Emotionally Driven

Who said men aren't emotional? How many wars have been fought, lives lost, for the sake of an emotionally driven agenda or vendetta? Anger is an emotion. Hunger for power is something you feel, an intense emotion, and a dangerous one at that. There are a multitude of emotions that are very common in men, yet they are not seen as emotional beings. There is danger in a being unaware of their own emotional capacity; I call it 'emotional neanderthal'. 

Women are always the ones labeled 'emotional' and because of it we have been deemed incapable of making rational decisions throughout history! Who the fuck decided we were incapable? Oh, that's right, it was men. It was men who called the shots, decided what is what, and shunned us to the side to continually serve them. Mainly because they are physically stronger; so essentially we were bullied into it if you think about it. Then came the rise of the priveleged man, because he wants to call the shots still, deemed minorities unfit for a humane existence and sentenced them to a life of servitude, just so he can continue to reap the benefits of an entitled existence, not because he is actually deserving of this entitlement, hence some claim it was God-given. This is what happened to the world when men were left to make the decisions. This historical shit show. Who in their right mind would give up this self-given privelege for the sake of others? (Actually, women would. Precisely mothers. The things our silly emotions make us do like raise generations and keep the human race going strong.)

So I ask now: why is it people still hold on to the belief that men are at all capable, let alone more capable than women, to make decisions and hold positions of power? If anything, women are likely to be more capable. Yes, we are emotionally driven, but at least there's something that drives us! Because we are reminded of this at every turn, we are more likely to be aware of our emotions than men, who are brought up to believe they have the emotional capacity of a potatoe. The damage of dealing with an emotional man who doesn't see himself possessing emotions is like letting a toddler play with a loaded gun. Don't get me wrong, I do not envy the poor man who won't allow himself to feel, but again y'all been calling the shots since day 1 so you kinda shot yourself in the foot with that one. We can't also take the blame for a notion you imposed on us, especially when you deemed us weak and incapable for it. We live in a world where there still is a massive gender bias. It's automatic. Why would your dad ask  his son to get him his tools when it's his wife who knows where they are? Why is the door held open for me but not the gentleman behind me? We need to get rid of the gender-split filter, get rid of any filter entirely that doesn't at least include rainbows and a unicorn. 

Why put each other in boxes? The idea of 'following convention' was cool when it was a survival mechanism (stranger danger and all), but what good is it now when we are a well-connected global society. We are no longer strangers anymore. Why are we still treating each other as such? Why not embrace our differences; what sets each and every one of us apart from the 7+ billion people in the world and also what brings us together. We all have a story, to each their journey, seek first to understand before you pass judgement based on your own story and experience. Where do you fit in their context and how do they fit in yours? 

All I know is I definitely don't wanna spend the rest of my life in a box, do you? So let's burn the fucking box! Let's encourage girls to do more and encourage boys to feel more. Let's help them break out of the box and discover who they truly are, without their anatomy dictating it for them. Let's break free of these archaic notions. Let's let go of these inhibiting ideas, no matter who we may anger in the process. If they get angry, you can tell them they're being an emotional little girl and piss them off even more! Let's rid this world of any source of segregation, discrimination and injustice. Anything that feeds this fear of the 'other', creating distance because of difference, is breeding ground for hate. There's no place for it where we are going, at least I don't want there to be. Do you?

Letter To All My Children

Six years ago, I started this blog in an effort to understand people, heart break, and everything in between. As much as I'd hate to concede, I have come to the conclusion that not only is heart break inevitable, it is necessary. Inspired by the letters of John Steinbeck, I write a letter to all my children:

I don't know what kind of troubles you may face in your life, but I know you will face troubles. I don't know in what ways your heart will break, but break it will, time and time again. As much as I'd like to tell you what to do to protect you from troubles and heart ache, you probably won't even listen. Even if you did, I would rob you from life lessons that will help you grow as a person. Nothing like first hand experience to teach you more about yourself and the world around you. What I can do is try and make sure you don't go through all that pain for nothing. The price of pain may be high but it could give you valuable insights, if only you allow yourself to recognize that.

It's highly unlikely to meet the right partner the first time around. In this day and age, people come with various amounts of baggage and various ways of unloading that baggage. Because we are complex human beings, with a natural fear of being alone, it requires a lot of time, a good deal of self awareness, and a whole lot of patience to really get an idea of whether this relationship is worth the emotional investment i.e. is there a chance you can build a stable, happy life together? In whatever agreed form of "stable, happy life" you both aspire to. The trick is, we don't exactly know these things instinctively. We are not born self aware. Self awareness is acquired. So that means to find a relationship that works, failed relationships are inevitable. Being alone is inevitable. It is a part of the journey. Consider every failed relationship a bullet dodged! Feel the pain, process it, learn from it and grow.

Even though you do not yet have 'the' successful relationship, you still have multiple deep, meaningful relationships with so many others in your life and they teach you a lot about yourself, too. In order to have 'the' healthy, happy, sustainable relationship we all deserve, we need to be well adjusted adults within ourselves with good, healthy relationships with those around us. Invest your time, energy and emotions in those relationships which you do have; the ones that enrich your life, the ones that surprise you, the ones that teach you more about the world and yourself. In a way, they are a prerequisite to being able to find a good life partner. In time, and after kissing a lot of fucking frogs, you will eventually find a frog that doesn't leave as bad an after taste as the others and live in peace knowing you will never have to experience that horrid after taste ever again.

Remember, you are always loved, more than you know. And even with that, it took a lot of shitty relationships to know, understand, and appreciate not what we want out of any relationship, but what we need. To make sure a relationship has a chance to last and withstand the shit storm that is life, make sure all your needs are met then look at your wants. We, as humans, are stubborn little shits. Someone telling us what we need will never work, not that anyone out there can ever really know what you need better than you. Settling should not be an option, which is why we gotta get out there and do the dirty work ourselves, practice the art of building healthy, meaningful and lasting relationships starting with family and friends as well as lovers. This is your life, only you can discover what your needs are in a life partner first hand. Unfortunately, the best way we stubborn little shits really learn is trial and error, so it won't be easy or pleasant. In fact, it's such a massive pain in the ass, you will often wonder what's the point of it all, why it happened to you, why it hurts so much, or why even bother trying. Love is a tricky, tumultuous thing. It is highly unlikely to get it right the first time around, so why even try to aspire to it? Why not accept the failure of your first few attempts to be very probable? Why not abolish the entire concept of "the one" and replace it with "the one right now". The one right now is the person you are getting to know, enjoy their company, etc who could perhaps graduate to "the one" one day. But until that has been proven, don't give too much of yourself. The more you do, the harder it will be if graduation gets cancelled.

Cheer up my love, this will only make you stronger and give you a better chance of the happiness you so greatly deserve 💓

The Fuck It Threshold

Growing up Arab, you tend to notice how people have an obscene interest in other people's business. Growing up human, you realize there are different motives for such interest. This creates a breeding ground for judgment and criticism, giving a false sense of moral superiority. You are free to disagree, you are free to dislike, but who are you to pass judgement on anyone? People get preoccupied with other people's lives, so much so that they tend to forget to live their own. I was once that person, dismissing anyone who did not think like me, act like me, live like me. It wasn't until I hit a point in my life where none of that mattered anymore. I saw how it broke people apart. I saw how it created such animosity, dividing friends and family even. Rejecting any form of 'other', usually because one doesn't understand the other, is a sad and lonely existence to me. There's such beauty in diversity, and I find normalcy to be so overrated. That's why I said: fuck it! Live and let live!

I found myself choosing to be around people I felt comfortable being myself with. It created a healthy environment for self discovery even. Having people accept me as I am allowed me to become the person that I am in a sense. Over time I would gravitate more towards those who felt the same, and I was better able to understand and coexist with those who didn't. I witnessed how people crossed over from the latter to the former when they reached what I like to call the "Fuck It Threshold". It is a point in someone's life where the magnitude of negativity and animosity that stems from judging others is so intense, it pushes you over the edge. More often than not, it occurs following some form of heart ache; real heart ache can push you to denounce much, and 'people' are usually the first to go. It's when you say to yourself fuck it. Fuck it all. Fuck what everyone says or thinks and take ownership of your life. Life is too precious to waste it hating, scrutinizing, discriminating. I would say it's about concerning yourself less with what people think and say about you and focus more on how they feel. So long as how you choose to exist doesn't hurt anyone's feelings, they can think/say what they want, and you can sleep at night. 

