious relationship one does naturally step back a bit with friends, and that’s usually if they consider their partner separate from their friends. Couples who socialize together and have the same group of friends could be either very lucky or unlucky (more on that later).

Do people really discuss this though? When a couple starts to get serious do they discuss who they will and will not continue their friendships with? I know in some cases there is always that jealousy from friends, especially if your partner does not like your friends. And in those cases sometimes there is a clear and resounding “them or me” ultimatum. I can never picture myself in such a situation and God forbid I ever find myself in one. I would hate to have the person I love ask me to cut ties with the people I’ve been close to probably and most likely far before he was ever a part of my life. And vice versa, I would hate to ask that of anyone.

The idea just makes me sad. I don’t want to have to say goodbye to any one of my friends, and I don’t want to lose any one of my friends for this reason. One may be willing to do this for a partner at first but that might breed resentment further down the line. Of course this applies to close friends; I’m not talking about people you merely know. For those you just ‘know’, if you’re partner just does not want you near them for whatever reason no matter how ridiculous, they’re not worth the battle, regardless of 'principle'. So in cases like this I would understand how it's best to respect your partner's wishes at least to some degree. But with close friends, it boggles my mind how people let go so easily without a fight. If crazed jealousy is to blame here, the friendship can be a bit more limited without total destruction. If you genuinely feel or even notice that a certain 'friend' is being a little more than friendly, consider just talking about it. Mention it once, twice, 10 times. Actually discuss what you see/feel and let your feelings on the matter be known. Let the decision to deal with this person be their own. If they sense discomfort from your end, give them a chance to do something on their own accord. As long as they do so with conviction and not simply to shut their partner up!

"....the demon of jealousy, that dragon which slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive." 

- Havelock Ellis, On Life and Sex: Essays of Love and Virtue (1937) 

Jealousy is a monster I have yet to meet. I have met envy, boy have I met him! We are very well acquainted. But jealousy, especially the irrational kind that pushes one to unthinkable lengths, has never stood before me. To me jealousy is a mythical creature, sort of like Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster. I don’t believe in mythical creatures beyond the realm of myth. Which is why I cannot comprehend how one could allow something not real to cloud their judgment time and time again? You tell me your spouse is jealous of your friend. Pray tell me dear spouse, why are you jealous of this friend when it is you who are envied for being lucky enough to call your other half your own? Why are you so worried you will lose your love to this friend when your love has chosen to be with you? He/she could have chosen the friend, but they didn't. If fear of losing them is due to lack of trust, that’s a whole other ball game here. The question you should be asking is why would you be with someone you fear will leave you (again?) so easily if you didn’t keep them on a short leash? Forgive me but I see nothing loving or romantic about having to keep tabs on your spouse to keep them from slipping through your fingers. And keeping them from friends to avoid them slipping away will only delay the inevitable, not prevent it. Although I can't deny that people do feel jealousy, I can fault them for how they choose to act on it.

“Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy - in fact, they are almost incompatible; one emotion hardly leaves room for the other.” 

- Robert A. Heinlein, Stranger in a Strange Land

Jealousy and trust cannot coexist in a single relationship. Oddly enough just as some might see jealousy as a clear indication of lack of trust, others see the absence of jealousy indicative of lack of love! My partner is not jealous ergo he/she does not love me. Wow, some logic! Don't try and convince me there is a healthy kind of jealousy because it will never stay 'healthy'. As soon as it rears it's ugly green head even slightly, it will drag the rest of its ugly body around with it, and it will grow and fester within your relationship. However, I do believe one can be protective of their spouse, now that would be out of love in my opinion. But the minute you allow jealousy in, it will slowly but surely chase the trust out and eat at a once healthy love.

Since when does your partner micro-manage your social life and dictate who you may and may not befriend? When did love give them the right to do such a thing? Where’s the trust in all this? You want to be a part of each other’s lives, be a part of it as it is. Do not try to bend it at will to fit your liking, and that goes for the people in their lives, regardless of gender. Even worse still is when a spouse urges the other to cut ties with family members. The audacity of such requests drives me mad! That is genuinely how I see the issue, I do not see anyone has the right to tell me who to keep in my life and who to kick to the curb. But alas, not many people share this view.

People may believe that in a relationship, sacrifices such as this must be made for the sake of compromise, to please their other half. If and when the sacrifice is constantly going both ways - a two-way stream – I could perhaps say that’s fair. Foolish, but fair. They wanna play the sacrificial lovers that will do anything for each other, I get it (not really but I’ll let it slide). However I for one strongly believe there is such a thing as too much sacrifice and it leads to resentment. You shouldn’t need to give up so much for someone who supposedly loves you for who and how you are, not how they expect you to be. I’ll reserve this theory of mine to discuss in a later post in more depth.

Until then, if anyone has any pictures of 'jealousy' sightings as proof of existence, please share!