It's such a liberating feeling, you'll find yourself becoming more content with who you are and life becomes so much sweeter. You begin to examine your life, your surroundings, your values, your ideals, your beliefs, your relationships, etc. You focus on you, your life, your present, rather than wasting precious time fretting about what is entirely out of your control; other people's thoughts and actions, past, present or future. All you can do is control your own, so invest in developing your own. 

How and when you reach these glorious gates of self-liberation, of course, is very subjective, but ever so magical nonetheless. I have since tried to find ways to induce that state, or even nudge people over myself. But alas, it does not work that way. Also, I've discovered there's a knock-off threshold that people go through where they talk the talk but secretly still judge you. Those imposters are worse than the judge-y types in my opinion. They give you a false sense of security then throw you under the bus. Whether intentionally or not, it is hurtful nonetheless. I feel they suffer with an inner struggle that usually manifests in the ugliest ways, harming themselves more than anyone. You owe it to yourself to be at peace with who you are, who you want to be, not who you are expected to be. It's your prerogative to dictate what that means exactly, and when you do just own it! 

I really believe when you're sitting on what you believe to be the moral high ground, looking down on others, the harder you fall when you falter. And you are human, so you will falter. And then you will struggle to consolidate what you did with what you believe, or what you think you believe. You will push it to the back of your mind and convince yourself you're case is different. You tell yourself you're not like others who have faltered as you did. Then you tell yourself that it will end there, and you will never falter again. But you are human, so you will falter. And thus begins the duality inside; you don't like the person you are because you will judge yourself as you do others. The solution? Don't be so hard on yourself for starters. And stop comparing yourself to others. Your journey is your own, if you do something, do it with conviction otherwise don't do it at all. Focus on being at peace with yourself and whatever higher power you believe in first and foremost. In essence, you need to learn to b-b-b-block out all the haters!

We're All a Bunch of Assholes and Psychos

I've come to accept it as fact that all men are assholes. They vary in degrees of severity and perhaps they don't behave as such with everyone, but I firmly believe each and every hot blooded male is an asshole in some way, shape or form. Yes, even our loving fathers can be assholes sometimes, if not to you then surely to others. I think they just have a genetic predisposition, something in the Y chromosome allows for this immense capacity to behave as a total asshole. Accepting it allowed me to accept and love all the men in my life, what I believe it means to love unconditionally; notwithstanding the asshole condition, I am still capable of loving you. Also, accepting that fact allows me to better understand how to better deal with men; I expect them to be assholes and anticipate assholosity. 

What's interesting is the split reaction I get: some men agree without shame and others play the wounded victim while disagreeing. A - mad respect for those who own up to it. B - come here little wounded deer and let's have a chat. 

Oh, women can be assholes too? Yeah, I totally agree, I'm proud to be one. Well, if all men are assholes then all women are bitches? Although they have the capacity to be bitches, I believe - usually - some man/men in their lives pushed them to be that way. Also, no, not all. I can't generalize, you say? Watch me! 

ALL. MEN. ARE. ASSHOLES. 

Dare me to say it again?

For the sake of humanity, and in an effort to try to understand each other in this chronic gender war, can we assume I'm right? Okay, now that we've done that, let me tell you what all women are: all women are bat shit crazy.  They vary in degrees of severity and perhaps they don't behave as such with everyone, but I firmly believe each and every hot blooded female is bat shit crazy in some way, shape or form. Yes, including myself. But here's the thing, it's not our fault, at least not all the time. From the moment a girl hits puberty we start this hormonal roller coaster that lasts decades and we don't really know we're on it either. Once I realized this I was able to understand myself and other women in my life a lot better, and likewise love them unconditionally despite it. Perhaps the asshole thing is hormonal, too? Could be "manstruation" but I don't have any personal experience to base it on. What I can tell you is that I've felt the crazy, though. It's made me second guess everything I decide to do on a whim - from shopping to working to contemplating taking a sledge hammer to his brand new car - and that's mainly because in retrospect, I usually regret such rash decisions more often than not (never regret shopping though, only regret being broke, totally unrelated). But during a bat-shit-crazy spell I manage to have such conviction and somehow firmly believe it is perfectly reasonable to light all his possessions on fire. And again, part of it does usually have to do with men; more often than not the crazy comes along as a reaction to their action(s) or lack thereof. Not pointing fingers or blame, this is the honest truth. You guys drive us insane, sometimes very literally. 

I say all this and share it with you all knowing full well it probably won't be very well received. But I genuinely do believe in it all and it really has allowed me to better understand, accept and love the people in my life of both genders. Go ahead and call me bat-shit-crazy (call me an asshole if you like, too) but do me a favor and pretend I'm right for a second here, try to even believe it for a few days and see if that seemingly negative outlook doesn't positively affect your human relationships. Then and only then can you come back and tell me what I already know: that I'm a bat-shit-crazy asshole that speaks the truth!

Bullshit

I've been lying in bed for hours now unable to stop crying. My heart aches. It aches for all the magnificent women I know who have been wronged by assholes, even for those I don't know. My heart aches for every girl who is brought up to believe the only thing she can amount to in life is marriage. It aches for every woman who is oblivious of her own self worth, subjecting herself to the will of a man who sees himself entitled to do as he pleases with no repercussions. It aches for all the smart, capable women robbed of opportunities because society doesn't see it fit for a young lady, as to not be too threatening to potential suitors. It aches for every woman who subjects herself to any kind of abuse because she has nowhere else to turn, because her children depend on it, even worse, because she believes she deserves it.

Living in a patriarchal society, women always get the short end of the stick. Even my own parents, who are relatively exceptional in this regard, I feel view me as an accessory. It doesn't matter what I have done, what I have achieved, what I am capable of. All that matters is that I am appealing. The older I get, the more they give up on the idea. Sometimes I feel like an old dog they don't have the heart to put down, so they just continue to feed and shelter me till I die. My whole life, what I can and can't do, is not dictated by morals or principles but by public opinion. I continue to fight tooth and nail but I am seen as unruly, insolent and impertinent.

Do I forever have to live on the sidelines waiting for someone to finally see me as a suitable mate? Is my life eternally on hold until someone puts a ring on my finger? Is my value forever tied to a man?

I have a coworker who gets really peeved when women demand equal rights and still demand being treated as a lady (as if being polite has always somehow been compensation for the rights we don't have). This topic is always a very heated discussion in the office. I work in a heavily male dominated field and I am not one to shy away from a discussion on women's rights. When I stated that it's not right for a grown woman to go from being the responsibility of her father to the responsibility of the husband as if we are eternally children, another coworker expressed sympathy for the poor schmuck who gets stuck with me.

If I am an adult, I don't need a man to tell me what I can and can't do. So long as I live with my father, he has a say in everything. I'm blessed with a father that does listen to reason - so long as social expectation falls within that reason. Yet if I'm married, it is my husband, and at that point my father supposedly stops caring? I entrust my life, my wellbeing, my future, to someone I barely know and that's okay to people? My father has every right to have a say in my life, he gave me life! What right does this stranger have to do so? Especially when all I see is how incompetent men have become in this aspect. They no longer have much regard to anyone but themselves. They make a call based on convenience and impose it. They no longer take accountability for their actions and expect us to accept that. "I can cheat because I'm a man, and even if I get caught, society will forgive me, she will forgive me, and life goes on". What's that? Children born out of wedlock? Shotgun marriages, and second and third and fourth marriages to cover it up? Oh silly Arab man, you're so silly with your wandering penis and total disregard to anyone other than yourself. But here, take our daughters, break their hearts, beak their spirits, break their bones, and bring them back in pieces so they can spend the rest of their lives undoing this damage only to make her realize too late that she can survive without you.

I explained that I refuse to be treated like a child, and marriage does not mean I surrender myself to a man completely. However one of my coworkers seemed to have a problem with that, as if expecting to have a mature relationship with my husband where we make decisions together and he doesn't decide things for me is a preposterous idea. His response was "God help whoever you end up marrying". I refuse to succumb to the pressures of society. Call it whatever you like, I call bullshit. This is all total bullshit. I will continue to do so until my dying day.

P.S. Anyone planning to hit me with a "not all men are like that" can save their breath. I know they're not, it's only the vast majority I'm talking about here.

The Pursuit of Fun

There were many moments in my life where I felt myself in a moral dilemma where my decision did not reflect what I thought right to do. Then I convinced myself that the 'right thing to do' is a concept ingrained in your mind as a result of the environment you grew up in, so just do whatever you want because what you want to do is not wrong, then it must be right. But then again I would ask myself; why do I feel so guilty?

This past weekend I had an epiphany of sorts. I flew out to visit family with my sister. Usually these family visits would include our mother, are almost always very brief and rushed, and I always try to make time to do something that I want to do such as see a friend or go to a particular store or cafe. These side activities I do with at least a cousin so I feel I'm still fulfilling my duty of spending time with family while doing what I want, but in that time I am away from the vast majority I supposedly came to see. Allow me to express that I love my family, from the depths of my heart, regardless of how we may differ. Their joy brings me joy and their grief brings me grief; genuine, no-strings-attached love. I have a character flaw in that I want to do too many things with too many people and I never seem to sort myself out well enough to give everyone their due, but don't you dare decide for me - with force - what to do or who to see. I believe I know well enough to fulfill my duties towards the people in my life, but in reality knowing is not enough. I don't do much of what I know I should do. The thought would cross my mind and at that moment I would just rather be doing something else so I put it in the back of my mind. In the words of Mr. Lamar: Bitch, don't kill my vibe.

I've always asked myself whether I am too preoccupied with the pursuit of fun that I am not able to appreciate other things life has to offer. I don't know what happened this past weekend, but I think I managed to crack the case. I managed to spend quality time with the people I loved and have fun doing it. And true to form it was brief and rushed but at least it happened. I came back home with a euphoric feeling, in addition to missing them all immensely. And I realized what made this trip different was that I was more present; my mind wasn't thinking about being back at work in a couple days or that fight I had with my friend before I left or that thing I had to do for my mom when I got back.

That's when it hit me; the pursuit of fun is merely a distraction. Although it is easy to be present when you are having fun, it's not easy being present all the time or even most of the time, especially during those not-so-pleasant times. It's not that you shouldn't seek to have fun, by all means enjoy yourself! But enjoy the other moments too. Even in times of sorrow, reaching out to someone in their time of need with something as simple as a brief phone call is a moment, enjoy it! Even if you don't know what to say and how to act, be present and let it be genuine, enjoy it! So long as you have the right intentions, I am almost certain whoever is before you will sense that and appreciate it. With every moment, there is potential for connection. Human connection is so vital and we are so starved that we need it from wherever we can find it. Genuine human interactions with genuine emotions. It could be something as simple as complimenting the guy behind the check-out counter on his funky glasses, or laughing with the random woman on the street whose dog decided to sit down in the middle of the road. Just know how much to give to each person.

Don't give too much to those who don't deserve it. Be kind, be polite, be considerate, be friendly, but the real stuff, the go-out-of-your-way-to-make-them-smile stuff is not for everyone. I have reached a point in my life where if I don't believe you deserve certain things of me; I ain't gonna do it. It is such a liberating feeling. And this varies from person to person. One person I would jump through hoops to find the exact kind of chocolate they love, with another person the rope ends at casual conversation when we accidentally bump into each other at the mall. It's nothing personal. All are nice people, but not all nice people deserve my all. Just because I know you and you are a nice person, does not mean I need to remember to wish you a happy birthday every year (for example). Social obligations got too much for me and I could not keep track. So I got sick of feeling guilty for neglecting people in my life who I genuinely did not have the time of day to even think about, nor should I make time! Although I do like these people, and it would please me to see them, I'm just not gonna go out of my way to do it because simply put, I owe them nothing. Others though, I owe them everything. It's a pretty wide spectrum, to the point you could categorize people depending on how close they are. The spectrum is flexible; over time people can move along the spectrum in either direction. It's like a live document that needs regular updating. A good way to look at it is this; if something amazing happened to you, who would you want there to celebrate with you? Even then, who would you want to spend all night on the dance floor with and who do you only want for a dance or two? I genuinely believe that the people who matter in your life most - depending on life circumstances - will almost always be right there for you when it counts, or at least will always want to be there for when life simply does not permit it.

“Don’t sacrifice yourself too much, because if you sacrifice too much there’s nothing else you can give and nobody will care for you.” ― Karl Lagerfeld

Apologies for the digression. Good night for now.

The Knight in Shining Armor & the Damsel in Distress

When a certain idea has been continuously shoved at your psyche throughout the years, I can understand how it is difficult to stray from it. The idea of the man being some supreme savior to the poor, helpless woman is one that has been depicted in any and every way, shape and form. It would make sense for both genders to somehow feel obligated to play their respective roles even when it is against their personal nature.

Let's face it, not all men could be classified as a 'knight in shining armor'. They are human, they are flawed, and not each and every man should be expected to somehow fit the bill of the strong protector. And once we all can agree on that, instead of having false expectations of men - and men having false bravado to go with the hardware - we could get along a whole lot better. Likewise, not all women are in need of rescuing, so stop trying to save us. And ladies, stop playing the victim!! Stop waiting around for someone to save you; you are not trapped in a high tower with no way out. You need saving, start by trying to save yourself. Even if you did need saving, and he did save you, he sure as hell doesn't need to know it. You are facing difficulties in your life, as is everyone else, you are an adult and you have learned to deal, and that is what you need to show him. Otherwise, if he has taken you away from a place you do not wish to return, he just might abuse that knowledge and use it against you.

I don't know if it's deliberate, I don't know if it is insecurity, I don't know if it is some unavoidable byproduct of love, but if a man knows he has saved you from what you perceived to be a life of misery, or simply a life you were not too happy with, he somehow will come back around and hang it over your head. Whether directly - in the form of constant reminders - or indirectly - abusing you knowing you have nothing better to go back to - I have seen men use this against women a little too often. Men may do this unknowingly, but it does not make it any less despicable. Regardless of what you did for the person you love, the moment you start keeping score and start resenting your partner for it, you may start saying/doing things you regret.

No one asked you to be the almighty savior, you assigned yourself that role. And if you aren't able to play that part, don't blame it on the damsel. Especially nowadays when damsels are more tolerant to distress and don't need saving as much as before. And ladies don't give yourself entirely to a man expecting he will always put you first, you're just setting yourself up for disappointment.

When you love someone, and you need them, it seems all too dangerous to me. Loving them and wanting them in your life seems to be a safer scenario for me. Expectations need to be managed for sure. Don't rush to give too much of yourself to one person; soon enough you will realize you have no more of yourself to give, and nothing left for yourself either. That person needs to prove they are worthy of your time, effort, affection, compassion, love. Otherwise, the love you give so easily could be taken for granted somehow, someway, someday.

If you have all this pent up love waiting for the right person to just dump it all on, I have a solution for you. Look around. Look at the many people in your life; from family to friends to acquaintances to the guy at Starbucks you see every time you get your morning coffee. All those people won't say no to a little love. So rather than bottling it up for the next girl/guy who holds your hand, spread the love. When I say love here I mean it in the human, universal sense; the kind of love you find in a genuine smile. It is healthier to distribute your love and with it your attention than to have it solely focused on one person. No one person can possibly live up to all that attention without disappointing you and hurting you in the process.

For starter's, you are less likely to scare that person off, not everyone wants to get suffocated like that. Also, you are less likely to get sick of each other. You don't lose touch with the important people already in your life. You don't resent each other down the line when you realize you've been so caught up and cut off that the rest of your world has moved on without you.

A person distracting you from your troubles doesn't spell 'happily ever after' to me. When you're looking for someone to love, try to focus less on the distress and more on finding someone who makes you a better version of yourself, whether directly or indirectly, and for that betterment to be mutual. We are all in need of saving in one way or another, it should not be held against us, ever, least of all by the people we love. 

The XX Supremecy

I'm a believer in Karma, which leads me to believe I must have caused someone severe heart ache for me to be going through it myself right now. The weird thing is it has been broken by someone before it was ever theirs to break.

For well over a year, I've been going through some sort of existential crisis because of this. It hit me way out of left field. I did not want it to happen, I did not enjoy it, I miss the person I was and that person would be disgusted at my current state. It was a bubble of emotional confusion, and I'm still struggling to make sense of it all, even more so to just get over it.

I don't know why or how, but I developed what I assume are feelings for someone. I assume because I can't and don't want to say with absolute certainty that it was so. I had no reason to feel for this person, in the sense that he gave me no window to do so. The sad/odd part is I genuinely didn't expect him to feel the same way; all I wanted was for him to let me care for him even if that meant he didn't care for me, I didn't need him to care. I tried to deny it, resist it, convince myself otherwise, forget about it, resolve it, confront it, hide from it, distract myself, run away, talk about it, cry about it, sing about it, and now I'm writing about it, all in an effort to understand. My friends are more than fed up about it all, I can see it. If only they knew just how exponentially fed up I was about it.

Every time I feel myself getting  better, I spontaneously break down for what usually is no reason at all other than perhaps the sporadic pang of heart ache. I don't know what I could possibly have done to someone to feel this hurt for this long. I don't think I've ever felt so inexplicably drawn to someone yet simultaneously feel so dejected and wildly unwanted by the same person. All the advice I've ever given anyone regarding these issues I know and believe in wholeheartedly yet it won't make the pain go away.

I've struggled spiritually, professionally, socially, mentally, physically, just to try to understand and make sense of how I feel; for starters why him? Why this strong? Why so long? It got to the point where I started to think to myself well maybe it's because I'm not pretty enough or not smart enough or not slim enough or not tall enough or not old enough or too old or not wealthy enough or not fit enough or not white enough or not dark enough.

It was at this point that the words "well, FUCK YOU" exploded out of me. Fuck you for making me feel this way. Fuck you making me doubt my awesomeness. Fuck you for making me feel less than I am. Fuck you for every time I cried over you. Fuck you for every effort I mistakenly made to reach out to you. And fuck me for caring. I stupidly thought it was worth it, that deep down there is a good, honest man, that he was worth it. And I stupidly let him prove to me time and time again that he really isn't worth a fraction of it, yet still I managed to persuade myself by using every possible excuse known to man; he has been deeply hurt, he is deeply stressed, he is deeply depressed, he is recluse, he is shy, he is stupid, he is busy, he is tired, he is sick, he is the Fucking president of the United States deciding the fate of nations while attending a charity event to sponsor those he himself decided to leave in destruction, famine, and turmoil in favor of creating chaos elsewhere to drain their resources while nobody was looking yet where everybody can see!!!

I hate men for this very reason. Listen here gentlemen, don't take a woman's love for granted thinking that you are the shit. All. Women. Settle. At least the ones who are straight. No man is worth half what women are willing and able to give to them, but women give it because they are nurturing by nature, and cannot leave a poor soul - like that of a man - be left to wander alone. But you know what ladies, it's our fault for settling. It's because we've been settling all along, we've been making it too easy for them so they just progressively try less and less. I think it's high time for a revolution ladies, but it will only work if ALL women agree to do this. We must stop settling. We must make the man work to prove himself; work on himself, on his life, on his relationships, on his career, on his health and most importantly on his mind.... everything, to prove he is worthy of our love. No more excuses, no more cutting corners, no more enabling men to be lesser versions of themselves. They. Must. Work! Otherwise I'm gonna dig up my receipt and go straight to the corner store for a refund. We've put up with far more than enough, I imagine. It's high time they step aside and we show them how we, women, run things. We are made to be the weaker, inferior half of society. Bull. Shit. Women are not equal to men at all because they are, in fact, far more superior. We are able to create life inside our own bodies for 9 months; a creature feeding off all our energy and still you see us running around getting shit done just like the men are doing. That ability alone is proof. No need to bring out the list of evidence - long long list I may add-  I believe that alone is enough to win the case.

So ....ladies.....you in? 😁

To be continued.....enough bitter truths for one evening.

Well, Who Are They?

" كلكم لآدم وآدم من تراب "

- النبي محمد صلى الله عليه وسلم

You are all Adam's offspring, and Adam was created from clay

- Prophet Mohammed peace be upon him 

Discrimination, for any reason, is an ugly thing. We are all guilty of believing stereotypes, even creating our own in our minds. It may be true to you, through your narrow experiences, and sometimes difficult to dispute when a lot of evidence seems to support such stereotypes. It is a trap of sorts; some may hate to do it but surely we cannot deny there is some extent of truth, otherwise the correlation would not have existed.

It's difficult to justify to myself when I have fallen victim to this trap countless times. As much as I hate to generalize, I find myself doing so anyhow. For whatever reason, our brains seem to gather the entirety of experience and exposure to categorize people. Perhaps it makes understanding people better, or dealing with people easier, if you are able to classify them to some extent. So would it be wrong then? If it is not meant to pass judgement, merely a benchmark to use in your personal life, is it acceptable then or am I still discriminating?

Is it okay to use your limited life experience with a certain group to describe the entire group? To generalize on a whole group based on the actions of a few? To what extent do we allow such stereotypes to affect how we see an individual?

I'm trying to view this as realistically as I possibly can. Stereotypes - whether predetermined by environment or created on your own accord - are hard to avoid. I would like to say unavoidable because I personally cannot rid my mind of them, but I won't because I still have a sliver of hope in humanity. But I still believe that as unavoidable as it may seem, there are limits as to how far you let that allow you to unfairly pass judgement on people solely based on such stereotypes. No matter how consistently the stereotype has been proven true to you, there will always be exceptions. I do love meeting the exceptions, they are the spice of life. A gentle reminder that you have not seen or heard it all. And if you allow the stereotype to take over you will truly be missing out.

Despite mental predisposition to pass judgement on people based on stereotypes, or even worse based on nothing, no one should see it as okay to impose such views on others. If you want to say everyone is entitled to an opinion, if you want to regard this as an opinion, then fine. But in this case, keep it to yourself please. Don't spread such poisonous thoughts as if it is the word of God. Even worse still when people use the word of God to justify such poisonous thoughts! God is great, he created us all, and I am sure us hating on each other we did purely on our own without the need of divine intervention.

It makes me wonder; as much as cultural differences between people are celebrated, is it not these very differences that cause divisions among people? I personally see cultural differences as a beautiful thing, but people sometimes take their culture as a form of superiority above others, religiously so. Culture slowly becomes some form of dogma for the elite.

Who's to say what is considered superior?! Who gets to decide? Such vain notions will do you no favors. And if these are notions of those around you, they can eat your dust. Why succumb to the insecurities and intolerance of such small-minded people? Don't let it dictate your life; if you do so to please others, they will never be pleased. The sad reality is that people will always find things to criticize, things to talk about, things to misconstrue. What you do to please one group of people, will likely disappoint another. You will never win and only you will ever pay the price for it. Is it worth the sacrifice; jumping through hoops just for the approval of a group of people who are unlikely to have your best interest at heart to begin with? Think of those who actually matter, those whose happiness are directly linked to your own. Those people will want the best of you regardless of whether they agree or not, because they love and support you no matter what.

The truth of the matter is I am no better than any other schmuck, unless he eats babies or something. Everyone walking this Earth has a story that you don't know about, a story that made them who they are, who they will become. Each person's life has formed them as a person, and we must respect that. We are all different in so many ways, but I bet there are a lot more ways we are similar if we think about it. A beautiful initiative started by Brandon Stanton called "Humans of New York" shows exactly that and so much more (now sponsored by the UN on a journey of 10 countries to raise awareness for the United Nations Millennium Development Goals). As hard as it is to respect the difference in those who are very different, I try, knowing full well that I am unlikely to be paid similar respect. At least I can say I tried, and I will continue to try, until someone threatens to eat my babies.

The Value of Vulnerability

Many people view vulnerability as a sign of weakness, but I see it as incredibly human. It is not possible for us to be 'strong' all hours of the day for starters. Doing so may lead to a major crash and burn. I feel we sometimes expect too much of ourselves, myself included. We're always told to 'be strong' or 'toughen up'. But there are times when shit just hits the fan and you need to allow yourself to break; the sooner you break, the sooner you can build yourself up again. Holding it back will only make it fester and grow inside into an ugly monster that will slowly, but surely, consume you.

I find a little vulnerability goes a long way, even in every day life. It makes you more accessible. I actually believe that I have landed jobs by allowing myself to be vulnerable. It comes off more genuine than a false bravado, and I'd like to believe people appreciate that. I know I do. However allow me to highlight the difference between showing vulnerability and being downright needy; I find needy people to be one of the most off-putting because they are constantly looking for someone else to fix them rather than attempting to fix themselves. It's a viscous cycle that is set up to fail because they are so dependent on others to prop them up, and no one can possibly do that constantly for someone else. And down in the dumps they go until they find another poor soul to latch on to for support.

Know and understand your limitations; accept that there are things beyond your control and more importantly, have faith. Things may be bad today but they won't be bad every day. Rather than hiding from the world in your moment of weakness, trust that people will not eat you alive for it, especially those near and dear to you. The longer you hide from the world, the deeper into the pit of despair you go until one day it is too difficult to climb out. Allow yourself to be vulnerable around those you love and love you. Reach out and let them know you need them. More importantly, do not turn them away when they sense something and reach out to you instead. They are reaching out because they care, but they will not reach out forever. If someone in need reaches out, I don't think anything would hurt more than to turn them away in whatever fashion. Which is why perhaps people tend to shy away from the whole thing out of fear that in their time of need, no one will be there for them, and that is a harsh reality to face at a time like that. I have honestly have found solace in the most unlikely places, even from honest, well-intentioned strangers who were at the right place at the right time.

I personally get upset when I try reaching out to someone I know is down with no success. I understand it may be hard, but the way I see it, if you're not ready to come out just say so, but promise you will let me know once you're ready. When I make a genuine effort with someone, this is me being vulnerable to allow you to feel comfortable doing the same. More often than not it works. But when it doesn't, it really hurts. Some say I get over-sensitive about it and I tried to understand why. I am beginning to think that showing someone you care for them is in itself a form of vulnerability. So when you extend a helping hand and you come back with a handful of shit, it's not very nice. But then again, when you successfully get a response, it is incredibly rewarding and humbling. So I put up with the odd handful of shit every once in a while knowing that it will be worth it every other time.

What I find very strange is that I see this mostly with couples. A lot of people refuse to be vulnerable towards their significant other, which I think is preposterous. However, I do understand why, and it is a sad reality. It is not easy giving another person so much power over you. They know you love them, and they supposedly love you too, you two know each other well enough to know what buttons to push, and there is a speck of fear that one of you will push those buttons. So what ends up happening is they guard themselves against each other for fear of getting hurt, which I think is incredibly sad and no way to live. 

It begs the question; if you are constantly in fear that the person you are with may hurt you with what he/she knows will destroy you, are you with the right person? Or is it something that lovers must always endure?

Is the solution to never be vulnerable around each other? Or are we doomed to experience the pain it may cause?

I, for one, have tired of trying to constantly appear strong and in control. A little vulnerability does go a long way, and I have been able to truly connect with some of the most truly interesting and genuine people because of it. It is an immensely gratifying feeling, almost addictive, and I truly feel there is real value in that kind of connection which is very much worth letting your guard down around the right people. With time, you will be able to detect who those people are in a heartbeat. 

Be A Man

What does it mean to be a man?

What do I perceive as manly qualities?

I began to delve into this topic and found myself conflicted. Ideally, I know that today's idea of a 'man' is greatly deformed, but I find myself drawn to those stereotypical qualities. 

So I took some time to rid myself of these preconceived notions and start afresh. 

What do I, myself, see to be a man?

Humanity. First and foremost. On the most basic level, I don't want to sense there is a difference between man and woman. We are all human before we start to break ourselves down into groups and races and nationalities. When I see a man and sense he stands before me as a human, and views those around him as fellow humans, I can then perhaps describe him as a 'man'. 

Empathy. Being able to feel and try to understand what goes on within and beyond. There is something robotic and frightening about someone who is unable to feel for anyone other than themselves, if they feel at all. Although, not giving into feeling is promoted as a manly quality, it is this very trait that gives birth to dominating, abusive, egocentric, even violent and evil men. There is comfort being in the company of a man who allows himself to feel, and also be felt. It is not easy to be that vulnerable but it is beautiful and refreshing to see, and humbling to be able to see that side. 

Humility. Man's greatest downfall is the ego. How it manages to get so self-inflated sometimes is beyond me. There's nothing more unappealing then egocentricity. Not to say one should be insecure, that is probably slightly less unappealing than a big ego. Confidence is important. Being able to recognize your self worth and believe in your ability is crucial. But don't taint that confidence by making yourself the center of the world. The world is vast, you are but a tiny speck, but you are a speck nonetheless. 

Authenticity. Being open, honest and sincere by default. No ulterior motives. No hidden agendas or meanings. Oh how simpler the world would be if people allowed themselves to be genuine.  

Loyalty. Not to a a particular family, faction, flag or faith. Loyal to those around you, those directly involved in your life, those who deserve it. Loyalty to your values, ideals and beliefs (key word being your). Being able to consider more than just yourself, your wants and needs. 

Commitment. When you say something, you mean it. When you do something, you get it done. Being 'a man of your word'. Not to be an overachiever, but to know and understand your abilities and your limits. Know what needs to be done and what it is you can do to get there. Know when to draw the line and when to push forward. Know that giving up should not be an option unless all other options have been exhausted. 

Responsibility. Towards your fellow man. Towards your planet. Towards yourself. Towards your loved ones. Having a deep sense of duty and living up to it. You are accountable for your words and your actions so bloody act like it.

Kindness. Such an underrated quality but it goes such a long way. Be kind to those around you. Be kind to total strangers. Don't underestimate the importance of being a gentleman in the true sense of the word. Not in an effort to get laid, just for the sake of being a decent human being.

Respect. Before you demand respect, make sure you deserve it. It would be a start to respect others; their thoughts, beliefs, ideas, actions, even if they may conflict with yours. Who are you to judge? As long as they do not harm you then what reason do you have to disrespect them?

As I go over the list in my mind I realize these very attributes are universal. They are not limited to a single gender. Nor should they be. Man, woman, we should not be measured any differently. Going through this was a healthy exercise for me. Not only did I compile a list of what I look for, it is a list of qualities I aspire to embody. I imagine the list is subject to expand and/or change, but it's a start.

Oh men of the world, before you go pounding your chest and grunting, rethink what it is beyond your anatomy that truly makes you a man. And ladies, start to appreciate these qualities a little more. Get it out of your head that the bad boy will somehow be good for you. It's in the name, he will be bad for you, and this boy will be no 'man'. 

Do, Love, Hope to be Happy

This is going to be a bit of a digression, even more so than usual. It may be a little grim, but it is something that has been on my mind for a while now and needs some sort of outlet.

For the most part of my life, I've been quite sheltered from the world. Not by design of course, I was just born into a bubble. To the untrained eye we actually seemed quite worldly, but in truth it was all quite superficial. It wasn't the fault of anyone in particular, just a result of the bubble that no one was really aware of. We traveled a lot, but we traveled in our bubble. It wasn't a veil of ignorance, because we were not ignorant of the world; just the bubble. This bubble was more of a filter; a very rosy, pretty filter. Whatever was beyond the bubble seemed lovely. The extent of our woes was within the confines of this very bubble. So I grew up with a slight disconnect to the world.

It wasn't until I moved away that I distanced myself completely. The bubble came with me of course, but I left with an open heart and an open mind which made the bubble very weak. I knew there was more to the world. I knew there was more to what I have been accustomed to believe. I knew that the dodgy looking man with piercings all over his face was not necessarily a threat. I knew that the homeless woman humming to herself, cracking jokes at passersby was not going to bite me and give me hepatitis. I knew that the skinhead in the hoodie was not going to kick me in the shin and steal my purse. I knew that the friendly, chatty cab driver was not going to steer off course and kidnap me. Some may say I am naive, but it reinforced my faith in humanity, and I have had some of the most interesting - albeit fleeting - encounters because of it. Strangers are not a threat by default, I don't know when that happened either. In my 25 years of life, there are countless displays of strangers' kindness and zero danger. With odds like that, what reason do I have to change my supposedly naive ways?

As I was experiencing the world at an individual level, my mind was also opened to the world on a global scale, even historical scale. That is where things got dark. That is when the unanswerable questions started flooding in. That is when my newly found faith in humanity was in question. I didn't know what to believe anymore. It gave birth to the conspiracy theorist in me. I couldn't take anything at face value anymore. Either way, whatever I chose to believe would leave me paralyzed. I would feel helpless. All this injustice, all these lives lost, all the greed, all the famine, all the woes of the world would overwhelm me and leave me totally numb. People say there are small ways you can help. People say if you want change, you should get up and do it yourself. But the logical rationale of the conspiracy theory formula would just dismiss every suggestion; all this, to what end? The ugliness will still remain. And it was a hard pill to swallow when, at the individual level, I was experiencing a beautiful side to life. We are all victims of this ugly, unjust world, some painfully more than others, but we don't hold it against each other. Yes, it did remind me of the ugliness of the world from time to time and the paralysis would take over, but I have come to accept that it will never go away.

Although my position on life is subject to change, right now I am beginning to believe that the world is beyond help; whether by design or by divine purpose. Someone else may be able to figure out a way to heal the world, and I truly pray to see that day, but I am not holding my breath. That person is not me, though. I like to see myself as a realistic idealist; if I can't make it ideal, I gotta be real. If history has taught me anything, it is the sad fact that there is ugliness in the world and no revolution of thought or peoples will ever really change it. We always seem to be replacing one demon with another. For every change for good, someone else somewhere else is paying the price for it somehow. That is the state of the world in equilibrium I suppose. The good do not always prevail. Evil sometimes - if not a lot of the time - can win the race too. The amount of great minds that the world has witnessed I believe may have reached the same conclusion. They were only ever celebrated posthumously. And for all the praise, they probably got just as much criticism. These great thinkers were rarely ever doers; some would follow the herd for the sake of survival while others were ostracized by force or by choice.

Now, I just want to be happy. That is my ultimate goal in life. Not in the selfish, insatiable way; I want to be content. People make me happy. Working, eating, traveling, smiling, laughing, learning, growing, creating moments and memories with people make me happy. Seeing people happy makes me happy. Making people happy makes me even happier. I just want to live surrounded by the people I love and hopefully love me in return. I want to try to spread that happiness to anyone I come in contact with. Like the song says; the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. 

“Rules for Happiness: 

something to do,

someone to love,

something to hope for.”

-Immanuel Kant

Viva La Gynarchy

Control is a big issue, at least it is to me. Some people fight for it and some people surrender to it. I feel one should never attempt to control a man who does not want to be controlled; if you fail you will pay the price for it dearly, but if you succeed you will have a broken man. And this goes both ways. Don't try to control a woman, even though some women believe they are to be controlled, or you feel compelled to do so because you insist they do not know better. It is never okay to be in control of another human in any case and in any situation, not just romantically. Let there be mutual respect for each other's individuality, no one likes to be played like a video game even if over time they have become content to just that. I find it more than a little demeaning, and mankind should be able to evolve past that by now.

I noticed that our Arabian culture still holds the belief that women are helpless, fragile little beings, that it is the man's duty and right to be involved in every decision pertaining to her life (that is if he doesn't just do the deciding for her). And it is the woman's duty to forgive and accept the man's shortcomings and fuck-ups, and do so without complaint. It baffles me how often society allows men to get away with murder yet scrutinizes women's every action. Even when we know it's wrong, we still keep that in mind. "Be careful taking this or that step because you know people will never blame him, they will blame you". It's a reality we can clearly see is flawed yet it is one we accept nevertheless.

It was Sigmund Freud who introduced us to the structural model of the mind, splitting it into three major functions; Id, Ego and Superego. Id is the impulsive nature we are born with which instinctively drives us to get what we need and want with little to no regard to much else. In my head I imagine the perfect example can be seen in the character Veruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: "I want it NOW!". Or even Augustus Gloop who didn't bother demanding, he just went for it! Ego is the rational part (could we say moral?) that develops as we grow to consolidate the destructive nature of blindly going after everything we desire. I think what could sum it up nicely is to say WWJD: what would Jesus do? Or Mohammed, or Moses, or whoever. Point isn't to model your actions according to someone else's teachings as much as it is to learn from them and be able to recognize right from wrong in order to better control the thoughts in your mind. Superego is the bitch here. While I would much rather see people ask themselves "what would Jesus think?" (or Mohammed or Moses etc), Superego is what Freud believes to be the part of our mind which asks "what would people say?!", constantly strives for social acceptance and perfection in doing so. The Ego, in part, is meant to consolidate both Id and Superego rationally, the aim being to develop the Ego so much so that one has better control of their own thoughts and actions. The imbalance of the Id and Superego supposedly results in mental instability and mental illness. I must say though, the Superego in this part of the world has grown far and beyond the reach of the Ego, and with it the Id driving us towards conspicuous consumption. What is meant to be the most important part of your individual mind is instead prisoner to your desires and societal standards, creating an imbalance which further proves my belief that this society is mentally ill.

But I constantly ask: why? Why do we give in to such a ridiculously outrageous double standard. Instead of eradicating it, we are allowing this phenomenon to grow and fester by playing along. Half the society doesn't care because this double standard works in their favor. It is the women who are the victims here, but also the perpetrators. We can never expect this to change if we don't actively change it ourselves, at least in how we think and treat this absurdity. Are we waiting around for men to so generously adjust the status quo (if so, it would likely be on their terms)? Do you really think that is ever gonna happen? Historically, globally, has a man ever been the one to fight for women's rights? I say this with the slight fear that it has happened, but even if it did I doubt it was done without an agenda! Yes, we have male supporters....and what?

What riles me up are the naive, brainwashed chicks who just ruin it for everybody. They claim they like things the way they are. They claim it makes their lives easier not having the responsibility to make their own decisions, not being expected to do anything of great importance. Even the meager tasks they are left with, they fail at miserably. You lazy, robotic, can't-think-for-yourself, waste-of-a-life fuckers. Go die. Please. And the men in their lives who planted that very idea in their heads should also go die a slow, painful death.

I know there are women who still think this way because they just don't know any better. This way of life is the only way they know. Even if you give them a choice, they would want to keep things as they are just out of shear fear of the unknown. I don't fault them for that, I sympathize. Just don't impose it on the rest of us. You don't have to change anything, just please allow us the chance to. You don't approve? Tough cookies.

I'm sorry, I can't be unbiased about this. I apologize for being a bit harsh, but this just pisses me off. So much so that I am unable to be reasonable about it. I'm sick of living in a patriarchal society which aims at putting women down, making them feel less capable, when I firmly believe women can do a far better job at running things if we had the chance. And we'd look fabulous doing it too. Those women who wish to avoid the responsibility of being in control of their own lives will soon feel how empowering it is to not have to depend on a man, and how much easier life would be then. Don't wait around for a man, get up and do it yourself! Viva la gynarchy!

Introspection/Outrospection

This talk/video has to be one of my favorite RSA Animates. If you take nothing from this but this talk, even if you don't read beyond this point, I would be happy so long as this video gets out there. The concept of empathy is such a powerful one, and this shows just how broadly the concept can be applied. And there was a point made that hit home for me:

There is no introspection without outrospection

It is no secret that I am a huge advocate of introspection/self-reflection, even self-love. Being honest with yourself about your thoughts and emotions is essential - if not necessary -  to know where you yourself stand in this world, not where you are told to stand or even where you are merely placed. But it is true that in this day and age that cannot happen without outrospection. If we are not open to the world we cannot truly understand who we are. We cannot delve deep into our souls in total isolation and expect to enrich our lives in the process. We need to look outside ourselves also to further enhance our lives; not to look in search for something to cling onto but to open ourselves up. We need to understand what goes on around us just as much as we need to understand what goes on within.

More and more I find that there is little value given to true human relationships; simply bonding with fellow humans on a pure, honest, genuine level. Even when we are close to experiencing it, we hesitate, we turn away, we build walls and fortresses out of fear that it is not the norm. But it is, at least it should be. People do focus (not so well) on familial relationships, professional relationships, romantic/marital relationships but we need more. A lot more. 

“The things we need most are the things we have become most afraid of, such as adventure, intimacy, and authentic communication. We avert our eyes and stick to comfortable topics. We hold it as a virtue to be private, to be discreet, so that no one sees our dirty laundry. We are uncomfortable with intimacy and connection, which are among the greatest of our unmet needs today. To be truly seen and heard, to be truly known, is a deep human need. Our hunger for it is so omnipresent, so much a part of our life experience, that we no more know what it is missing than a fish knows it is wet. We need more intimacy than nearly anyone considers normal. Always hungry for it, we seek solace and sustenance in the closest available substitutes: television, shopping, pornography, conspicuous consumption — anything to ease the hurt, to feel connected, or to project an image by which we might be seen or known, or at least see and know ourselves.”

Charles Eistenstein, 

Sacred Economics

People think of the word 'intimacy' and blush, referring to bedroom antics as intimacy. But it's so much more than that, and should go well beyond a single room with a single person. Creating a strong bond with a fellow human on any level is what makes life worth living. Even fleeting connections with mere strangers could be just as powerful. And I believe simply being able to have such strong, powerful, lasting connections with people is an accomplishment because it doesn't come easily. It actually takes work and requires a lot of trust and openness that not many people are ready to give. I feel people rarely invest in relationships that are not romantic, expecting all their human needs to be met by a single relationship with a single person. Even when they do, they feel the need to make it romantic thinking having a connection like that with someone could only be such. But I'm here to tell you it is not. Don't let such ideas cloud your judgement either. It's almost as if we have been conditioned to believe that having a closeness with someone is rare and eventually turns physical, leaving many to believe having close friends of the opposite sex is 'dangerous' for this very reason. I strongly beg to differ. We need to rid ourselves of such ridiculous and archaic preconceived notions. Clear our minds of such ideas, go forth with an open mind and an open heart, then we can truly understand our limitless capacity to love. That's when our empathetic nature truly thrives.

The thing is, even the relationships we do have, we do not give enough of ourselves. We don't put nearly enough effort into it, we expect it to just fall onto our laps. Every relationship requires a little work. As you give, so shall you receive. You cannot expect your friend to always be there for you when you are never there for them. You cannot expect your parents to love you unconditionally if you do not love, respect, and take care of them in return. You cannot expect your children to grow to take care of you in your old age if you did not love and nurture them as their parent. You cannot expect a spouse to cater to your every whim if you never consider theirs. (Read about how this man came to that conclusion after nuptials and kids. Better late than never!)

When two people meet and find that initial spark, they foolishly think that this chemistry continues to react forever. The way I see it, that reaction is a result of the state each person is in upon meeting, basically both being what the other had been wanting to find. Having found that person, the spark from the first chemical reaction is gone. The 'state' of each person has changed, creating a new compound altogether. Rather than trying to figure out what new chemical reaction might occur, how to deal with it, if it requires any catalysts for a better reaction, they just stubbornly want EXACTLY what they had before. If we want to approach it scientifically, it's impossible to relive that initial spark so long as they are now a 'compound' (and remain so). That infatuation is what attracted you in the first place, and that is the main role of infatuation. Infatuation could just describe what happens as a result of the pheromones released. If we were to continue with the chemistry analogy, infatuation would be that electromagnetic force that initially creates the chemical bond.

Armed with the misconception that the spark must last, some people may search to recreate it elsewhere. Chasing what is essentially a fleeting emotion rarely ever stops at one person as this cyclical search continues every time the spark begins to fade. We need to redefine what it is we are expecting to feel, be it 'love' or whatever you want to call it. We need to have a more realistic understanding of it, and consequently more realistic expectations. We need that radical social change to take shape on a large scale so that we can all live a little better, be a little happier. Everyone deserves to be happy, and it is within reach.....so long as we revolutionize how we choose to view and experience human relationships on any and every level. No biggie...

Finally, I would like to share with you something I personally feel is the most fascinating, bizarre and potentially revealing thing I ever came across in our dear World Wide Web. A 76-year-long study followed 268 Harvard graduates from 1937 in the longest-running longitudinal study to determine the factors which affect human (adult) development. Turns out, what matters most in life are warm human relationships. That also had a positive effect on almost every other aspect of one's life from health to professional success. George Vaillant, the study's most recent director, said one thing he learned from this study is:“That the only thing that really matters in life are your relationships to other people". Don't wait 76 years to come to that realization when you could have spent it being happy.

The Deification of Youth

People joke about it sometimes, but I'm starting to think the young really do feel their life ends at 30. Just.... ends. By the age of 30, they want to have studied, reached the pinnacle of their career (if you planned to work at all), married and with at least a few kids. So....what the hell did you leave to achieve for the rest of your life (I know there is more to life than that but you get my drift)? You want to spend the rest of the decades ahead as you are? You want to throw away your freedom which you only just got at 18 and only really knew what to do with in your mid-20s? And for what, decisions, dishes and diapers...?

Why is everyone in such a rush?! When I see the young throw away their youth, I regret it for them. They are likely to do the same a decade or two later (most of which is spent in utter denial). Yes, the young are inexperienced and stupid. All the more reason they shouldn't hurry to wear daddy's suit and mommy's apron (I'm sorry for the stereotypes, just go with it). Being young and stupid means they are not prepared to embark on all life has to offer before they hit 30. In very few exceptions some people are mature enough yet realistic enough to go through - at best - some of that but still manage to enjoy being young (that being academics, career, marriage and/or children). So I suppose to some extent it can be done, but there must be limits. Also this is the exception, not the rule.

We enter this world straight into a life of structure dictated more or less by our bowel movements. We are too preoccupied as we grow. We are exposed to more and more stimulants, our brain constantly engaged and engrossed as it absorbs and tries to comprehend all that goes on around us. So we continue living a structured life that has been set out for us as to not disturb our journey of discovery. Lunch times, nap times, bath times, bed times; we just play along because we are just too immersed. We continue to grow and the routine starts to get a little tedious, but we are too young and naive to know how to change that since we are so used to playing along. It continues until we hit 18. High school is over, our senses our enticed by the mere promise of what is to come. Assuming we continue on to higher education, our routine life is not so routine anymore. Our daily schedule is now a bit more arbitrary. Our bodies may suffer from the lack of structure but we masochistically like it that way after being tied down for so long. One irresponsible decision after the next, and we continue to make and re-make those bad decisions. If you're lucky, you won't have anyone breathing down your neck in an effort to keep you from such bad decisions. If you're unlucky, you won't have anyone to prevent you from the really, really bad decisions. But this is all a continuation of that journey of discovery at a different level, which requires a little deconstruction of the structured life that was built for us. Our 20s should not be spent living the same way our parents do. I find that worrying. Even if after college a little bit of routine sneaks back into your life, you don't want to find that it's a similar routine to your parents' generation.

Even in physics, the Second Law of Thermodynamics says (more or less) that the norm for a given system is for order to decrease. The general tendency of the universe is to go from order towards lack of order. Seeing that we are a part of the very physical world in which this law applies, then it is safe to say it applies to us as well. We go from structure to lack of structure. However the common misconception here is that order can only decrease, when actually the increase in disorder can result in producing order in another part of the system without violating the Second Law. Meaning when we 'de-structure' a part of our lives, we can do so in order to structure another part of our lives. I guess sometimes it's necessary to mess up one aspect of our lives in order to get another part sorted.

As a baby you are not taught to walk or told how to do it but you learn; you observe, you build your strength, you give it a couple of failed attempts until you take your first step all on your own. Then you repeat the process till you can manage to get to the second, third, tenth step and so one. To me, that's how it is for life in general. You can't be told how to live it, you learn as you go along. Making mistakes isn't a possibility, it's a certainty. But it's not as scary as we make it out to be. Life goes on regardless of whatever monumental fuck up you got yourself into. More often than not, you eventually can look back at it and actually laugh. We have one life to live, why deprive ourselves of the joy of actually living?! Why put ourselves on such high a pedestal, or allow ourselves to be placed there, and attempt to live a pristine life? Aside from the fact that it is far too mundane an existence, it is impossible.

I want to celebrate my youth, enjoy the mistakes, bathe in the stupidity, let it consume me.

Papa Don't Preach

The topic of this post has been itching to get out for some time, and it has been eating away at me inside all the while. It's a harsh reality that breaks my heart to just think about. It may not be the reality for everyone, but I'm sure at least some can relate.

"Unconditional love is loving your kids for who they are, not for what they do.... I don't mean that we like or accept inappropriate behavior, but with unconditional love we love the children even at those times when we dislike their behavior. Unconditional love isn't something you will achieve every minute of every day. But it is the thought we must hold in our hearts every day."

-Stephanie Martson

I know and fully understand that parents believe they know what is best for their children, and surely they mean well. But I would say their actions in some cases - or rather their misplaced values - would indicate otherwise even though I am sure it is not the case. The constant meddling in their children's lives seems to never end, regardless of gender, age, profession, or social status. I understand it is difficult to watch your child embark on what you firmly believe is a colossal mistake, but there must be a point where the authority takes on a more advisory role. You can't control everything forever. Making mistakes is part of growing up; it helps shape the person you become. It is necessary and inescapable part of life, even if the parents' worst case scenario actually does come true. Let's say a child has been signed up to be a part of a children's football league. As a parent, you could teach your child a hell of a lot more standing on the sidelines than you would playing the game for them. And this applies to all stages of life, on the field and off.

"The last step in parental love involves the release of the beloved; the willing cutting of the cord that would otherwise keep the child in a state of emotional dependence"

-Lewis Mumford

As we get older however, I feel some parents prove incapable of letting go. Then begins the emotional blackmail; obey us or you are on your own. The ultimatum that no child should ever be given. Even worse still, when they threaten your lifestyle, making it seem like the only reason why they believe you stick around is to continue living the comfortable life they have provided, and they whip out that long list of things they have done/sacrificed for you. It's such a shocking notion that it is rarely spoken of, but it breeds a powerful sense of disgust and resentment somehow that I don't think ever goes away.

Therefore the love of the parents - and with it the comforts afforded to you by them - are conditional on you acting as a vessel through which they themselves live based on how they believe it should be lived. If, by any degree, this vessel somehow veers off course, all hell breaks loose. It saddens me to see bright, young, capable people succumb to the life their parents impose on to them with complete disregard to what their children want or even need. It saddens me more to see such people ignorant of the blatant imposition on their lives; they are in a bubble of chronic sadness, the cause of which they will never truly discover.

It is in this idea of parents never letting go where I find a tragic injustice. And yes, it is to do with marriage -although it very well goes beyond that. When I see how some parents stand in the way of their children's marital bliss, over the most trivial of matters, my heart aches. Things like race, age, aesthetics, name, finances, and other material bits and bobs that never really determine one's happiness. When a father demands of his daughter's suitor a hefty dowry when he is in the beginning of his career, just because. When a mother refuses her son's choice because she doesn't have the right last name. When they father proclaims he has been shamed by the mere thought of his child marrying below their social class. What kind of message are you sending your children when you begin to judge people as such? What kind of values are you trying to uphold? How are these values enriching your lives and the lives of your children in any way?

They hear stories of people who have gone and disregarded such 'advice'. Oh, how cataclysmic it turned out to be, and the shame brought on those involved. Oh, the shame! But such stories exist regardless of who you marry, how, when, where. Shit happens. It happens whether you marry your choice or mother's choice or the neighbor's choice. So using such instances as reason enough to stand in your child's way for the sake of protecting them from a similar fate....is nonsense. Because shit happens regardless. Don't stand in the way of your children's happiness over ifs, buts and maybes. If you don't approve, by all means voice your concerns. Let your thoughts be known but leave the choice to them. Whatever that choice is, give them your blessing and pray to God you are wrong. And IF - God forbid - things go sour, be there for them. They made a mistake and they will learn from it. And hopefully be better parents because of it too. At least they won't resent you for preventing them from doing what they truly felt was right.

Even worse still is meddling post-marriage. Parents (read: mothers-in-law) I believe -deep down- mean well but are the source of so much trouble. They're like a hurricane that leaves a mess in its wake, only it doesn't realize it is a hurricane. If these kids ever have a chance in hell of happiness, constant interference from families in what is usually huge life decisions could rob them of the potential of marital bliss. They are inadvertently creating a rift between husband and wife with every time they stick their nose where it doesn't belong. Let your role be limited to giving advice, leaving the choice to the married couple and support them regardless. The irony is they do this when they themselves have likely been subjected to the exact same destructive interference and were miserable because of it. Yet they seem to be repeating the cycle.

What is more important: your child's happiness or the approval of those around you?

Life is too short and there is enough sadness in the world, we need to pursue happiness in whatever form we find it in. I beseech each and every one of you to really dig deep and try to realize what really matters in life, not what you are used to believing matters or what you are told matters. We all have the right to live our lives in pursuit of happiness.

Actions and RE-Actions

Meet Mike Falzone. An unexpected but endless source of wisdom. My favorite part is @1:25.

Actions really do speak louder than words. They are more potent. Doing the action without the commentary is even better. Let your actions speak for themselves because proclaiming what you do or why you do it does not really say much, especially before the deed is done (if in fact it is done). If anything, such self-made proclamations are usually false; it's usually what you think you do or what you'd like to see yourself as rather than what you actually do. If you want to be the person you claim to be, prove it. Show it in the way you carry yourself, in the way you treat others, in your attitude towards life. Don't just do so in front of those you wish to impress, turn around and put on a different mask. It's all about intentions - al-niyya - and believing that really having the right intention will ultimately guide your actions and guide it well. Even when it doesn't work out so well, as long as the true good intention is there it does actually count. At least it does in my eyes.

This is where introspection comes into play. This is why you need to spend time examining yourself; your intentions, your thoughts, your values and opinions. What is it that you see in yourself as good? How does that affect your conduct, if it affects it at all? What is it that you wish to see in yourself? How do you achieve that? How can you improve? What is it that you value most in life? Does it deserve such value? You start to ask yourself such questions, all the while examining your behavior as it is. Put them side to side, does it bode well for you? If you find yourself talking a lot of shit and never really backing it up it's okay, as long as you realize you're a bullshitter and attempt to sort that out. Now if you talk a lot of shit and don't think you do, you got problems. The problem isn't just that you lie to others but you lie to yourself in the process. What do you gain from peddling all that bullshit which more often than not is obvious to be so? You lose credibility as a person - as a fellow human - and people normally can sense the BS.

I can't stand people who just say crap which is usually wildly untrue just for the sake of pretending they know about said crap; the know-it-alls. Although this trait is not exclusive to a particular gender, men are far more likely to be in such situations. Men have a real problem admitting they don't know something. They only do when they know that 'knowing something' will lead them to doing something they just don't feel like doing, so in that case not knowing is more convenient. Otherwise, some people just can't accept the fact that there are some things they just don't know about, life has not led them down that path just yet. We are only human, it's okay to not know something. Even if yo do know quite a bit more than your average Joe, humility is a beautiful quality. However we are also in an age where information is so easily accessible, if you want to know about something, you very well can in minutes. Educate yourself and broaden your horizons! You don't have to wait for someone to push you to. There is a downfall to that though, because with all that information readily available, we have almost become dependent on it. We no longer attempt to withhold information because we can always go back and ask the same question again and again, no judgement from Google. But I digress.

Just as important as actions are one's reactions; how you react to certain situations or others' actions. Since you cannot control people's behavior, you can surely control your own to better react to the situation and sometimes even appease the person before you a little. But if - for example - someone explodes and you explode back, I assure you it will go nowhere.

I am a huge believer in taking the time to understand the person standing before you, regardless of who that person is. Everyone is going through stuff in their lives and it tends to spill all over the place. Even when it doesn't remotely concern you, you may end up being a target or a punching-bag of sorts. Try to envision what could cause them to spontaneously explode and make an effort to prevent the explosion or stop it in its tracks instead of adding fuel to the flame. The way you react could very well embarrass them as they realize how things have been blown hugely out of proportion, and that more often than not, it is over a trivial matter that could surely be resolved more peacefully. Empathy, my dear Watson, I assure you can go a long way.

If you can manage to adjust your conduct so that your initial response is not a vehement one, you will realize that life will run a bit more smoothly, for you and everyone else too. You could relieve yourself of that little bit of tension everyday until it all rolls away. Now I'm not saying we should all be passive in such situations, just gauge your reactions accordingly. I honestly feel we could attract more bees with honey than with vinegar. Even if you owe the person nothing, if they scowl.....then you smile. Kill 'em with kindness.

I came across this video which gives a small peak into various lives that are going in and out of a hospital, and ultimately in and out of our lives. As we pass by countless nameless people each day, we rarely think beyond our own life story. To us, they are mere extras. So try to envision those around you in a similar way; you rarely know of all the things anyone in your life is going through at any point in time, even those close to you. And I'm not saying we should always excuse people's behaviors, just seek to understand them better and understand what could be causing the behavior. Even so, lines can still be crossed just make sure they are reasonably placed lines.

I read something around the world wide web that really stuck with me:

Time decides who you meet in your life, your heart decides who you want in your life, but behavior decides who will stay in your life.